When an individual has Lyme Disease, they usually have an array of symptoms, sometimes the symptom list can be endless. When you begin to get rid of symptoms and start moving forward, you sometimes will see other symptoms pop up. It’s like it’s endless. It’s like this continual shedding of layers. I equivocate this to life and steps and lessons. As you slowly move forward, or quickly move forward, you create steps and reach steps that move you forward. You also learn lessons.
So, when people ask, how will I know when I am better, or I have asked myself this question, you will know, I will know, it’s when all these steps are done and the lessons have learned and more specifically from a physical tangible standpoint, when all my symptoms are gone.
So what are these steps/lessons, at least looking at in my situation. I look at it as follows:
Don’t react, Don’t get made, and don’t let things affect your day:
This is a huge step for me, probably the biggest. For the last year and half, this has been mostly a constant. Afraid of moving my life forward, afraid of doing to much because I would feel worse. I mean I was always in hyper mode or at times still am and would react to situations and let it affect me in a extreme way. I am not saying don’t have feelings towards something, but I am talking in an extreme way.
So I first look at it with my parents, my family, who I live with. Until I can handle being around them all the time, not reacting, not having them affect me tremendously, have a flow with them, I can’t handle living in the outside world.
So step one, learn how to let go of the reactions of others, right now in a small sense and move through without fearing and reacting and then as I conquer that then can flow and conquer the rest of the world.
Steps to moving my life forward:
I feel a big part of somebody’s progress, specifically myself, is doing more to move your life forward, and moving away from Lyme, having to do so much for your health, etc. More of a flow.
For me, moving my life forward is making steps towards being able to be “independent” again, moving out of my parents house, making a living and doing this while still maintaining my health and thriving.
My first step, with film, because I am a filmmaker and writer, is finishing a script, a TV pilot, until I can finish that, I am not going to work on E-book and then work on making a film, even a short film.
On top of this it’s becoming financially independent and being able to take care of myself more and more. It’s me being able to run errands easily and do things that an independent individual does.
Step 3: Always feeling in the world, present, aware and able to clearly make decisions and aware of everything I do:
This is a big step. To be honest, I have still not felt this every moment of the day all day. It’s a million times better then it used to be, but it’s still not quite there. So it’s baby steps, it’s the little things, it’s things like doing 2 things when I go out instead of one, or being able to talk to somebody at a restaurant or wherever instead of stay in my shell and be clear and able to do that. Steps.
Step 4: Thriving not Surviving:
A lot of individuals with Lyme talk about being in survival mode each day, which I relate to quite well. For a long time, and still at points, you live in this survival mode day by day, not ever feeling like you are moving your life forward, just making sure you survive the day. This was my life for so long.
So, step 4, thriving not surviving, moving towards each day this essence of thriving and not in survival protection mode.
Step 5: Releasing all the Fear:
The is a big one. I have lived my life in such a routine this last year and half. In such a protection mode, in such a bubble, in such a place of feeling oblivious because not just because of how I feel but also because of fear. I mean I would drive to L.A. and talk about staying longer to write or something but because I always felt so uncomfortable and in chaos I just would go straight home. So much of this was how I felt but also fear.
So steps forward, is me releasing this fear, and trusting the universe and allowing myself to do more a little bit more all the time and not be afraid of everything and anything I do.
Step 5, moving through and releasing the fear.
Step 6: When I feel always part of the world again, in my body and connected:
This is probably the biggest step and one of the biggest challenge and a challenge that has created so much fear, afraid of doing new things or anything out of the ordinary or anything that made me have to move my body a certain way or anything that had a possibility of creating a worse situation or me feeling worse.
I guess the way I would explain this the best is me having had to adapt to feeling this way and living my life this way and then again having to readapt to the outside world. I look at the show Rectify, which I wrote a blog post about probably a little over a year ago when I was living in Seattle.
Rectify is a show a about a man who was put in prison when he was young and the effects it has on him and how he tries to adapt to the world years later. I mean there is the physical aspect of my experience but even more so the extreme mental and psychological and spiritual shift and transition of my experience, and just never experiencing almost everything I went through this past year and half and never feeling a part of the world.
So for me, it’s steps feeling more in the world. Being able to do a bit more each day, being part of the world the whole day. In the right flow throughout the day. Not part of the cycle. Just me feeling comfortable and able to do a little bit more each day and most of all my life, who I am who I am forming coming back to me, until it’s all connected again.
My blog has been used for me to do my best not just for healing but understanding my life and what I have gone through and always working on putting this experience into words. It’s a journey of great magnitude that I have definitely been through. I mean I don’t even think most people or almost anybody knows the extent of what I have gone through or how I have felt and this feeling of not being part of the world for so long and then being part of it again all of sudden and having your life back, it’s a beautiful thing and a very intense thing and this feeling like you haven’t seen anybody or done anything in years because you weren’t ever feeling it or experiencing it.
So my steps, my lessons towards feeling alive all the time again and symptom free.