Fear

Fear, fear is an ugly thing and I feel it affects every single human being and some point in their lives. Sometimes it affects them on a daily basis. For others, it affects them from time to time. For myself, it has seemed to haunt me on a almost daily basis for the past year and half.

I was never somebody who feared much. I would sometimes be cautious of things, but I did not live my life in fear. Life, the world was always my playground and it was big and beautiful.

When I began to shift, a massive amount of fear struck over me. Part of this, was the “disease”, or the “condition itself, a big part of it was just not understanding it and another part is how I felt and I felt in terms of the world and in my body.

This fear haunted my existence. This fear prevented me from doing much of anything because of the way I felt. I always looked at it as a way of my body protecting itself.

This fear haunted everything I did, everything I would do. Because of the way I felt and this fear that was created from it, I didn’t do so many things, and some of these things included things that I could do to take care of myself and also things I could do to move my life forward because I felt so weird, so strange all the time.

When you don’t feel part of the world and in this fog state, it will make you fearful of doing so many things. It will make you afraid of doing so many things because in your unawareness, you don’t want to get worse, especially because you feel you are just dragging your body around in this fog. And you become used to this, so much so, that times you think you have escaped it or the reality is you do feel a bit better, you still feel it and bring that fear in. You still feel the symptoms and not aware in the world and that fear brings you everywhere.

So even when I have been feeling better, I still feel not quite 100% and feel this aspect, this fear and it still comes with me and it still so often makes it difficult for me to do things or go out because of the way I feel, not just physically or mentally but this fear.

I mean this fear has made me want to hide into a bubble until it’s over and not wanted me to deal with life and deal with anything and everything. I couldn’t deal with anything, I was so used to not dealing with anything because I felt I was already dealing with so much inside myself. Walking around in fear every moment of everyday in this fog. Planning my day ahead because I wanted to make sure I didn’t get worse or forget to do something and then get so spacey because I didn’t eat, etc.

This fear, that would be created and make me fearful of living my life, making movies, moving on, going forward, because I didn’t want to do to much and get worse. This fear of doing anything throughout the day that was away from understanding my experience and getting better and health related. This fear that invaded my being and every second of it.

The fact that I am so used to this, even when I go out still, I still feel it and I still feel the fear, the sensitivity, the PTSD. I have had to work on conquering that fear, because I know it’s one step closer to wellness. As somebody once said, with fear becomes freedom.

Fear is a nasty thing but it’s not real, it’s really an illusion, it’s in essence eliminating that and learning to take care of yourself and listen to yourself and then that fear will be eliminated with that will come strength and clarity.

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Staying True to Yourself

When I started this blog, I started it subconsciously and intuitively with the intention that it would help me with my healing, help me find clarity, help me grow as human being and help me find myself again. In essence, I started this blog for myself, to find a way to stay true to myself. Secondary, I started to help inspire others, knowing one day I would move past this and move on and people would see the transition, the growth and be able to be inspired from it and it would be able to touch them in one way or another and help them through their difficulties and struggles.

Literally, when this ordeal or this transition started, I lost my self, or my old self and I was in the process of forming my new self, and letting go of my old self. All of this working on always staying true to myself.

I spent years doing things for others, going out of my way to do things, doing stuff that wasn’t me taking care of myself. This was my time, I knew to be good to myself, and stay true to myself and learn how to fully take care of myself and love myself.

I mean this is a challenge, I think to some extent it’s a challenge for everybody. We have so many factors in the world that affect us from staying true to ourselves and taking care of ourself and things grow more intensely when you are already dealing with a lot of your own internal challenges. I know though that’s a big part of the lesson.

My thoughts on emotions:

Emotions are good but they are difficult at times and can be intense and uncomfortable and yes it’s about learning to control them and not let the world and everything in it affect you when usually most things have nothing to do with you. I think it’s challenge for everybody. There of course are those who are numb and can not be affected by anything but they probably don’t really experience the world and then there are those that do feel and it can be so intense that’s it not comfortable, this is how I have felt so often. I have really learned to go within and tried to work on myself, as I mentioned and learn that all these things that happen around me, are not really about me, and I have learned to try my best to trust the universe.

