For the past year and half plus, I have done everything and anything I can to move my life forward and get back to balance. Most of the time, it’s been very difficult for me to do this and for a long time I learned to let go of it and just ride the wave to getting better and focusing on my health. But the moments I have had, where I felt I was turning a corner or not in crazy survival mode and a moment where I actually can think straight for a minute and maybe do more, I have tried to move my life forward because in retrospect I always have felt it would help me move through this heal, and it was supposed to be happening.
And it’s challenging, I am still struggling, to be honest with you, with myself, with what I am going through a year and half later and still really, my health and getting back to feeling great all the time and clear headed and focused, vibrant and energized and symptom free is my number one priority.
Everyday I want to move my life forward but still when I do stuff, or be social or anything, I question about doing to much when I still feel this way and I am just making myself worse and should I just crawl in a cave and work on feeling great all the time first. It’s this back and forth circle game that I feel I have been in.
Trust me, I don’t like totally being supported by my family still after a year and half but the realization is yes that’s where I am still at.
And what happens is, I am in the house all the day a lot, and I am not as tired as I was and I want to go out and then I will feel a certain way after doing that and feel, what am I doing, I could have just stayed home. It’s this tricky balance.
So, I know we don’t know the answers and I know I am still working on this and struggling with where I am at and when I feel still not the greatest at moments or times, I don’t want to do anything else and I go into mode that I need to just be working on my health and getting that regiment right and nothing else since I still feel I have not made leaps and bounds, like I should.
I am slowly getting involved in this raw chocolate company and this is where a lot of fear comes in. Not just how I feel still and knowing that I am still dealing with my health stuff but also it makes me anxious from past experiences. For years, I would get involved in films, entrepreneurial projects, etc and spend countless hours of my time with them not going anywhere because of team mates who did not want to move it forward. The one thing about me, if I do something, I really do it and want the greatest of it and want to move it forward and not lollygag around, which also makes it hard knowing how I feel.
So it’s still a challenge, how I feel is still a challenge and wanting to move my life forward and striving to always move my life forward is a challenge. You know people would ask me what I would do with my day, it’s pretty shitty question in retrospect but the reality is it’s still challenging for me to do everything I want to with each day knowing and feeling the way I feel.
The one thing I have to remember is to not be hard myself about it because that doesn’t solve anything and I need to just work on still trusting the universe.
I think it’s tough because I still see the bugs dictating my day but one day I will always dictate my day.
And each day I try to make it a fresh start and start new and this day I will do this and that and move forward and do the things I need to do and then it just a lot of times feels the day flies by.
It’s the fear, the challenge of always want to strive forward but knowing I still feel this way and not wanting to do things that make me feel worse and feeling that my energy should be focused on my health.
It’s interesting, I am always working on articulating my thoughts on these blogs posts or when I explain my situation or myself and I always feel I don’t fully express things the way I want to but I guess it comes out the way it does and it’s all moving ahead and moving forward.