Experiencing Life

For the past year and half, and really up until recently, I have felt like I have not experienced life.  Like I have been frozen in time in this vortex of sorts, moving through a transition, reshaping myself, rebuilding myself.  It’s not a fun feeling, and honestly created so much anxiety for me for so long, the feeling that you are dragging your body around and not experiencing anything you are doing.  Or, when you feel you are, feeling like it’s a fake illusion because you have not reached that place where you are fully through this, that place where you feel fully alive again all the time and part of the world and fully experiencing life.

When people would meet me through this shift, especially during the rough parts in the first 6 months or so of it, I always talk about how you have never really met who I am and this feeling I am not fully here.  All of this has gotten better but I am not there yet.  I still meet people and know that I am not at that point all the time where I have fully evolved to who I am, who I will be when I fully move through this.  

So, it’s a very weird feeling at times knowing that and feeling so one way one minute and so another way another, knowing that I am balancing out.  Knowing that one day I will really meet everybody that I have met through this shift.  I know I am getting there, it’s just about patience and to keep going, keep moving through, keep evolving, keep taking care of myself, keep trusting the path and keep coming with the clarity and soon I will feel crystal clear and alive again all the time.

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2 Responses to Experiencing Life

  1. I know what you are talking about! It is so hard for me when people that I have met since the Lyme journey say to me, “Oh, you’re doing so much better.” because they didn’t know me before… they don’t know my full capacity. And how happy I can be.

    I digress…

  2. lauralistar says:

    All of this is part of who you are, even the not so good stuff. Even though its only alluded to here, with the dating stuff, I would think that you would want someone who did know you all along and supported you through thick and then.

    It seems as though maybe you think that you’re not being who you are but this is part of who you are and that’s okay. To think you are only yourself when you are well, that eliminates a great deal of people, doesn’t it?

    If you want a quality person then you are looking for someone that was always there for you, even at your worst. If someone is genuine, your not being 100% shouldn’t scare them away. But it’s as if the type of woman that’s going to stand by your side is the one you don’t take a second glance to. She gets put in the friend zone for seeing through the fog and a new girl gets to come in, after your all better, and in a way, it will be as if she never really knew you at all.

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