I was thinking about this tonight. Why I am so sensitive to everything around me, why I seem to get upset or triggered still at times, by people, or more specifically friends or family and one aspect comes from directly how I feel of course but also the fact that even though people have mentioned care in some shape or form, I feel in this year and half and almost even more to do this day, the care has been slight or dwindled, almost like I haven’t been listened to or heard.
So when things still happen, that affect me or affect my sensitivity, etc I think its’ build up of this, this disrespect and none awareness of not helping my cause or my situation. I just remember when I felt at my worst in Seattle and this aspect of feeling stuck in it in this circle had a lot to do with this kind of obliviousness towards what I was going through.
I mean time and time again I have had to defend myself or explain myself the past year and half and of course I would get frustrated by nature by this or upset. It’s like I am trying my best everyday to move my life forward, to feel awesome all the time and you want me to but don’t show the sympathy and compassion I ask and deserve.
I have definitely let go of the old friends aspect of this because I have totally moved on from that and they don’t affect me anymore. I literally hear from one person on a regular basis that I knew when I lived in L.A. One and that man has such a high sense of integrity and loyalty that pretty much nobody can compare to it. He’s a good friend. Other then that, nobody, really nobody.
I also think that I never really feel alone or have privacy and this feeling like I have something always inside me that’s not wanted, and in a sense, I do. So when you are already bombarded with this and then have other people or my family putting obstacles or barriers or saying something or this or that, all of this frustration and anger I think comes out because a lot of time I already feel trapped and you are not helping that and in many ways helping me feel more trapped.
So in essence each day, I have to go through it with a lot of patience, not just with how I feel and moving forward from that but patience with the occurrences that happen each day or comments or things said from my family, etc.
Release the anger, release the frustration and strengthen my peace of mind and continue to have faith.