That’s all I can do, that’s all we can do. I can just keep moving forward, be patient and know one day everything will align and balance itself. I think for a long long time I felt like I was never moving forward, I was caught up in the circle game, the cycle game, the cyclic nature of this transition, this chaos, this horrible dream. I felt like I was in so much a routine of chaos, that that was always how I felt my day would go, always and it would never end.
It’s funny, that you become so used to it, that when it does end at points or moves forward, even if it’s just a little bit, it’s strange to you, because you are truly not used to it. I can feel my body, my muscle memory just remembering these things, constantly remembering these things, feeling these things, but slowly inching away from these things, and moving past this and escaping the bubble, the circle and going outside of it and permanently feeling outside of it and being outside of it.
I think for myself, what’s so hard about this past year and half, is this feeling that I am not really moving forward, that I feel trapped in it all the time, the constant fog as I have called it, the constant chaos I have mentioned, the constant protection mode in a sense. The constant feeling that I am not really experiencing life and that my life is at a standstill. You know that feeling that you don’t know if you are getting better and feel stuck or like you are getting worse. Caught up in the circle and always trying to leave it.
I also think for a long long time and even still at times, definitely, I just kept myself in protection mode and it was hard for me to really move my life forward, myself forward because I just felt trapped and felt in this constant state of chaos. Obsessed with it, cherishing the moments that I actually felt calm and clear, not necessarily in a place at the time moving forward with my life doing things, etc, but just cherishing it, cherishing the moment fully.
It’s like the metaphor I have mentioned, you are driving a car across the country and you can only go a mile at a time, so it’s just always remembering that, as long as you keep moving forward, no matter how slow or fast it is, you are making progress. I am making progress.