Getting Over the Fear and Trusting

I think one of the hardest parts for myself has been just getting over the fear, the darkness of this experience. Especially seeing and knowing I am not 100%. It’s like I haven’t moved forward. I mean my therapist asked me today looking at where I was a year ago and I am definitely much further ahead but I think because at times I feel the same for feel stuck or feel I have so far to go, I think I think I am not really moving forward. Hence at times the fear comes in.

Some of this fear is not my own fear, it’s the fear of bacteria, toxins, etc coming into my body, some of the fear is the physical feelings, etc I feel at times and some of the fear is from the experience of this last year and everything I have been through and this feeling that am I really getting better and the longer I don’t feel “100%” or constantly awesome and symptom free all the time I think I wonder the toll it takes on my body and if I will fully heal and the longer wait.

I don’t necessarily see this as unrealistic or true because many individuals who were effected much longer then I have been and those with situations much worse have healed completely but I think I definitely go to this place and I think part of it is a fact of trusting and letting go.

I mean life isn’t perfect and I think I have forgotten about that from time to time. When you go through a day, so used to feeling like you are walking on eggshells and slowly creeping through it, I think you forget that everybody deals with stress, etc on a daily basis. It’s about how you react to it and how you accept it.

At the end of the day, it’s just important for me to keep trusting, keep knowing I will fully heal, I will move on from this, I will live a long happy healthy life and do everything I want to do with it. I won’t feel stuck forever, I won’t feel “lost in the fog”. I will one day really move on and let go and never look back.

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Your Body Knows Best

At the end of the day, no matter what, your body, your mind, your soul knows what’s best for you, it’s just most of the time we ignore it.

Our bodies know what we need and when we need it. Our bodies know how to heal themselves with we allow it and our bodies know when we are ready to do things, we just have to know how to use them as our guides.

This is all true for myself. Through this year and half, I have had to let my body be my guide as I moved through things unclear, unaware, in this fog, etc. Knowing that my body knows what it needs each day, even when I think it might not or when I feel trapped or lost, in reality it knows what it needs and it knows what it needs to do to get back to balance, get back to feeling awesome again.

Even as I move through this and go through the trials and tribulations of feeling whole again. I know my body knows when it’s ready to do things, ready to feel part of world, ready to fully move on and know when I am fully back to balance. I will know. I will definitely know. Your body, my body remembers and will remember and knows what it needs.

At the end of the day, our bodies know what’s best.

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Learning to Trust the Universe Again

I think when somebody goes through a tough time, especially when their life kind of just drastically changes one day, their trust and faith kind of gets shattered.

For myself, it’s twofold. There is an element to what I just said but also, more so, it’s the way I feel in the world, this constant unfamiliar thing that I felt for so long and my senses feeling off a lot of the time and therefore not trusting not only myself but other people.

This fear comes from a place of me not wanting to get worse and only get better and stems from the feeling of unawareness and chaos I felt for so long and part of the healing, part of the layers is me learning to true the universe again and myself because of how I felt pretty much all the time.

I mean I became so used to not trusting and have learned to trust again. Learn to trust as I still a lot of times go through this unawareness, this feeling I am dragging my body around, this feeling of not fully feeling balance.

It’s important to let go and trust the universe, even though it’s not always easy.

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Don’t let Others Tell You No

Never let anybody tell you you cannot do something no matter what it is. I see this happening way to often to myself and others and the interesting thing is it usually comes from friends or family, not random strangers. You would think that friends and family are the ones supporting you and wanting you to be successful and do anything you want to do.

If somebody tells you no, use that fire to fuel you. Use that no to help you achieve what you want to achieve. Never let anybody tell you no. Never let anybody tell you can’t do something because you can do anything.

If somebody tells you you can’t do something, their own insecurities are coming out.

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Keeping me in Check that I need to Keep Moving Forward

One of my first major shifts, I would say it took about 2 years for me to get by one major hurdle and then another 2 years to really get “the monkey off my back” and move forward and move on and kick all the unwanted bugs out.

During this time, I had no idea what was going on, I was really oblivious to it. All I knew, was it went kind of through this cycle everyday, it always seem to revolve around food and going to the bathroom and it always seemed to be there. I never “treated” it with anything, I just ate right and kind of kept going to doctors, specialists, etc searching for the answers and eventually just stopped because I think I reached a point with it, got over a hurdle with everything.

I kept myself kind of oblivious to the world for about 2 years and then slowly lived my life, moved out of my parents house, even though it was still there, but it was slowly fading away and then eventually slowly but surely it was gone and I was totally shifted, moved on, lived my life, moved to L.A. and was totally fine never really knowing what it ever was.

I remember also for a period of time the new friends or connections I would meet I would tell them the story and eventually I stopped and really just let go of it.

Then fast forward, about a little over a year and half ago, the same thing happened, the same sudden shift, and this time it was more intense and I was definitely more aware of it and this time I got answers and I think I thought those answers would solve everything right away, well that wasn’t the case.

So the journey began, the cycle began and every time I think I beat it and really moving forward I then felt I was back at day one and thinks would kind of come full circle and keep me check. With each cycle, things seemed to get a little bit better, a little bit easier, I moved a little bit more forward, but knowing it was still there, when the cycle seemed to end, always was disconcerting to me. And for so long, I was in such chaos, always searching for answers, searching for a place to escape, a way to escape and then finally I started slowly coming out of that place, that cycle.

And with that, another cycle ends and I know I am still not there yet, but I continue to be positive, knowing I am moving forward, I am moving through this and one day all the bugs will leave, the cycle will end and I will have finally moved on from this and moved forward and started new, started fresh.

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Getting the Monkey Off My Back

This is a common phrase that a lot of sports players use when they get that first win, first hit, hit a milestone, etc. For myself, through this shift, it’s every day, every moment it seems, that I am working on getting that monkey off my back.

It’s like I feel the last yeah and half I try to shoo the monkey away and every time I do, it always seems to come back and it always seems to be there. With each day, the monkey becomes a little bit further off my back, It’s like I shoo it a little more, push it a little more away, until one day, the monkey will be gone and I will be set free, to rebuild, start over and break through.

You can get the monkey off your back, I can and anybody can, you just have to believe and trust.

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Just Have to Keep Riding the Wave

That’s what this year and half has been totally about. Me just riding the wave, riding the wave to full balance, and wellness. Trusting the universe and trusting the process. I mean that’s all I had as I felt constantly every moment of every day that I was dragging my body around with trust and faith that one day everything will click again and that I won’t get worse, and I will come out of this ahead and healed and stronger and better then ever.

So I just continue to ride the wave, ride that wave to balance and trust the process, no matter how I feel or what happens or how much I get done each day. Listen to my body, go with the flow and ride the wave.

Eventually things will balance out and your body knows and your mind knows intuitively deep down inside what to do to get better and what not to do to feel worse but yet I think we don’t always trust that or lose faith in it when we go through such a struggle.

Each day, even when I don’t do much, even when I feel stuck or I inch forward a bit, I just have to keep trusting and just riding the wave and knowing one day I will break free of all this and feel a fresh start, a new start and fully alive again.

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