Finding my true self, starting over and doing my best to do it right

Here I am about a year and half later and though I am definitely in a better place in many ways I am also definitely not 100% and in some ways feel the same things, go through the same things I did a year ago, just not in as much of a chaotic place and less foggy and more energy, but I know I am not 100%. Also most of the time feel trapped in it with this way of never escaping, not knowing if I am doing enough to combat things or on the right path to build up to that point of doing enough to become symptom free.

I also reflect more on this last year plus and see the person I was and who I was and the way I was and it was truly not me.  A big part of that was the way Lyme, etc has affected me, but also it was part of the shift.  It was the transition phase. I only feel now that I am in the growing, rebuilding stage.

So I recently started with a new doctor who is starting slow with me and started me on a herb, Houttuniyia, which is focused on Bartonella, which my intuition is probably my main issue and the doctor agrees with me. He is starting slow because of what I have mentioned in the past and to see how I react, etc. I am still taking the MMS and Samento and Banderol, which I am not sure how much that helps or does not help.

I have been feeling sick, a bit more so, physically the last couple of days, partially I think it’s a herx but I also am unsure because I have felt this way before on and off. The constant cycling as I call it and how my body always reacts one way or another when I eat something and how my symptoms each day seem to revolve around that.

When I feel bad, I get anxious, as it brings up memories of the past, and I also start to question is this ever gonna end and I don’t want this to be my life and I know it won’t be. I also get anxious about getting on the right treatment plan that I know will eradicate the issue and set me back to full balance, health and happiness, which I know is not easy to tell.

I also think about if antibiotics are absolutely necessary for me to be symptom free and move on from this and for it to never happen again. I was speaking with a woman who is now symptom free, who was on ABX therapy for 2 years and still is. Her story is probably one of the closest I have found to mine, as she got sick years ago, didn’t know what it was, moved through it and then came back again much worse. Her doctor said antibiotics are absolutely necessary to fully eradicate things and she had not seen anybody in her experience that beat it without them. I know people who have, but it does make me wonder, considering how similar her situation is to mine.

I know when I first started taking the abx and had no idea what it was, what was going on, it was done by a doctor who had absolutely no business treating me, I didn’t know better because I was so lost in a fog, had no motivation and was so reliant on her. She did nothing to help me detox as well and makes me wonder if things were done slow and right, if it would have been the right way to go. I of course don’t know that for sure.

So I need to now just trust the path, listen to my body, and put my faith in my new doctor to get me back to balance and if he thinks abx will work and are necessary then I will try it, which I am not against, as long as I know it will help and work and get me back to that place of strength and clarity.

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Life is full of imperfection

I think  a lot of individuals feel they have to live their life perfectly.  I think they feel they have to not make mistakes, not upset people, not do things wrong, not fail, not go through hard times, not deal with conflict, problems, drama, trauma, etc.  I think they think they need to live a life full of no challenges, no struggles, a life of perfection, but the truth is that’s not reality and that’s not how life is.

Human beings are designed to not be perfect, to make mistakes and not go through struggles, challenges, so they grow and find themselves.  They are designed to discover there own right and wrong as right and wrong is not black and white.  They are not meant to be perfect, life is not meant to be perfect and you are not always going to feel comfortable, great and happy every single day, every single moment and that’s not necessarily a bad thing, it helps you grow.  Feeling and making mistakes is part of being a human being.

Though I continue to grow in releasing my need to be perfect and not always trying to solve every problem and live a mistake free life, it’s not the reality and that’s not how life is.  The reality is, I have made a lot of mistakes and I have grown and I have also gone through a lot, especially this last year plus and that’s okay, that’s been part of my journey.  

For a long time I didn’t want to deal with my struggle, I just wanted it to go away, but in reality it didn’t work that way, life doesn’t work that way.  I so often wanted to crawl up in a ball and escape it, escape life, but I knew that wasn’t healthy and I always at times when I felt better, grew to live my life, did the best I can do that and sure I made mistakes, sure I had failures sure I was still trying to figure out where I was at because my balance and consistency of always feeling a certain way went away and therefore I think everyday I was working on and am always working on finding myself, finding my balance again, finding that place were I felt good and happy pretty much all of the time.  I was in the flow.

