I have to say I know I am starting to really heal because the intensity of the emotions, everything I have been through, the natural feelings of avoidance, protection, fear, guilts, etc are coming up and I am starting to now release them and combat them. I would equivocate to a drug user going through rehab and letting go of an addiction. It’s kind of that intense.
The thing is I knew it was eventually coming for me to fully heal. No matter how much I pushed dealing with life to the side because I had to and the intensity of life to side, I knew to fully heal eventually I would have to feel all the crap I went through the last two years, and ultimately release the guilt.
So what is releasing the guilt mean for myself? Well, Lyme Disease fucks with you, in the sense, at least for myself, it makes you feel weird, or guilty almost from doing anything that seems to be normal living your life because you begin to not trust yourself. Ultimately because you are so used to feeling so strange to the world, and so in protection mode, it makes it seem like everything you do is strange and on top of that the way you feel mentally, makes you not trust yourself.
Now for myself on top of this, I am somebody that is by nature very ambitious and not only am I always striving to feel great and balanced health wise. I am also striving to get my life going as well and do things I want to be doing to get my life going, write my book, etc.
So, tonight is Halloween, and most people go out on Halloween. I used to always go out on Halloween. I always enjoyed going out on Halloween and going out to parities, etc. So tonight, I actually didn’t feel that bad tonight, I probably could have gone out, but what happens now when I feel that way or want to go out maybe, because I have been feeling better in many ways, I don’t want to, or almost feel this guilt in a sense, or maybe guilt isn’t the right word, and don’t want to go out. Because the moments I feel better, because I am so used to it not being consistent, and still moving my life forward, I feel I should spend that energy on moving my life forward when I can, write a book, etc, and focus on healing.
For the last two years, you know I feel this, you feel this because you know you still don’t feel 100% all the time, you still know you are affected and at the same time want to move your life forward when you feel able too. It makes difficult for you to enjoy things at times, even when you feel better, because you know you could be doing more to move forward. Maybe that’s more extreme for myself, because I am so ambitious and so driven but it’s also the way you feel and the need to want to escape it.
So when I do do things, that seem normal, or feel normal, because of how strange you feel or I feel, it almost makes you feel guilty or weird doing that because it feels like your not really doing it or you feel you could be doing something else.
Is it healthy? I would say yes and no. Yes, in the fact that it helps me drive forward and push towards my goals, no, in a sense that you should not feel guilty of things you do.
Ultimately, it’s about me releasing any guilt and just ultimately learning how to always be present in my decision and everything I do, back to the idea of intention, the idea of Karma and trusting the universe and learning to just be.
But it is challenging, it’s very challenging because when you just feel so strange all the time, you just want to release that first and get out of that and it just makes you in a sense be hyper aware I guess of everything you do.
I release the guilt, and just enjoy and be in everything I do and know it’s right in moving me forward.