Patience, patience, patience…

Patience, something that’s been a challenge for me my whole life.  I have never been by nature a very patient person.  I have always wanted to get things right way or have things done quickly or get to the goal, etc.  So being patient, has not always been the easiest thing for me.  

This past year plus has been a testament to my patience and has taught me to be tremendously patient, which is hard for me and I see myself still, a lot of the time, getting impatient.  Part of this is a physiological symptom of what I am going through but also a big part of it is because it’s been so long and feel only now am I getting some place, on top of that the constant feeling of what I am going through, is part of why it’s so hard to be patient.  

I think my patient also runs thin because I feel I see the same things happening to me everyday and feel that not much has changed and feel that it’s not only so constant but that I don’t know if I am doing enough.  Also when you can’t think clearly most of the time you rely on the doctors, healer, etc in your life and then months go by and you feel you haven’t gotten anywhere and you begin to question and continue to question, which in many ways in my nature.

It continues with the idea, which I grew accustomed to, of wanting it now.  Wanting to be better now, want to not live my parents house anymore and be supported by them and thrive in the world and be set free.  It makes me always want to search for answers.

I think even when I feel okay, it’s made me anxious because I don’t want to feel content with not always feeling 100%.  I don’t want to feel content with this being my life, because it’s not.  I think it’s been hard for me to trust the process, trust doctors, because of failures in the past.  Hard for me to trust because of not being able to think clearly all the time like I am used too.

I know for a long time I didn’t do much not just because of the way I felt but also because I think I didn’t want something to distract me from my healing or have me get worse or prevent me from moving forward.  For so long, I think I kept myself in a shell and always wanted to leave this shell and therefore always searching for answers.

I think also I have felt so uncomfortable for so long and not able to think clearly at all for so long, that I think now that I have moments and times, a lot of times of that or even in the past, it makes me want to use that to search for answers and make sure I am doing everything I can to get myself better.  

It really is about patience.  It’s not like I have a cold or just this one little obstacle.  This is a major, major shift and major shifts take time.  It takes time transform and I just have to always remember at how far I have come, be patient and know this is not my life, no I will move through this.  

It’s not just about being patient with the process, it’s also about being patient with yourself.

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When I move fully through this and the future…

No matter how rough I have felt or how much I wanted to escape or how bad it was, I knew, or I have always known I was going to move through this and become stronger and healthier and happier then I ever have been in my life.  I always knew there were better days and are better days ahead.  I always knew this was temporary and not my life and only a hurdle to lead me on the path I am meant to go on.

I am continuing to slowly feel better and come into my own again, which is a bit weird.  I am also speaking with a new doctor tomorrow, who I have seen once, to go over a treatment plan back to wellness.  I feel I am finally at that point where the clarity to get there is going to be in place.  It’s definitely been a long road, a long journey and I have come so far. 

So as I move through this and grow stronger, I then begin to fully transform and create a rebirth to start over.  So I ask myself what does that look like.  What does starting over for me look like, where am I going and here is what it looks like:

It’s me doing things like deleting my Facebook account and starting from scratch.

It’s me looking at the world differently and not taking it for granted.  

It’s me traveling around the world and fully enjoying life.

It’s me being a successful filmmaker, abundant and creating films on my own terms, in my own way in a stress free way.

It’s me educating the world on health and wellness and helping others help themselves.

It’s me always taking care of my health all the way around.

It’s me building great relationships with positive people who help me strive and thrive.

It’s me loving myself fully and doing what I need to do to take care of myself.

It’s me not living in fear and deprivation and ridding myself of the bad habits and negative energy of the past.

 

What does your future hold?

 

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You shouldn’t care what other’s think about you

Most of the time, this is easier said then done.  It’s also harder when you are sensitive, open and vulnerable and allow yourself to be.  It’s even more of challenge in many ways when you have a challenge you are moving through like Lyme, parasites or anything that can affect the way you react to life and feel.  

The people that are the most successful in life tend to be driven and really don’t care what others think, this is how they became successful.

For myself, it’s easier said then done and has taken a lot of work for me to get to the point of not allowing myself be bothered by others and it’s always an ongoing process. I look at how much energy I have spent caring about other’s opinions, their thoughts, what they think, etc. and I look at how unhealthy that has been and how that energy should be honed within.

I am not saying you should be 100% selfish and never give but you should not worry about what other’s think when making decisions or living your life and watch what happens. Everything will seem to fall into place and everything will work out the way it’s supposed too.

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Fear of Success

I once made a documentary on the year in the life of an entrepreneur who tries to create a billion dollar business on a hundred dollar budget in a year’s time.  We followed him for a year through his trials and tribulations and though this person was highly intelligent, creative and extremely passionate and driven, it always felt like there was something holding him back and my thoughts were that he almost had a fear of success.  It was like if we became successful, then what would he be driven to do, what would he be aspired to do.  Like he enjoyed the chase, the journey, much more then the goal.

I think this is common with so many individuals. I mean I see it all the time. I have mentioned to friends what happens if you put 100% energy into that one thing you love, etc and then the excuses come in, even though of course they say that’s all they want to do. I find it interesting.

