I don’t always write two blog posts in a day but sometimes I am compelled to do so and today is one of those days.

This past weekend, which is now over, was fairly typical of the weekends I usually have, but it was kind of untypical in a sense and in some ways it was rough and very very vulnerable.

Why was it rough? Why did I feel more vulnerable then I normally do, I always feel very vulnerable in general.

Well, it’s because I am becoming more and more aware of what I am going through and more and more aware that I still don’t feel the way I know I am supposed to feel and just feel off and still have that feeling of partially not wanting to deal with the world or do things because I feel so overwhelmed and vulnerable but also that dream, disconnected feeling that I felt at first over a year and half ago, is still very present. And when I still feel it and when I become very aware of it, like I did this weekend, because my other symptoms that I feel a lot or some of my chaos, for extreme fogginess goes away and this becomes clear, it’s a very unsettling feeling and makes me want to go back and hide a lot of the time and be conservative and not do much, like I did for so long.

And feeling like I did this weekend was challenging because in many ways I did feel better, wanted to maybe explore life a bit more then I ever do or have for a long time but it’s not settling feeling energized and clear enough to do that but still feeling so off and disconnected and unaware, which then makes me very vulnerable and triggers so much of the past for me.

It almost feels like a trick in a sense, when you are out of this survival mode for a day and you feel this way but still knowing you don’t feel like you should feel and also knowing that “bugs” or whatever you want to call them are still overtaken yourself and your body and not allowing you to be who you truly are. A friend of mine reminded me of this that these feeling that I have, the way I feel mentally, the way I feel physically is not normal and not the way I am supposed to feel all the time. Reminding me that just to keep going knowing eventually the bugs just will be gone and it’s not about thinking this is normal and adapting to it, it’s knowing that this isn’t normal and this isn’t my life, so that all leads to this idea of preparation.

So what does this all have to do with preparation. Well, I look at marathon runners or athletes. They train hard and are very regimented in their routine and do nothing to stray away from that until they are fully prepared and then ready to run their face or play their game or match.

Dealing with something Lyme Disease, essentially you need to be the same way or dealing with anything traumatic you are working on moving through. I think what happens is, including for myself, you have moments when you feel a bit better, maybe close to 100% and you start thinking you are ready to move on from this and do more and live your life and maybe strive away from your normal routine, push the boundary. You become anxious and want to hard to move past this and move on but the reality is you are not looking at yourself. Looking at truly where you are still at.

So this process is really about preparation and staying regimented to that preparation like a marathon runner. And I know it’s challenging for myself included, to stay this way not just because of the way we feel mentally at times or having the energy to do this but also this push to not want to deal with this and just move past it and move on but it’s important. It’s important to do this so you can move past it. So I can move past this.

It’s preparing yourself for the world again and taking the steps necessary to know you are ready. Like in a rehearsal if you don’t your lines, how you can you perform a show. It’s why smart Lyme Literate doctors will keep individuals on medications for 3 months after they are symptom free.

For the past year and half plus or so, I think for so long I did things because I always felt I was ready to and tried to live my life, etc and their was not harm in it, it was part of the process but the reality is I wasn’t ready yet and just needed to continue to be patient and be prepared, no matter how anxious I get or ready to move on, etc. I know it’s easier said then done, but it’s true.

You know it’s been almost 2 years and I am more then ready then anybody to move past this and feel awesome from the moment I wake up to the moment I go to bed, everyday, living the life I want to live.

So it’s about taking charge, knowing to let go of control to the universe, and preparing and preparing and healing and getting myself ready for the outside world and then doing all these things, and not pushing a step or setting things back.

And it’s checking in with myself, really checking with myself all the time before doing things and listening my body, my mind and my soul and bringing the right things into my life to feel that feeling all the time, that connection all the time, that balance.

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The most challenging part

I am not going to say what I have been through this past year and half plus or so has been easy. I am not saying it hasn’t been challenging. I am not going to say I haven’t grown from it and I am not going to say I am where I want to be yet but I know this, I am getting there.

I also will say that the most challenging part of the experience is me slowly adapting back into the world, back into myself and feeling alive again. And when I say it’s challenging, I don’t see it as a horrible challenge or a traumatic challenge it’s just everything in a sense that you didn’t experience for so long, you start experiencing again and it’s strange and odd and you are not used to it.

