Releasing the Bad Memories

This experience the last 2 years has definitely culminate a lot of I would say not so fun memories or experiences. And the thing about these experiences, at the time when they were happening, I wasn’t experiencing them, I wasn’t feeling them, I couldn’t. I was in disconnection world, very sick, spinning out of control, but I did remember them and I knew eventually for me to heal, as I heal, they would all come up.

Well as I have been healing more and more and becoming more and more present as I would say, all these memories, feelings have been coming up. And it’s intense, it’s very intense, it’s part of why I went into protection mode and didn’t want to get worse, and reacted to anything extreme because of how much I had already dealt with that I would be working through, I didn’t want to feel or experience more.

I literally lost my whole touch of self one day and that included my life, my memories it felt like, my relation to the world, etc. So what’s had to happen, as I get rid of the toxins, etc that have effected me in that way, that’s one aspect of it, the other it my brain, body, etc has to regrow and that means bringing in all these memories of the past, not all bad, that I never felt to bring me back to who my new self really is.

I definitely was afraid and I know a lot of people are afraid who suffer the neurological affects of Lyme and other diseases, that they will never have their “brain” come back or their memories, etc. Well that’s absolutely not true. Our bodies our powerful and know how to regrow and regenerate and how to release things. It’s not easy to release things, I feel that quite often, all these challenging memories of the past that I couldn’t handle experiencing at the time or even just every experience, eventually it all comes to the surface to regenerate, release and regrow.

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About a month ago or so, I was at a Lyme meeting we have in Los Angeles and there were a few people who totally recovered from Lyme Disease, individuals with very severe cases. One of the individuals who was there speaking who totally recovered spoke about forgiveness and how no matter how mistreated she was by friends, family members, it was important to forgive them and let go and not hold to it. She is absolutely right in this.

In Buddhism, forgiveness is seen as a practice to prevent harmful thoughts from causing havoc on one’s mental well-being. They talk about it’s not about revenge, it’s about forgiving, it’s about understanding. They talk about if we haven’t forgiven, we continue to create an identity from our pain and hold on to it. Ultimately, it’s important to forgive to let go.

So, I was thinking about myself and the last two years and how important it is for me to forgive others and myself and how important it is to continue to work on that to let go, more and more, until I feel full forgiveness from everybody, my parents, my friends, myself, doctors, etc.

I have been living with my family in a tiny apartment for over a year, not feeling the greatest and everyday my parents say something, or do something, and no matter what, no matter how mad I get, it’s important for myself to act in a sense of kindness and forgiveness. Holding on to any anger towards them, doesn’t serve me whatsoever. It’s extra energy I don’t need.

This why people meditate, to let go of their shit and to unfold the layers of the past and remove them and forgive. It’s not an easy process to forgive and let go and it takes time, I am learning that every day. It’s like each day you shed a layer and grow and forgive and let go of a bit more.

Also when it comes to disease, trauma, any challenge, until you let go and forgive fully, you will never fully move through it or it will just come back.

There is a reason why there are such things as new days, it allows you to have a fresh start each day, to let go of the day before and be present and move on.

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A Protocol

With Lyme disease, ultimately it’s about finding the right protocol that works best for you and your symptoms, etc. About a year ago, I found a protocol that was actually sent to me, that seemed to be the perfect protocol, and every few months, etc I would come back to this protocol.

When I went to my new doctor back in February, I mentioned the protocol to him and he didn’t really say much. Since then, and the last year plus, sure I have slowly, very slowly in my mind progressed and I have treated with herbs and detoxed but I feel I have never really hit it hard.

So, I go back to this protocol, again, I continually go back to this protocol for the past year and I even thought about it again yesterday and realized how clear it was to me that this, or something very very close to this protocol, is the right one.

So what is this protocol, it’s the following:

Stephen Buhner, who is one of the leading experts when it comes to healing from Lyme Disease, usually uses herbs, which he is known for, for most of his protocols and what he is an expert on, actually used Antibiotics for this particular protocol.

Of the antibiotics that are used, one of them, I am starting on. Also if you look at this protocol, you see the amount of neurotoxin detox that is needed.

So why am I posting this, well for a couple reasons. One reason, the obvious reason, to help others who might have similar symptoms and not sure what protocol to try so they can suggest this to their doctor.

The other, for the clarity that I have found and to let go of the past. For a long time, intuitively I always thought I was not doing enough and even when I saw my current doctor for the first time and left the appointment I felt he was not doing enough with what he was starting me on treatment wise, especially since I mentioned this protocol. I always felt intuitively not enough was being done as I saw my days fly by and the way I felt go in this circular motion.

