The last year plus has been intense, extreme, uncomfortable and not pleasant. In many ways it’s felt like I have been in this constant groundhog day of sorts. What’s also been hard, is that I seem to feel guilty or have so much in the past year plus from just trying to be human, just trying to be and always feel conflicted from moving forward, and living my life and not overdoing it and jeopardizing my healing.
I mean everything I do I felt I was walking on eggshells because partially my reality and sense of being got pulled away from me and it was like I was building my scratch.
So much of this, has resulted from a fear of feeling worse, getting worse and not getting better so I have mostly protected myself by not doing much and moving around delicately. A big part of that is the physical feeling I feel.
Many individuals, when moving through something that is challenging do everything they can to only move forward and prevent themselves from feeling worse or getting worse. For myself, for so long, I was in such protection mode because of the way I felt and therefore always struggled with just being human because I just never felt human and felt part of this world, a very unsettling feeling.
It’s a form of escapism, something we as humans do quite often to protect ourselves when we go through some hard, we initially don’t want to deal with it, don’t want to deal with the darkness, the emotions, the layers but when we look deeper and begin to understand, that’s when the healing begins.
For myself, I know this isn’t my life, this is temporary but it’s still this balancing act of moving forward without hindering the healing process but I guess that’s part of life.