For the past year and half, and really up until recently, I have felt like I have not experienced life. Like I have been frozen in time in this vortex of sorts, moving through a transition, reshaping myself, rebuilding myself. It’s not a fun feeling, and honestly created so much anxiety for me for so long, the feeling that you are dragging your body around and not experiencing anything you are doing. Or, when you feel you are, feeling like it’s a fake illusion because you have not reached that place where you are fully through this, that place where you feel fully alive again all the time and part of the world and fully experiencing life.
When people would meet me through this shift, especially during the rough parts in the first 6 months or so of it, I always talk about how you have never really met who I am and this feeling I am not fully here. All of this has gotten better but I am not there yet. I still meet people and know that I am not at that point all the time where I have fully evolved to who I am, who I will be when I fully move through this.
So, it’s a very weird feeling at times knowing that and feeling so one way one minute and so another way another, knowing that I am balancing out. Knowing that one day I will really meet everybody that I have met through this shift. I know I am getting there, it’s just about patience and to keep going, keep moving through, keep evolving, keep taking care of myself, keep trusting the path and keep coming with the clarity and soon I will feel crystal clear and alive again all the time.