As I move though this part of my life and shift and transform and transition, I think the thing I struggle with the most almost all the time is trying to live my life and move forward and move through and move on and also realizing I am still working on healing fully and not quite 100% yet and also rebuilding my life.
I struggle with just living a sense of normalcy, whatever that is and mostly focused on my healing and my well-being. I struggle with the idea of wanting to do more and do things like date, be social, etc, real human needs and the reality that I am still working on rebuilding myself and moving through.
I think a lot of times I struggle with being a human being. I feel I move through so many intense emotions and situations everyday that still really affect me, much more then they should that it’s hard, especially when there seems to be this fight between living my life, moving on and moving through and just focusing on myself, healing and nothing else.
It’s difficult because we have basic human needs and desires and I naturally have those all the time. It makes me second guess things so much and question so many decisions, like should I go out, should I go on a date, should I go to this event, should I go to yoga, should I go to a bar, should I do this, or that. It’s hard, you know you feel like you are in some type of jail, a jail of your mind and your struggles.
When I do go out, go to Los Angeles, I go hang out with people for a bit and then come back home and it’s hard because I know I need to be were I am right now, living outside of Los Angeles, with my family, but I honestly struggle with it.
I just continually struggle with that balance of working on myself and healing fully, and rebuilding my life and also living my life and being in the flow do things humans do. I feel I have to spend so much of my energy each day in this conflicting struggle of moving through this and but knowing I am not there yet, of living my life fully and doing things in the flow and knowing I have to really take things one step at a time and not be hard on myself.
In this struggle, of feeling I have an asterisk over me when it comes to things or I feel I have to explain things so much and this feeling that so many conversations are dominated by what I am going through or me spending so much time explaining myself and exuding so much energy in that respect instead of just being and living.
I know there is a reality to it all and one day, one day soon all of this will be behind me but it’s a struggle or a challenge I go through to still live my life and move forward and still work on myself.