I don’t always write two blog posts in a day but sometimes I am compelled to do so and today is one of those days.
This past weekend, which is now over, was fairly typical of the weekends I usually have, but it was kind of untypical in a sense and in some ways it was rough and very very vulnerable.
Why was it rough? Why did I feel more vulnerable then I normally do, I always feel very vulnerable in general.
Well, it’s because I am becoming more and more aware of what I am going through and more and more aware that I still don’t feel the way I know I am supposed to feel and just feel off and still have that feeling of partially not wanting to deal with the world or do things because I feel so overwhelmed and vulnerable but also that dream, disconnected feeling that I felt at first over a year and half ago, is still very present. And when I still feel it and when I become very aware of it, like I did this weekend, because my other symptoms that I feel a lot or some of my chaos, for extreme fogginess goes away and this becomes clear, it’s a very unsettling feeling and makes me want to go back and hide a lot of the time and be conservative and not do much, like I did for so long.
And feeling like I did this weekend was challenging because in many ways I did feel better, wanted to maybe explore life a bit more then I ever do or have for a long time but it’s not settling feeling energized and clear enough to do that but still feeling so off and disconnected and unaware, which then makes me very vulnerable and triggers so much of the past for me.
It almost feels like a trick in a sense, when you are out of this survival mode for a day and you feel this way but still knowing you don’t feel like you should feel and also knowing that “bugs” or whatever you want to call them are still overtaken yourself and your body and not allowing you to be who you truly are. A friend of mine reminded me of this that these feeling that I have, the way I feel mentally, the way I feel physically is not normal and not the way I am supposed to feel all the time. Reminding me that just to keep going knowing eventually the bugs just will be gone and it’s not about thinking this is normal and adapting to it, it’s knowing that this isn’t normal and this isn’t my life, so that all leads to this idea of preparation.
So what does this all have to do with preparation. Well, I look at marathon runners or athletes. They train hard and are very regimented in their routine and do nothing to stray away from that until they are fully prepared and then ready to run their face or play their game or match.
Dealing with something Lyme Disease, essentially you need to be the same way or dealing with anything traumatic you are working on moving through. I think what happens is, including for myself, you have moments when you feel a bit better, maybe close to 100% and you start thinking you are ready to move on from this and do more and live your life and maybe strive away from your normal routine, push the boundary. You become anxious and want to hard to move past this and move on but the reality is you are not looking at yourself. Looking at truly where you are still at.
So this process is really about preparation and staying regimented to that preparation like a marathon runner. And I know it’s challenging for myself included, to stay this way not just because of the way we feel mentally at times or having the energy to do this but also this push to not want to deal with this and just move past it and move on but it’s important. It’s important to do this so you can move past it. So I can move past this.
It’s preparing yourself for the world again and taking the steps necessary to know you are ready. Like in a rehearsal if you don’t your lines, how you can you perform a show. It’s why smart Lyme Literate doctors will keep individuals on medications for 3 months after they are symptom free.
For the past year and half plus or so, I think for so long I did things because I always felt I was ready to and tried to live my life, etc and their was not harm in it, it was part of the process but the reality is I wasn’t ready yet and just needed to continue to be patient and be prepared, no matter how anxious I get or ready to move on, etc. I know it’s easier said then done, but it’s true.
You know it’s been almost 2 years and I am more then ready then anybody to move past this and feel awesome from the moment I wake up to the moment I go to bed, everyday, living the life I want to live.
So it’s about taking charge, knowing to let go of control to the universe, and preparing and preparing and healing and getting myself ready for the outside world and then doing all these things, and not pushing a step or setting things back.
And it’s checking in with myself, really checking with myself all the time before doing things and listening my body, my mind and my soul and bringing the right things into my life to feel that feeling all the time, that connection all the time, that balance.