Finding my true self, starting over and doing my best to do it right

Here I am about a year and half later and though I am definitely in a better place in many ways I am also definitely not 100% and in some ways feel the same things, go through the same things I did a year ago, just not in as much of a chaotic place and less foggy and more energy, but I know I am not 100%. Also most of the time feel trapped in it with this way of never escaping, not knowing if I am doing enough to combat things or on the right path to build up to that point of doing enough to become symptom free.

I also reflect more on this last year plus and see the person I was and who I was and the way I was and it was truly not me.  A big part of that was the way Lyme, etc has affected me, but also it was part of the shift.  It was the transition phase. I only feel now that I am in the growing, rebuilding stage.

So I recently started with a new doctor who is starting slow with me and started me on a herb, Houttuniyia, which is focused on Bartonella, which my intuition is probably my main issue and the doctor agrees with me. He is starting slow because of what I have mentioned in the past and to see how I react, etc. I am still taking the MMS and Samento and Banderol, which I am not sure how much that helps or does not help.

I have been feeling sick, a bit more so, physically the last couple of days, partially I think it’s a herx but I also am unsure because I have felt this way before on and off. The constant cycling as I call it and how my body always reacts one way or another when I eat something and how my symptoms each day seem to revolve around that.

When I feel bad, I get anxious, as it brings up memories of the past, and I also start to question is this ever gonna end and I don’t want this to be my life and I know it won’t be. I also get anxious about getting on the right treatment plan that I know will eradicate the issue and set me back to full balance, health and happiness, which I know is not easy to tell.

I also think about if antibiotics are absolutely necessary for me to be symptom free and move on from this and for it to never happen again. I was speaking with a woman who is now symptom free, who was on ABX therapy for 2 years and still is. Her story is probably one of the closest I have found to mine, as she got sick years ago, didn’t know what it was, moved through it and then came back again much worse. Her doctor said antibiotics are absolutely necessary to fully eradicate things and she had not seen anybody in her experience that beat it without them. I know people who have, but it does make me wonder, considering how similar her situation is to mine.

I know when I first started taking the abx and had no idea what it was, what was going on, it was done by a doctor who had absolutely no business treating me, I didn’t know better because I was so lost in a fog, had no motivation and was so reliant on her. She did nothing to help me detox as well and makes me wonder if things were done slow and right, if it would have been the right way to go. I of course don’t know that for sure.

So I need to now just trust the path, listen to my body, and put my faith in my new doctor to get me back to balance and if he thinks abx will work and are necessary then I will try it, which I am not against, as long as I know it will help and work and get me back to that place of strength and clarity.

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