Then I look at myself and my current transition and even in the past and though I have always had high goals and aspirations, maybe a part of me was afraid of being successful, holding back. I then look at my current transition and I have almost adapted and felt used to feeling the way I feel everyday, that it’s almost becomes hard for my body to let go in a sense. Like almost possibly there is a subconscious block of wellness.

Part of this is a PTSD/dream feeling that I constantly feel and part of it is the wear and tear of the past and my body remembering the way I felt in the past, etc when I did certain things, etc.

I guess I also look at it in the sense of it being hard for people, myself, anybody to let go, because when they fully let go, what do they still have to hold too.

It’s a whole new world for me again. A total place of starting over and from scratch so in a sense, yes that is scary, it’s exciting too in many ways because I am experiencing the world brand new again.

I then ask myself what is there really to be afraid of and I look further on how I can let go, let go of my blocks, my fears and I see myself at times holding back, afraid of this happening again, afraid of readapting to the world, dealing with life again and feeling okay and growing and not being so sensitive or everything being traumatic.

We have a fear of success I believe because we are afraid of the unknown and we become used to what we know is natural. By being open to vulnerability and open to faith and trusting, many things can open up, but you have to look within yourself and search your heart and release that fear and give it your all.

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Inner Conflict…

I was reading a metaphysical book on disease and the core reason on why a “disease” manifests in the body.  It was saying that any disease resulting from inflammation or infection is a result of inner conflict and once that conflict is resolved, with help from the brain, the body goes into recovery and full healing.

I look at something like Lyme Disease, which results in infection and a lot of internal feelings of being uncomfortable and and inflammation and I look at as a form of inner conflict with not just the bacteria, toxins, etc but with yourself.

For myself, what is that inner conflict. Well one inner conflict, that I have, which I know a lot of people with Lyme and a lot of diseases have is the balance of moving your life forward and trying to live your life and working on healing and not overdoing it as you recover and get better. The minute that somebody, myself let’s go of this, the conflict begins to resolve.

I look at this in myself and it’s taking awhile to be honest but I have finally let go of this conflict and focused truly on myself and let go of this need or force of moving my life forward and not creating a conflict from it but creating a flow with it and therefore started my road to healing and full recovery.

So I look deeper in myself and look at the inner conflict with myself and what was going on before this and I look at where I was at in my life and always feeling conflicted with struggling to be a filmmaker and wait for that “break” or to support myself full time with film and just doing something to make consistent money. Also with the conflict of where I was at and spreading myself think and focusing on many things.

I look at the conflict of the last year plus and circle game I would go through with myself of being me or my old me and moving forward and shifting. No matter how much I wanted to change, it just takes time and it’s about losing my old self and not living in the past.

I release this inner conflict, as it’s not serving me and not moving my healing forward and as I do, I continue to fully heal.

What’s your inner conflict? How are you letting go of it?

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It becomes Hard for us to let go…

When we become a part of something, whatever that maybe it takes a time to acclimate but once we acclimate, no matter what we are a part of, even if we don’t want to be, whether it be a relationship, job, traumatic experience, disease, etc, it becomes hard for us to let go. We become used to it.

When somebody gets “diagnosed” with a “disease” they begin to reach out to others who can relate to them, especially when it’s something that most of their friends and people in their life don’t understand. They become a part of this community so they can connect, learn and try to understand what’s going on and ideally move through.

With Lyme Disease, it’s still a very misunderstood disease and most people don’t understand it. People become isolated and as human beings we crave connection, community, people that understand. So many people become part of the “Lyme Community” to connect and understand.

We want to let go and move on from this disease but in many ways what we don’t realize is energetically we are a part of this community that surrounds around this disease so what would happen if we didn’t have it anymore, then we would not be part of that community and I believe, for myself subconsciously a bit and for many people we hold on to this and it becomes hard for us to let go.

On top of this we become so used to feeling this way, especially the way Lyme affects you mentally and makes you not part of the world, makes your world so small.

I look at this in myself and I know a big part of that is physical and physiological but I am so used to this certain routine, used to feeling this way, used to having my whole world wrapped up in my health and getting better, that it does almost become hard to let go of it.

It’s like a protection mode of sorts, for myself, protection from the world, protection from getting worse and putting myself in a bubble or that feeling til I am fully in a place to let go and be free.

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There is No Such Thing as a Magic Pill

A lot of people wish and would like to believe that there is something called a “magic pill”, a cure all for everything.   Humans are complex individuals and the idea that one easy answer can fix all your problems, that would be nice, but that’s a way of avoidance and doesn’t exist.  

I wish there was a magic pill, I think we all do, but it takes work taking care of yourself and the longer you ignore your physical being, your emotions, your demons, your layers and become clear and don’t understand, the more you need to do get balanced. It’s like a build-up effect, if you don’t clean the garbage can regularly it’s only going to build up.

For myself, I think for so long I have been looking for this magic pill, because of how suddenly my life shifted and changed but in reality it wasn’t about finding that magic pill, it wasn’t even about healing all of my symptoms, it was about finding who I am and shedding the layers and diving deeper into myself.

I saw myself this past year plus everyday and still to some extent searching for this magic answer, this magic pill in a sense. When in reality, life isn’t even about that, it’s not about a magic pill, and the more I tried searching for this magic pill the more anxiety I created.

If life were a magic pill, we would never really find ourselves.

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