Searching for Answers

I was talking with a friend tonight who is working on overcoming her transition and they were talking about not knowing what direction to go into and feeling lost with that and I understand this quite well.  It’s something I have struggled with for most of the last year and half plus.  I mean when you have something happen to you all of sudden and it’s your nature to search for answers and know the answer and understand, you begin to search and analyze everything.  I mean part of this is our nature as human beings and part of it is our drive and will that pushes us past challenges.

We always think these answers are on the outside and we stop trusting ourselves, the process, the universe and we think that we need to keep searching but in reality the answers our inside of ourselves and if we just let go and trust, and let go, everything begins to come into alignment.  It’s hard though, especially when you are in it, especially when you are in it 24 hours a day and feel like it will never end.  

I look at this for myself, and it’s like my whole trust mechanism, my whole decision mechanism got taken away from me, so I began use to searching for answers.  Part of this is not trusting the doctors and people who have treated me in the past and part of this was my nature and part of it not wanting to be in it anymore and kept me going.

I see myself most of my day for the last year and half has been me spinning my wheels, searching around, wanting to escape, lost in the fog, not able to think clearly, just snap my fingers and move through this.  You know trying to learn to be with it.  You know, questioning everything, questioning the process, not knowing when I will feel like myself again all the time, vibrant, healthy, happy and move on.  

Looking at everything, am I eating right, am I doing enough each day to move forward, am I doing enough to kill the bug, am I detoxing enough, I mean it’s something a lot of people with Lyme and other challenges that they are moving through, seem to do, look at everything, because it feels so constant.  I mean I see this so much, we lose faith in the process, we lose faith in our intuition and our decision making and our essence of being.  

We all wish we knew the perfect answer to everything but that’s not life, that’s not how the process of life works, for anybody.  People meditate, people journal, people pray, to be guided on the path to the answers they seek.  I do all of that, every night.  I have learned to try to be with it, and trust it and have faith in the process and know that there are bigger things ahead.

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