This is what goes through my mind it feels like every single day. Every time I wake up, Every time I move, every thing I do, this is what goes through my head. I have moments for sure when I can forget about everything and moments were I can just be but the moments I have were I feel awesome and balanced in the past year to be honest have been rare, very rare.
I had a doctor ask me do you ever feel “normal” and I was like no. It’s like one day there was switch and it’s been this constant place of cycling and spinning in an sense I have been growing to get out of ever since. I think the way I would explain it most is it’s hard for me to just be, just go through a normal day and “be”.
I think in the few moments in the day were I feel at least close to balance or somewhat there, I want to try to squeeze everything in I can in some ways and not just “be”, but feel alive and human again. It’s like okay I have a moment, do I make a phone call or do I do something for myself and then what’s hard is that moment can go away pretty quickly, and usually does.
So in essence, this why I get anxious in many ways, this is why I feel like, though I have come far, I feel so much is not being addressed and I keep spinning, this is why I try to not do much so much and search inside and this is why I am always searching for answers.
It’s hard for individuals to understand this because when most people wake up in the morning, obviously not all, they can wake up and be and go through their day without fluctuation of change and unawareness, me on the other hand, it’s much different, I always have to be hyper aware and on guard, all the time, everything I do because my body and mind at this current point is not flowing and moving like it normally should and my senses as well.
It’s like the moments I have I try to just be have a moment, and it seems unpredictable when they come. It’s like in those moments I try to just “be” and be a human being, but it’s a struggle because for now, I know it changes and the cycle continues.
I guess leaving with this in my final explanation is, you enjoy that chocolate cake but you know the consequence in eating it, but imagine you enjoy just being a human being and making decisions and living your life but in essence you sometimes know the consequences in just doing that at this moment, that you have to keep things in check to protect yourself and not allow yourself of feeling worse because in this moment you are in protection and healing mode, but you struggle because you are a human being and just want to feel normal and “be”.