It’s like in the last year, even more so, this need for everything to be perfect, nothing to go wrong during the day, etc., needed to be perfect because of how I felt or feel and how sensitive I am.  I exaggerate everything and things in the past that would float by, I obsess and let linger and want to solve the answer.  It’s very similar to my healing and personality.  

It’s like my whole life has felt like it’s been magnified by 100 times and everything a little is exaggerated, which has made me feel this need to be perfect, but the reality is life is not perfect, no matter what and it’s full of imperfections.  

I never used to question my decision making or if I wasn’t perfect, but it’s like I couldn’t deal with things, so I have wanted everything to be perfect.  

The reality is that’s not how life works, we are not perfect, we make mistakes, we grow.  Sometimes these mistakes are not really mistakes at all, or most of the time they aren’t.  There is not such thing as a perfect life or everything to be perfect and I need to remember that.

Getting deeper to the root of this for myself is, I don’t want to be in this situation anymore and I want to do everything to feel great all the time and when something is thrown off, it makes me go to a place of fear, negativity and thinking that it’s going to throw me off or make me worse, but in reality it’s just helping grow and evolve and as I write this and getting deeper I evolve more and heal more.

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The Ultimate Lesson

I have found out the ultimate lesson in this past year plus is that no matter how busy I get, how healthy I am I always need to take care of myself and understand that that is what’s important.  I forgot about this or lost touch with this to some extent and that’s why I shifted.

Even in the future if I am making a feature film. Even when I am extremely healthy and happy it is very very important to still not lose touch with taking care of myself and that’s the ultimate lesson and in my mind the ultimate lesson in most people’s healthy challenges, traumatic, experiences. It’s about loving yourself and putting yourself number one first and no matter what always taking care of yourself on every level.

That’s what I have learned. As I slowly move forward and slowly heal more and more I am learning to take more charge of feeling great and slowly integrate forward as well. It’s always going to be a balance. It’s a balance for everybody but the more you focus on your health, the less you need to and then it’s about keeping it in check and finding the balance with life.

This is the ultimate lesson and I believe it’s true for almost everybody going through some type of challenge.

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Patience, patience, patience…

Patience, something that’s been a challenge for me my whole life.  I have never been by nature a very patient person.  I have always wanted to get things right way or have things done quickly or get to the goal, etc.  So being patient, has not always been the easiest thing for me.  

This past year plus has been a testament to my patience and has taught me to be tremendously patient, which is hard for me and I see myself still, a lot of the time, getting impatient.  Part of this is a physiological symptom of what I am going through but also a big part of it is because it’s been so long and feel only now am I getting some place, on top of that the constant feeling of what I am going through, is part of why it’s so hard to be patient.  

I think my patient also runs thin because I feel I see the same things happening to me everyday and feel that not much has changed and feel that it’s not only so constant but that I don’t know if I am doing enough.  Also when you can’t think clearly most of the time you rely on the doctors, healer, etc in your life and then months go by and you feel you haven’t gotten anywhere and you begin to question and continue to question, which in many ways in my nature.

It continues with the idea, which I grew accustomed to, of wanting it now.  Wanting to be better now, want to not live my parents house anymore and be supported by them and thrive in the world and be set free.  It makes me always want to search for answers.

I think even when I feel okay, it’s made me anxious because I don’t want to feel content with not always feeling 100%.  I don’t want to feel content with this being my life, because it’s not.  I think it’s been hard for me to trust the process, trust doctors, because of failures in the past.  Hard for me to trust because of not being able to think clearly all the time like I am used too.

I know for a long time I didn’t do much not just because of the way I felt but also because I think I didn’t want something to distract me from my healing or have me get worse or prevent me from moving forward.  For so long, I think I kept myself in a shell and always wanted to leave this shell and therefore always searching for answers.

I think also I have felt so uncomfortable for so long and not able to think clearly at all for so long, that I think now that I have moments and times, a lot of times of that or even in the past, it makes me want to use that to search for answers and make sure I am doing everything I can to get myself better.  

It really is about patience.  It’s not like I have a cold or just this one little obstacle.  This is a major, major shift and major shifts take time.  It takes time transform and I just have to always remember at how far I have come, be patient and know this is not my life, no I will move through this.  