And sure, more could have possibly been done, and last night I felt a bit disheartened to be honest that it’s taken this long to finally get the clarity or the initiative, on my end as well, to take the appropriate action on what protocol I should be doing. You know because ultimately it is up to me to take charge of my life, even if I don’t have the clarity and strength to do so.

So essence, why am I also writing about this protocol, to not hold onto the past, to tell you to not hold on to the past and to just start taking initiative to take control of your life and get your life back or have your life going the way you want it to be going.

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Everything you do in life, every decision you make, ultimately comes down to intention, your intention when you made this decision and ultimately, how conscious you were in making this decision.

I went to a talk on Wednesday night which centers around the teachings of Dharma and Buddhism and they spoke about karma and how the idea of karma ultimately comes down to intention. So if your intention on the decisions you are making is not conscious and therefore you are making bad decisions, you are going to suffer the consequences and visa versa, if you are very conscious of all the decisions you make, and have a positive intention in every way, you are going to have good benefits. So ultimately, it comes down to the importance of being present and conscious in everything that you do, every movement, every decision, everything.

So I thought about this for myself, more specifically, for myself the last two years and how much my decision making, my consciousness or everything I do, seemed to suddenly go out the window. So I went into protection mode and did everything I could do to be aware and conscious of every single thing I did, no matter how out of control and unaware all the time I felt. I was forced to be very very conscious.

Then I thought about no matter how conscious I have tried to be, how present I have tried to be, how much I have tried to set a clear, positive intention in everything I did, chaos would ensue so often and then I would see what would happen.

I also looked at how important it is to be conscious of everything you do and when you go through something traumatic, it’s just exemplified, how important this is. How you use your time, how you do everything and anything, because for myself, time was a premium. I never had a moment of peace or knew when I was going to be able to do something.

At the talk I thought about this, and things have begin to click more and more with this, and I then look at the last two years, up until this point, and how much the chaos everyday would insue and how much I would be unconscious in everything I did, and though my internal intention, which of course hasn’t changed, has always been to get better, and feel great all the time and do everything I want to do with my life, the intention that was being created, or my consciousness when I did things was not present.

And this will not come in a day, or a week, this is something that you will need to continue to work on. That I will need to continue to work on. And I look at my intention in everything I do needing to relate to my wellness, and moving my life forward and does this help me heal, can I do more to help me heal, does this really help me or create chaos. It’s ultimately me continuing to work on being present and making conscious decisions.

We are not perfect, there is no such thing as perfection, but we can work on, I can always work on, being conscious and present in everything we do, and setting the right intention in everything we do.

This experience has made me, forced me to be extra conscious in everything I do, and ultimately setting the right intention in everything I do, everything.

Ultimately, with Lyme Disease, with anything you are healing from, or building, you need to really be conscious of everything you do, say, etc because every little thing helps you move forward.

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A Formulation

By nature I am a very analytical, detail oriented, who feels everything in essence has an answer to it, or in essence a formulation. Yes there is some truth about things being unexplained and trusting the universe and letting go, etc, but there is also a rhythm to everything and in essence a formulation to everything. So I was thinking about this even more when it comes to Lyme Disease, because in essence that’s what the last 2 years in some ways have been about, me along with doctors, etc, finding the correct formulation to Lyme Disease to get to a point to being symptom free. I believe that there is this formulation in everybody.

So what is this formulation, how do you figure out this formulation? Well let’s first look at it this way. I feel there are three things that you are working on while treating Lyme Disease and it’s partners in crime, it’s co-infections. Those three things are as follows:

First killing the bacteria and the toxins in your body:

This is probably the most important thing, you need to kill the bacteria, the toxins, so you can get better. If you did not have these toxins in your body, you in essence would be fine, no matter how strong or weak your immune system was or how well you detox.

So the first step to the formulation is to figure out the bacteria load, what bacteria is in your body and finding the right protocol that works to kill the bug, at the same rate that you are doing the following:


If you are not detoxing or flushing out the bug at the same rate you are killing the bug, you are only going to get sicker and sicker and can never really catch up to yourself. So the next part of the formulation is figuring out how to detox at the same rate that you are killing the bug, which leads to the following:

Rebuilding your body:

At the same time, you need to be rebuilding your body, because you are constantly breaking it down and if your body can’t keep it up with the killing and the detoxing, you will never get anywhere. S you need to continue to build your immune system and any areas of weakness, and if some areas are weaker then others then you need to build those even stronger.

Some people need to heavily detox before they can kill anything because their toxin load is to high, meaning they need more of that part of the formulation then the killing part.

