It’s a weird feeling, when you are so used to not feeling like you are here, not feeling like you can make clear decisions, not feeling like you are experiencing things, consciously making actions and then all of sudden at moments, times you can do these things. It’s a very strange feeling, it actually gives you anxiety and makes you feel like what “normal” is supposed to be, is not “normal”. It’s really what I have been dealing with for the past year and half plus. So much so, that the times I have felt better or not so speedy, and here, etc, felt so unfamiliar and off still, that it still created anxiety and this feeling of “unnormal”.
It’s a very strange feeling when you are so used to dragging your body around and through this fog and then having times when you don’t feel that way and not knowing if it will stay or will go back. It makes this perception of the world and time very strange, very odd and makes you feel, myself feel trapped in this vortex of sorts pushing through in and out back to this place of balance.
I mean I do understand it now. I understand the cycles, the ebbs and flows, what happens within myself, my body, as I move through this. I really do get it, not that it’s been a fun experience, but it’s definitely been a growing experience. It’s been an intense experience. An unfamiliar experience and I feel finally, finally after a year and half, I am slowly coming into my own again.