I have a friend who had a brain tumor and it took her about 2 years to recover and she said the hardest part was her starting her life again, adapting again and getting going. I can see why she said that and I can relate to this.

What is the most challenging part, letting go, fully moving and knowing this will never happen again and that everything is behind you.

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Help is not something that is always easy for individuals to ask for, but asking for help shows strength in themselves and knowing they can’t do everything on their own. People are afraid a lot of the time to ask for help because of how people react to that or past experiences when they have and they don’t, even though they very much need help or a helping hand.

I was not somebody who very often asked for help. I did at times when it was something work related, but most of the time I was independent. I did not ask people to do me favors and the rare times I did ask for help from my friends, in a non-work situation, they just didn’t want to be bothered, so I really didn’t ask for help.

When I started not feeling well, all I really needed was some help, a helping hand, from the very beginning when I was not feeling well and went to urgent care. Nobody came, so I realized there that people wouldn’t help me. They weren’t going to help me move, though it was a struggle moving all my stuff when you aren’t feeling well, help me with errands, etc. I just did everything I could and left Los Angeles.

As I began to feel worse and worse, I remember a friend of mine’s father, who is a good friend asking me well can’t somebody help you make phone calls or make an appointment when you so struggle with that and I answered him, no. Really nobody would and I couldn’t bother to ask.

As time went on, I did begin to ask for help from more friends, but they just seemed to not want to be bothered or not even want to be my friend anymore if I opened up to them to much, or was to vulnerable or needed some HELP.

There were moments that individuals suddenly came into my life for a period and they did help me with things and I am so grateful for that, but the reality, what I have to come realize unfortunately, is that at the end of the day, no matter how you feel or how much you struggle, the person you can depend on most is yourself.

Individuals who have Lyme Disease and other illnesses, struggle and become dependent on families or others because they have to but get so guilt tripped for doing so when the reality is they can’t control how to feel and they just need some help.

Will Smith has a great quote: “If you are absent during my struggle, don’t expect to be present during my success.”

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An E-Book

I would say for the past year and half plus or so I have not done much in the sense of “career” or “work” or whatever you want to call making a living or building a career, etc. I mean I didn’t even have the energy and clarity to apply to a job a day, let alone do all these things I want to do.

So in essence, as I have been feeling better and have become more clear, the clarity has brought me the understanding that I should and am starting to write an E-Book about my experience over the past year and half or so and will include inspiration on how to get through challenging times and education on health and wellness and Lyme Disease. All of this will be intertwined with my story, my experience.

I tried to start this awhile ago and I just figure I wasn’t ready and now, finally the clarity has come to me, that this is the first step towards moving my life forward. I thought maybe it was finishing my T.V. pilot but this is what makes sense, this has what has become clear.

So, I will keep everybody posted on the progress and when it is all finished.

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Ali’s Greatest Fight

There is a film that was made on Muhammed Ali’s battle with the United States with avoiding being drafted for the Vietnam War. The film is called, “Ali’s Greatest Fight.”

In the film, the case went all the way to the United States Supreme Court and eventually Ali won the battle with the United States allowing him because of religious circumstances, not to go to war. If he would have gone to war, who knows what would have happen with his career, there was a possibility of jail time, etc. He stuck for himself, a very known celebrity, who was African American, because going to war challenged everything he believed in and he put everything at stake. After Ali accomplished this and succeeded, he knew he could do anything.

I look at my experience the same way. Jason’s greatest fight. The last year and half or so has been the most challenging time I have ever experienced in my life on so many levels. Not just with the way I have felt physically and/or emotionally, but also just everything surrounding me in the world, friendships leaving, drama created, chaos, etc. and how everything I seemed to have to do was an uphill battle of sorts.

I knew though, as with Ali, once I beat this, as I beat this, I knew I would be able to achieve anything and do anything and all these things that seemed like a big deal or difficult or challenging would just become easy and everything would flow.

This experience, any great experience is a challenge because you feel not just stuck in it, when you are going through it but the long term effects that it might have on you and will you ever heal from that and to answer that, I look at The Holocaust. The Holocaust was one of the most traumatic events in the history of our time. Millions and millions of people were captured and killed for no other reason but being different. There was a man named Simon Wiesenthal, who was a Concentration camp survivor and went through so much turmoil during this time he was captured.