Now so those are the three aspects that need to be addressed when attacking the Lyme bacteria and it’s co-infections. Now I guess the next question is, how do you figure out how much bacteria you need to kill, how much you need to detox, how much you need to rebuild. Well, that’s the formula and each formula is different for everybody.

So in conclusion, your doctor, or whomever maybe treating you for Lyme Disease, must understand these three things and know how to move you forward in your wellness as quickly as possible without continually feeling worse. If they aren’t I don’t think they are the right person for you and understand your formulation.

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On Monday, I had an appointment with my doctor. It had been I believe 2/2.5 months or so since I saw him and this I knew would be a big appointment on many levels as it was the appointment that we would start really getting aggressive.

So I drove up the four hours and had a great appointment and me and him think within a year, give or take I will be back to 100%. I firmly believe this. He likes the progress, though it’s slow, it’s more then a lot of patients.

So I am about to start Antibiotic therapy, which I did about a year and half ago when I first got sick and did not work out well, but it was different then and done under the care of a doctor who had no clue what they were doing. This doctor very much does.

He also believes you cannot really fully heal from Lyme, etc without antibiotics. I intuitively feel there is a truth to that and I also feel for myself no matter how much I do not want to take antibiotics I know it’s the key to becoming symptom free.

So, I am preparing my body by detoxing more, with Glutathione and Liposomal Vitamin C and then gonna start taking Azithromyacin or Zithromax, with the other herbs, supplements, as he wants to build, not get rid of and do as much detoxing as possible and rebuilding of my body.

I am actually going to be putting a calendar together plan of just everything I need to do to get back to balance, a structure like an athlete would do when they train.

So after the appointment, this is what I learned, which some people might already know and some might not:

It’s important to chew Chlorella tablets after you swish with Coconut Oil to help pull the toxins out. You then spit the tablets out of course, don’t swallow.

If you are taking Methyl Guard Plus B Complex to help with Methylation and detoxing, you can help more by skipping a day here and there each week. This will allow your body to detox and methylate better and more efficiently.

As mentioned, my doctor is under the belief you can not fully recover without antibiotic therapy. This includes things like using IV Hydrogen Peroxide, Rife, etc. The doctor of course is not going to say that anything is impossible but he feels pretty strongly about this. This is of course mostly speaking with those who have had the bacteria in their body for longer then 6 months to a year.

I mentioned doing a parasite protocol, i.e. that Klinghardt does, because it might help heal things faster, I have mentioned this a number of times. He highly disagrees as he thinks that’s skipping steps and usually if you resolve the main problem, the bacteria, all these other problems kind of get worked out.

He said the only time there is a big red flag with parasites is if your Liver levels jump up extremely when you start taking antibiotics.

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No matter how much help you get from doctors, outside sources, at the end of the day you will realize this is your journey to find the answers, find your clarity and find your path. I have spent the last two years always searching for these quick answers for how I feel and the reality is, it doesn’t that work that way. The people that come into my life are guides and tools to help me move through this, but they are not the answers. There is a sense of dependence that’s created with this, for myself, for others, and by not feeling this way, you become independent and essentially become less attached and set free.

Another thing, I look at how much chaos the Lyme bacteria creates not only in my body but then spread out through me when I go through my daily routine. The doctor said this is the same with everybody. The bacteria creates chaos because it’s unwanted in the body. It’s unfortunately its’ job and I think I forget this. My life was never this chaotic before. Sure things happen, but it was never this constant extreme of chaos and I forget sometimes that though there is a projection of energy you are displacing or projecting, in essence it’s the bugs.

So overall, it was a great appointment.

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Cultivating My Fire

I, by nature, am a very passionate, high energy, ambitious, firey person. I was able though to always to an extent control this fire for my benefit. Then I shifted and that fire all seemed to go internal and my control over the fire, seemed to disappear.

When you start not feeling well, etc, you still have the essence of who you are it’s just a lot of things get juggled or displaced to shift, and for myself, my fire just created chaos inside myself and anytime I would try to put on to the world, my passion, my fire, my life force, it would seem to create chaos.

So the last 2 years, a big part of the lesson or what I have been working on, is learning how to cultivate my fire again.

When a fire is controlled, it’s nice, it’s beautiful, it’s not erratic, it’s not harmful. When a fire is out of control, it’s untamable, it’s erratic, it’s all over the place, it’s damaging.

For myself, this is what happened, my fire didn’t go anywhere, it just never was let loose in a controlled way because of how I would feel everyday. It would just create chaos inside me, that was uncomfortable and unnerving. I mean my fire had to go some place.

So, in essence, it’s about me learning how to cultivate my fire again, learn how to control it for my benefit, for my balance, for my health. Learn how to harness my fire for healing and moving my life forward.

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