The fear returns

I almost wasn’t going to post today because I had a pretty hard day and had to have an Endoscopy this morning.  I had these very scary attacks today as well, that either have been going on this whole time, or I am just now aware of them.  Also a lot of my anxiety came back today and the last couple of days because I have been feeling more foggy and spacey and disoriented and unaware then I have since probably mid-April and I started feeling this space-out disoriented attack and all of it scared me.  I always think I am going to die when it happens, which is similar reactions I pretty much get all the time but for awhile I was able to let that go.  I also get more anxiety from it because there is a lot of unknown from it and I am always I feel in this sense of unawareness, so being that I get freaked out.  At least for awhile, I felt I was getting better, and my sharpness, awareness, etc was coming back so to get these feelings again that I got in Mid-April has scared me.

I am still waiting on the tests from the doctors on how to move forward with treatment, which hopefully should be here this week, possibly tomorrow. 

I know I am going to be fine and get through this, it’s just scary when you start feeling worse all of sudden, worse then you had in months and all the same fears and anxiety start coming up and you are still in this unknown territory.  Also the fact that I have been taking an antibiotic for 3 months now and still have the same things happening, has made things hard as well. 

In reality, I am probably just becoming more and more aware to what’s been happening, which is not a bad thing, but I just want to move through this, really understand fully what’s happening and feel part of the world, in my body, not in a dream, not getting white flashes, or these attacks or feel lightheaded and disoriented all the time and have vision issues and being spacey and emotional.  I want to be well and in the flow of life.  I am ready to be.

I am ready to be well.  I am ready to be balanced and ready to move through this, ready to feel fully alive again, ready to feel part of the world.  I release all this fear, all this resentment, all this guilt and this illness and disease from me now.  I am ready to live my life fully and be in Los Angeles and making movies.  I am ready.

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