He ended up not only surviving but thriving and eventually living into his 90’s. He wrote books, had a center named after him and was nominated for a Nobel Peace Prize. I am sure during his time he thought he was going to die at any moment and on top of this, even if he survived, he probably thought to himself about the wear and tear that this ordeal would take on him, but he never game up hope and eventually moved through this challenge in his life and flourished and lived a long happy life.

We, I, feel these challenges, these fights, whatever you want to call them that happen in your life, might have a long lasting effect on us and that we will never escape them but the reality is they make us stronger, and better and almost unstoppable and we do move on them and we do heal from them and I, we, all of us, do grow stronger and end up thriving and not just surviving.

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Steps and Lessons

When an individual has Lyme Disease, they usually have an array of symptoms, sometimes the symptom list can be endless. When you begin to get rid of symptoms and start moving forward, you sometimes will see other symptoms pop up. It’s like it’s endless. It’s like this continual shedding of layers. I equivocate this to life and steps and lessons. As you slowly move forward, or quickly move forward, you create steps and reach steps that move you forward. You also learn lessons.

So, when people ask, how will I know when I am better, or I have asked myself this question, you will know, I will know, it’s when all these steps are done and the lessons have learned and more specifically from a physical tangible standpoint, when all my symptoms are gone.

So what are these steps/lessons, at least looking at in my situation. I look at it as follows:

Step 1:

Don’t react, Don’t get made, and don’t let things affect your day:

This is a huge step for me, probably the biggest. For the last year and half, this has been mostly a constant. Afraid of moving my life forward, afraid of doing to much because I would feel worse. I mean I was always in hyper mode or at times still am and would react to situations and let it affect me in a extreme way. I am not saying don’t have feelings towards something, but I am talking in an extreme way.

So I first look at it with my parents, my family, who I live with. Until I can handle being around them all the time, not reacting, not having them affect me tremendously, have a flow with them, I can’t handle living in the outside world.

So step one, learn how to let go of the reactions of others, right now in a small sense and move through without fearing and reacting and then as I conquer that then can flow and conquer the rest of the world.

Step 2:

Steps to moving my life forward:

I feel a big part of somebody’s progress, specifically myself, is doing more to move your life forward, and moving away from Lyme, having to do so much for your health, etc. More of a flow.

For me, moving my life forward is making steps towards being able to be “independent” again, moving out of my parents house, making a living and doing this while still maintaining my health and thriving.

My first step, with film, because I am a filmmaker and writer, is finishing a script, a TV pilot, until I can finish that, I am not going to work on E-book and then work on making a film, even a short film.

On top of this it’s becoming financially independent and being able to take care of myself more and more. It’s me being able to run errands easily and do things that an independent individual does.

Step 3: Always feeling in the world, present, aware and able to clearly make decisions and aware of everything I do:

This is a big step. To be honest, I have still not felt this every moment of the day all day. It’s a million times better then it used to be, but it’s still not quite there. So it’s baby steps, it’s the little things, it’s things like doing 2 things when I go out instead of one, or being able to talk to somebody at a restaurant or wherever instead of stay in my shell and be clear and able to do that. Steps.

Step 4: Thriving not Surviving:

A lot of individuals with Lyme talk about being in survival mode each day, which I relate to quite well. For a long time, and still at points, you live in this survival mode day by day, not ever feeling like you are moving your life forward, just making sure you survive the day. This was my life for so long.

So, step 4, thriving not surviving, moving towards each day this essence of thriving and not in survival protection mode.

Step 5: Releasing all the Fear:

The is a big one. I have lived my life in such a routine this last year and half. In such a protection mode, in such a bubble, in such a place of feeling oblivious because not just because of how I feel but also because of fear. I mean I would drive to L.A. and talk about staying longer to write or something but because I always felt so uncomfortable and in chaos I just would go straight home. So much of this was how I felt but also fear.

So steps forward, is me releasing this fear, and trusting the universe and allowing myself to do more a little bit more all the time and not be afraid of everything and anything I do.

Step 5, moving through and releasing the fear.

