Fear, fear is an ugly thing and I feel it affects every single human being and some point in their lives. Sometimes it affects them on a daily basis. For others, it affects them from time to time. For myself, it has seemed to haunt me on a almost daily basis for the past year and half.
I was never somebody who feared much. I would sometimes be cautious of things, but I did not live my life in fear. Life, the world was always my playground and it was big and beautiful.
When I began to shift, a massive amount of fear struck over me. Part of this, was the “disease”, or the “condition itself, a big part of it was just not understanding it and another part is how I felt and I felt in terms of the world and in my body.
This fear haunted my existence. This fear prevented me from doing much of anything because of the way I felt. I always looked at it as a way of my body protecting itself.
This fear haunted everything I did, everything I would do. Because of the way I felt and this fear that was created from it, I didn’t do so many things, and some of these things included things that I could do to take care of myself and also things I could do to move my life forward because I felt so weird, so strange all the time.
When you don’t feel part of the world and in this fog state, it will make you fearful of doing so many things. It will make you afraid of doing so many things because in your unawareness, you don’t want to get worse, especially because you feel you are just dragging your body around in this fog. And you become used to this, so much so, that times you think you have escaped it or the reality is you do feel a bit better, you still feel it and bring that fear in. You still feel the symptoms and not aware in the world and that fear brings you everywhere.
So even when I have been feeling better, I still feel not quite 100% and feel this aspect, this fear and it still comes with me and it still so often makes it difficult for me to do things or go out because of the way I feel, not just physically or mentally but this fear.
I mean this fear has made me want to hide into a bubble until it’s over and not wanted me to deal with life and deal with anything and everything. I couldn’t deal with anything, I was so used to not dealing with anything because I felt I was already dealing with so much inside myself. Walking around in fear every moment of everyday in this fog. Planning my day ahead because I wanted to make sure I didn’t get worse or forget to do something and then get so spacey because I didn’t eat, etc.
This fear, that would be created and make me fearful of living my life, making movies, moving on, going forward, because I didn’t want to do to much and get worse. This fear of doing anything throughout the day that was away from understanding my experience and getting better and health related. This fear that invaded my being and every second of it.
The fact that I am so used to this, even when I go out still, I still feel it and I still feel the fear, the sensitivity, the PTSD. I have had to work on conquering that fear, because I know it’s one step closer to wellness. As somebody once said, with fear becomes freedom.
Fear is a nasty thing but it’s not real, it’s really an illusion, it’s in essence eliminating that and learning to take care of yourself and listen to yourself and then that fear will be eliminated with that will come strength and clarity.