A four letter word that can be described in so many ways. Kind of how I have felt this last week. The week started off okay. Actually Monday night I had a moment I didn’t feel to bad, food absorbed in my body nicely went I ate dinner, which is rare because of this constant digestive stuff, and it wasn’t bad, and then come Tuesday night and started feeling awful physically and that lasted for a few days and I think the worst feeling with it was the fact that I felt I couldn’t call anybody, including my doctor. I called my doctor anyways of course and they gave some stupid response that I figured they would give me, and the doctor didn’t call, the assistant. My parents care but I still got yelled at, even though I was in excruciating pain. I mean it’s like what my title says, FUCK.
I feel like I am square one again and g-d forbid I start feeling worse at all, I already my parents not really listen to me. It’s like I am at this standstill. I feel lost in some ways and I try my best everyday to figure it out move forward and I just feel I am in circles and I am at square one. I don’t want this to be my life and I am tired of this circle game.
I deleted my Facebook, to start over, start fresh and didn’t matter anyways because after I deleted nobody has contacted me, which I find very interesting because I had 1600 friends on their, and I would say I met about 85% of them at some point in real life give or take, and it’s still as if I don’t exist, I am just a mirage of sorts to them. Facebook is a place that is meant as a social network and what’s interesting is a illusion of isolation. It’s a falsity of friendship and it’s cop out for people to not really have to go out of their way to see you in person. It’s sad.
I am burnt out defending myself everyday, explaining myself to people and still not always having people listen, still feel like I am in the same place I was year plus ago, just a bit wiser, not as chaotic and foggy.
I think people, including my parents think I enjoy feeling this way, I enjoy being tired, moving slow, feeling uncomfortable all the time, etc, but i don’t, far from it. I want to do everything I can to get out of it but I just feel lost so much and I say fuck. And tonight it would have been nice to call somebody but I don’t even know who to call anymore, because most of the time it’s like they can’t be bothered or most of the time don’t answer and don’t call back.