Fuck

A four letter word that can be described in so many ways.  Kind of how I have felt this last week.  The week started off okay.  Actually Monday night I had a moment I didn’t feel to bad, food absorbed in my body nicely went I ate dinner, which is rare because of this constant digestive stuff, and it wasn’t bad, and then come Tuesday night and started feeling awful physically and that lasted for a few days and I think the worst feeling with it was the fact that I felt I couldn’t call anybody, including my doctor.  I called my doctor anyways of course and they gave some stupid response that I figured they would give me, and the doctor didn’t call, the assistant.  My parents care but I still got yelled at, even though I was in excruciating pain.  I mean it’s like what my title says, FUCK.

I feel like I am square one again and g-d forbid I start feeling worse at all, I already my parents not really listen to me.  It’s like I am at this standstill.  I feel lost in some ways and I try my best everyday to figure it out move forward and I just feel I am in circles and I am at square one.  I don’t want this to be my life and I am tired of this circle game.

I deleted my Facebook, to start over, start fresh and didn’t matter anyways because after I deleted nobody has contacted me, which I find very interesting because I had 1600 friends on their, and I would say I met about 85% of them at some point in real life give or take, and it’s still as if I don’t exist, I am just a mirage of sorts to them.  Facebook is a place that is meant as a social network and what’s interesting is a illusion of isolation.  It’s a falsity of friendship and it’s cop out for people to not really have to go out of their way to see you in person.  It’s sad.

I am burnt out defending myself everyday, explaining myself to people and still not always having people listen, still feel like I am in the same place I was year plus ago, just a bit wiser, not as chaotic and foggy.   

I think people, including my parents think I enjoy feeling this way, I enjoy being tired, moving slow, feeling uncomfortable all the time, etc, but i don’t, far from it.  I want to do everything I can to get out of it but I just feel lost so much and I say fuck.  And tonight it would have been nice to call somebody but I don’t even know who to call anymore, because most of the time it’s like they can’t be bothered or most of the time don’t answer and don’t call back.

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5 Responses to Fuck

  1. I’m sorry you’re feeling awful. It definitely is compounded when people don’t reach out or seem to notice our silence or isolation.

    Facebook is a sure fire way to feel awful about life. Be glad to be done with it.

    I am glad you posted and shared your feelings.

  2. Christine Tappen says:

    I’m sorry your going thru a rough time. I agree with what you say about Facebook. It is a falsity of friends. These last couple of posts you’ve written are a lot different from the previous ones. I get a much better sense of who you are. I think its a great post.

  3. Jessica says:

    Keep your chin up, Jason. Your road has been tough but things will get better… I know how you feel.

  4. Irene says:

    Hope you are feeling a bit better now…

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