Seeking answers, finding truth, gaining clarity

On January 27th, was the day my mind and body became extremely out of balance for me and sent me into a whirlwind cycle of extreme anxiety, mixed with other physical and emotional manifestations.  The morning of the day I went to yoga, like I normally do on Sunday mornings and then later on I met a friend and I was out of breath the whole time I was talking with her, mind you I did not probably eat as much as I should have after yoga. 

Later on that day I was with a friend and I felt very disconnected and foggy and off, like frozen, like I couldn’t connect and I was thinking to myself, this isn’t me.  That night I got these sensations that I remember getting ten and half years ago, that caused a panic attack and then the next day I couldn’t calm my body down and I have been going through extreme cycling ever since.

While this was going on, I kept searching for answers, having extreme anxiety and kept thinking I figured it out and then thinking I never did.  My worst fears where coming up and I couldn’t get out of the cycling, couldn’t get out of the rut and ever since then that’s what’s it been happening.

Yes I got diagnosed with Lyme Disease, yes I have a low VEGF which is in relation to Mold and from a physical standpoint, that’s why this happen and other physical things have been happening but physical ailments are just manifestations of something deeper, something more on a cellular, metaphysical and emotional level. 

When I went through something similar ten plus years ago, I never “found out” what it was no matter what doctor I went to, I eventually moved through it, things balanced out and I lived my life and found the answers inside of me.  Obviously I did not fully deal with everything ten plus years ago so that’s why the same thing came up again stronger then ever. 

So, over the past five months I have been searching for answers or waiting for one day to feel a “certain” way, but in reality it’s about living my life and acceptance.  Everything eventually blended years ago and now it’s starting to blend again. 

I am a speedy person in general, high energy and what happen was I was not eating as much as I should have for a period of time and that mixed with fogginess and adrenals on overload, makes a bad combination and that, from a physical standpoint is what happen.

From an emotional stand point it’s about me learning how not to disconnect and trust the process and let go and be patient.  I am now forced to really ground and connect and be present.  On top of that also not speed through life and connect with it and really learn to experience it.  I am connecting my mind and my body again and grounding. 

It’s also about loving myself and not avoiding conflict and taking care of myself and growing up and being responsible and not shifting my path away from what I love.  It’s about acceptance and forgiveness and about understanding.  It’s about learning about to be present and not checkout.  It’s about me becoming a man and not always seeking answers from the outside but instead look inside. 

I love myself and I am healthy and I am strong and I am moving through this and can conquer anything and do anything.

I kept searching for answers from the outside but the answers are really on the inside.


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