Overall, this whole experience has been very challenging, challenging in so many ways and it seems that when I do have a good day, something seems to affect it later at some point or when I actually have a moment that I have felt myself again it seems to have gone away. All in all it’s me working on myself and working on staying true to myself, trusting the universe and taking care of myself and learning more about myself.

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Finding Peace in the Chaos

I am very grateful for my parents and if it wasn’t for them helping me this past year and half, I don’t know what I would do but at the same time they really don’t get it and they drive me nuts. I have been living with them now for a little over a year, give or take and though I have come far and though of course I would like to move out I know I am still definitely not ready for that for many reasons.

Every day or every morning, my mom says something, interrupts me, even if I am in the middle of something, in doesn’t matter, I honestly just don’t have much privacy where I live and everything I do seems to be watched over in a sense and all of this is even more intensified from the way I have been feeling for the past year and half.

So often I would get mad and still a lot I do and react, part of this a bit part of this is because of the physical and mental transformation that has shifted me because I never was moody or ever reacted the way I have and a big part of it as well is a lesson, a lesson for me to learn peace in the midst of chaos.

This is not an easy thing, for people who feel great all the time, it’s not easy, let alone when your body is so jumpy and sensitive so much and has that vibrating feeling, it makes you very uneasy, very uncomfortable and very reactionary.

I have just had to find peace and learn how to not react, no matter how I feel, which is extremely challenging in the chaos. I am where I am, and I am grateful where I am and though, as mentioned, I would love to move out of my parents house tomorrow, the reality is I am not there yet and I need to find peace in the chaos. Peace within myself, peace in my situation, peace in flowing through the day and trusting. Thinking before speaking. Peace in the midst of chaos.

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Clarity and Understanding

Here is it, a bit over a year and half later, and though I talk about how far I have come, I mean I have definitely come very far considering the bad place I was in, I am still not 100% and where I should be and in many ways I feel sometimes I am going in the same circle over again it’s just now I have much more clarity and understanding, which of course I know helps in healing.

So what is this clarity, what is this understanding. It’s becoming more and more aware of everything and not running away. It’s becoming me trusting the universe more and trusting the process. It’s me understanding the cycle, what happens all the time so I understand this clarity so I can then move forward and beat this. It’s becoming present and aware so I know what to do to move my life forward and fully beat this. It’s my body and mind catching up to itself. It’s finding the strength to feel great all the time and create the life and the path I want. It’s understanding, it’s clarity.

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Shaping Who I am

It’s interesting, something I think about all the time, is this idea that all these people I met, even myself and the people I knew before, have not really met me yet, or who I am forming too and this feeling that everything I have done this past year and half and still at times, though it inches closer to not being this way, I didn’t experience, especially during the dark dark parts and really bad times.

I mean I went to Los Angeles today. I lived in Los Angeles for over 5 years and right now I live about 35 miles east of Los Angeles, give or take. I go to L.A. at least once a week, usually every Thursday. For the past almost year, as I have gone there, it’s been a bleep, like I never experienced being in L.A. when I would travel there and this dream feeling like I was still dragging my body around. It’s very disconcerting.

Also the people I would meet up with and the chiropractor I see, etc all our conversations, our experiences, it was as if I never experienced them and then as I am slowly coming into my own again, it’s like all this stuff comes back to me and hits me a bit, oh yeah I did that. It’s overwhelming, nice in one way and very traumatic in another.

So I think about this idea that I am still shaping who I am becoming and who I am. This idea that these people I meet, the way I talk to them, how I am around them, has not seen the full vibrant me, flowing through the world, the healthy, happy, clear headed, energetic abundant me, that I am becoming. I am still shaping who I am, watch out world :).