Step 6: When I feel always part of the world again, in my body and connected:

This is probably the biggest step and one of the biggest challenge and a challenge that has created so much fear, afraid of doing new things or anything out of the ordinary or anything that made me have to move my body a certain way or anything that had a possibility of creating a worse situation or me feeling worse.

I guess the way I would explain this the best is me having had to adapt to feeling this way and living my life this way and then again having to readapt to the outside world. I look at the show Rectify, which I wrote a blog post about probably a little over a year ago when I was living in Seattle.

Rectify is a show a about a man who was put in prison when he was young and the effects it has on him and how he tries to adapt to the world years later. I mean there is the physical aspect of my experience but even more so the extreme mental and psychological and spiritual shift and transition of my experience, and just never experiencing almost everything I went through this past year and half and never feeling a part of the world.

So for me, it’s steps feeling more in the world. Being able to do a bit more each day, being part of the world the whole day. In the right flow throughout the day. Not part of the cycle. Just me feeling comfortable and able to do a little bit more each day and most of all my life, who I am who I am forming coming back to me, until it’s all connected again.

My blog has been used for me to do my best not just for healing but understanding my life and what I have gone through and always working on putting this experience into words. It’s a journey of great magnitude that I have definitely been through. I mean I don’t even think most people or almost anybody knows the extent of what I have gone through or how I have felt and this feeling of not being part of the world for so long and then being part of it again all of sudden and having your life back, it’s a beautiful thing and a very intense thing and this feeling like you haven’t seen anybody or done anything in years because you weren’t ever feeling it or experiencing it.

So my steps, my lessons towards feeling alive all the time again and symptom free.

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Fear, fear is an ugly thing and I feel it affects every single human being and some point in their lives. Sometimes it affects them on a daily basis. For others, it affects them from time to time. For myself, it has seemed to haunt me on a almost daily basis for the past year and half.

I was never somebody who feared much. I would sometimes be cautious of things, but I did not live my life in fear. Life, the world was always my playground and it was big and beautiful.

When I began to shift, a massive amount of fear struck over me. Part of this, was the “disease”, or the “condition itself, a big part of it was just not understanding it and another part is how I felt and I felt in terms of the world and in my body.

This fear haunted my existence. This fear prevented me from doing much of anything because of the way I felt. I always looked at it as a way of my body protecting itself.

This fear haunted everything I did, everything I would do. Because of the way I felt and this fear that was created from it, I didn’t do so many things, and some of these things included things that I could do to take care of myself and also things I could do to move my life forward because I felt so weird, so strange all the time.

When you don’t feel part of the world and in this fog state, it will make you fearful of doing so many things. It will make you afraid of doing so many things because in your unawareness, you don’t want to get worse, especially because you feel you are just dragging your body around in this fog. And you become used to this, so much so, that times you think you have escaped it or the reality is you do feel a bit better, you still feel it and bring that fear in. You still feel the symptoms and not aware in the world and that fear brings you everywhere.

So even when I have been feeling better, I still feel not quite 100% and feel this aspect, this fear and it still comes with me and it still so often makes it difficult for me to do things or go out because of the way I feel, not just physically or mentally but this fear.

I mean this fear has made me want to hide into a bubble until it’s over and not wanted me to deal with life and deal with anything and everything. I couldn’t deal with anything, I was so used to not dealing with anything because I felt I was already dealing with so much inside myself. Walking around in fear every moment of everyday in this fog. Planning my day ahead because I wanted to make sure I didn’t get worse or forget to do something and then get so spacey because I didn’t eat, etc.

This fear, that would be created and make me fearful of living my life, making movies, moving on, going forward, because I didn’t want to do to much and get worse. This fear of doing anything throughout the day that was away from understanding my experience and getting better and health related. This fear that invaded my being and every second of it.

The fact that I am so used to this, even when I go out still, I still feel it and I still feel the fear, the sensitivity, the PTSD. I have had to work on conquering that fear, because I know it’s one step closer to wellness. As somebody once said, with fear becomes freedom.

Fear is a nasty thing but it’s not real, it’s really an illusion, it’s in essence eliminating that and learning to take care of yourself and listen to yourself and then that fear will be eliminated with that will come strength and clarity.

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