Patience, something that’s been a challenge for me my whole life. I have never been by nature a very patient person. I have always wanted to get things right way or have things done quickly or get to the goal, etc. So being patient, has not always been the easiest thing for me.
This past year plus has been a testament to my patience and has taught me to be tremendously patient, which is hard for me and I see myself still, a lot of the time, getting impatient. Part of this is a physiological symptom of what I am going through but also a big part of it is because it’s been so long and feel only now am I getting some place, on top of that the constant feeling of what I am going through, is part of why it’s so hard to be patient.
I think my patient also runs thin because I feel I see the same things happening to me everyday and feel that not much has changed and feel that it’s not only so constant but that I don’t know if I am doing enough. Also when you can’t think clearly most of the time you rely on the doctors, healer, etc in your life and then months go by and you feel you haven’t gotten anywhere and you begin to question and continue to question, which in many ways in my nature.
It continues with the idea, which I grew accustomed to, of wanting it now. Wanting to be better now, want to not live my parents house anymore and be supported by them and thrive in the world and be set free. It makes me always want to search for answers.
I think even when I feel okay, it’s made me anxious because I don’t want to feel content with not always feeling 100%. I don’t want to feel content with this being my life, because it’s not. I think it’s been hard for me to trust the process, trust doctors, because of failures in the past. Hard for me to trust because of not being able to think clearly all the time like I am used too.
I know for a long time I didn’t do much not just because of the way I felt but also because I think I didn’t want something to distract me from my healing or have me get worse or prevent me from moving forward. For so long, I think I kept myself in a shell and always wanted to leave this shell and therefore always searching for answers.
I think also I have felt so uncomfortable for so long and not able to think clearly at all for so long, that I think now that I have moments and times, a lot of times of that or even in the past, it makes me want to use that to search for answers and make sure I am doing everything I can to get myself better.
It really is about patience. It’s not like I have a cold or just this one little obstacle. This is a major, major shift and major shifts take time. It takes time transform and I just have to always remember at how far I have come, be patient and know this is not my life, no I will move through this.
It’s not just about being patient with the process, it’s also about being patient with yourself.