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Striving to Move My Life Forward

For the past year and half plus, I have done everything and anything I can to move my life forward and get back to balance. Most of the time, it’s been very difficult for me to do this and for a long time I learned to let go of it and just ride the wave to getting better and focusing on my health. But the moments I have had, where I felt I was turning a corner or not in crazy survival mode and a moment where I actually can think straight for a minute and maybe do more, I have tried to move my life forward because in retrospect I always have felt it would help me move through this heal, and it was supposed to be happening.

And it’s challenging, I am still struggling, to be honest with you, with myself, with what I am going through a year and half later and still really, my health and getting back to feeling great all the time and clear headed and focused, vibrant and energized and symptom free is my number one priority.

Everyday I want to move my life forward but still when I do stuff, or be social or anything, I question about doing to much when I still feel this way and I am just making myself worse and should I just crawl in a cave and work on feeling great all the time first. It’s this back and forth circle game that I feel I have been in.

Trust me, I don’t like totally being supported by my family still after a year and half but the realization is yes that’s where I am still at.

And what happens is, I am in the house all the day a lot, and I am not as tired as I was and I want to go out and then I will feel a certain way after doing that and feel, what am I doing, I could have just stayed home. It’s this tricky balance.

So, I know we don’t know the answers and I know I am still working on this and struggling with where I am at and when I feel still not the greatest at moments or times, I don’t want to do anything else and I go into mode that I need to just be working on my health and getting that regiment right and nothing else since I still feel I have not made leaps and bounds, like I should.

I am slowly getting involved in this raw chocolate company and this is where a lot of fear comes in. Not just how I feel still and knowing that I am still dealing with my health stuff but also it makes me anxious from past experiences. For years, I would get involved in films, entrepreneurial projects, etc and spend countless hours of my time with them not going anywhere because of team mates who did not want to move it forward. The one thing about me, if I do something, I really do it and want the greatest of it and want to move it forward and not lollygag around, which also makes it hard knowing how I feel.

So it’s still a challenge, how I feel is still a challenge and wanting to move my life forward and striving to always move my life forward is a challenge. You know people would ask me what I would do with my day, it’s pretty shitty question in retrospect but the reality is it’s still challenging for me to do everything I want to with each day knowing and feeling the way I feel.

The one thing I have to remember is to not be hard myself about it because that doesn’t solve anything and I need to just work on still trusting the universe.

I think it’s tough because I still see the bugs dictating my day but one day I will always dictate my day.

And each day I try to make it a fresh start and start new and this day I will do this and that and move forward and do the things I need to do and then it just a lot of times feels the day flies by.

It’s the fear, the challenge of always want to strive forward but knowing I still feel this way and not wanting to do things that make me feel worse and feeling that my energy should be focused on my health.

It’s interesting, I am always working on articulating my thoughts on these blogs posts or when I explain my situation or myself and I always feel I don’t fully express things the way I want to but I guess it comes out the way it does and it’s all moving ahead and moving forward.

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Beyond Brain Fog

So what is brain fog? Brain fog is when your mind feels fuzzy, unclear, can’t think straight, foggy. Brain fog can be caused by so many things such as, heavy metal toxicity, candida, clogged emotions, bacteria in your body, mold, parasites, and other environmental toxins.

There are different levels of brain fog, most people will experience a bit of clogginess and brain fog here and there and then others will experience it almost on a daily basis. For myself, the fog for the most part of the last year and half has been extreme and what felt like 24 hours a day.

For myself, my brain fog, which I think can be called other things, disorientation, disconnection, has been what I call, beyond brain fog.

I mean I felt for so long and still a good majority of the time, like I am in this horrible dream, like I am on auto-pilot and the whole world seems unfamiliar to me. I mean when I was in Seattle, I felt like I had never lived there. Wondering around for four months in my uncomfortable, disoriented state.

This created so much fear, the way I felt, that it made me never want to do anything. It was this mix with other symptoms. I would say though that this is probably the worst of all of them in many ways, because it feels like it’s been constant.

One day this will slowly fade away, this fog and my mind, myself will be fully back and I will be symptom free and clear headed all the time but it’s still very scary feeling this way a lot, especially when I always strive to move my life forward.

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