It’s not just about being patient with the process, it’s also about being patient with yourself.

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When I move fully through this and the future…

No matter how rough I have felt or how much I wanted to escape or how bad it was, I knew, or I have always known I was going to move through this and become stronger and healthier and happier then I ever have been in my life.  I always knew there were better days and are better days ahead.  I always knew this was temporary and not my life and only a hurdle to lead me on the path I am meant to go on.

I am continuing to slowly feel better and come into my own again, which is a bit weird.  I am also speaking with a new doctor tomorrow, who I have seen once, to go over a treatment plan back to wellness.  I feel I am finally at that point where the clarity to get there is going to be in place.  It’s definitely been a long road, a long journey and I have come so far. 

So as I move through this and grow stronger, I then begin to fully transform and create a rebirth to start over.  So I ask myself what does that look like.  What does starting over for me look like, where am I going and here is what it looks like:

It’s me doing things like deleting my Facebook account and starting from scratch.

It’s me looking at the world differently and not taking it for granted.  

It’s me traveling around the world and fully enjoying life.

It’s me being a successful filmmaker, abundant and creating films on my own terms, in my own way in a stress free way.

It’s me educating the world on health and wellness and helping others help themselves.

It’s me always taking care of my health all the way around.

It’s me building great relationships with positive people who help me strive and thrive.

It’s me loving myself fully and doing what I need to do to take care of myself.

It’s me not living in fear and deprivation and ridding myself of the bad habits and negative energy of the past.

 

What does your future hold?

 

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You shouldn’t care what other’s think about you

Most of the time, this is easier said then done.  It’s also harder when you are sensitive, open and vulnerable and allow yourself to be.  It’s even more of challenge in many ways when you have a challenge you are moving through like Lyme, parasites or anything that can affect the way you react to life and feel.  

The people that are the most successful in life tend to be driven and really don’t care what others think, this is how they became successful.

For myself, it’s easier said then done and has taken a lot of work for me to get to the point of not allowing myself be bothered by others and it’s always an ongoing process. I look at how much energy I have spent caring about other’s opinions, their thoughts, what they think, etc. and I look at how unhealthy that has been and how that energy should be honed within.

I am not saying you should be 100% selfish and never give but you should not worry about what other’s think when making decisions or living your life and watch what happens. Everything will seem to fall into place and everything will work out the way it’s supposed too.

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Fear of Success

I once made a documentary on the year in the life of an entrepreneur who tries to create a billion dollar business on a hundred dollar budget in a year’s time.  We followed him for a year through his trials and tribulations and though this person was highly intelligent, creative and extremely passionate and driven, it always felt like there was something holding him back and my thoughts were that he almost had a fear of success.  It was like if we became successful, then what would he be driven to do, what would he be aspired to do.  Like he enjoyed the chase, the journey, much more then the goal.

I think this is common with so many individuals. I mean I see it all the time. I have mentioned to friends what happens if you put 100% energy into that one thing you love, etc and then the excuses come in, even though of course they say that’s all they want to do. I find it interesting.

Then I look at myself and my current transition and even in the past and though I have always had high goals and aspirations, maybe a part of me was afraid of being successful, holding back. I then look at my current transition and I have almost adapted and felt used to feeling the way I feel everyday, that it’s almost becomes hard for my body to let go in a sense. Like almost possibly there is a subconscious block of wellness.

Part of this is a PTSD/dream feeling that I constantly feel and part of it is the wear and tear of the past and my body remembering the way I felt in the past, etc when I did certain things, etc.

I guess I also look at it in the sense of it being hard for people, myself, anybody to let go, because when they fully let go, what do they still have to hold too.

It’s a whole new world for me again. A total place of starting over and from scratch so in a sense, yes that is scary, it’s exciting too in many ways because I am experiencing the world brand new again.

I then ask myself what is there really to be afraid of and I look further on how I can let go, let go of my blocks, my fears and I see myself at times holding back, afraid of this happening again, afraid of readapting to the world, dealing with life again and feeling okay and growing and not being so sensitive or everything being traumatic.

We have a fear of success I believe because we are afraid of the unknown and we become used to what we know is natural. By being open to vulnerability and open to faith and trusting, many things can open up, but you have to look within yourself and search your heart and release that fear and give it your all.

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