Relinquishing The Past

At the end of the day, that’s a lot of what these last two years have come to, relinquishing the past and moving on from all of this.  I make strides and I flow forward and then it seems on certain days when I become aware in a sense that I am back to square one and all of these memories and feelings of the past come towards me and kind of hit me in a day.

The last two years I became used to living my life a certain way, pretty much 24 hours a day and my body and mind adapted to that.  So even the moments I said I was feeling better, etc, in many ways I was just in a state oblivious in a sense to what’s going on or ultra protection mode not able to deal with this idea of feeling something.

But then this reality of the last two years hit and I look at were I am still at and it can be very disheartening, it can be scary and also intense knowing everything I went through the last two years.  I so often just try to not have to deal with it or do everything I can to move through it and live my life but it so affects me and though I know I have improved a great deal, I know I am still effected by this bacteria, etc pretty much 24 hours a day and when the chaos stops or the reality sets in, I then feel the last two years and I am not so oblivious to everything.

I have adapted but the reality is I don’t want to feel this way ever and I don’t want the same shit coming up, that I know is the same from the past, or the same feelings and cycling in my body.

You know you do all these things for it all to shift and it’s a bit of a waiting game so often it feels and it’s not something you can just ignore, I mean I am oblivious to it a lot but even then it’s still very much there and very much affects my being.  On top of this, just used to being in that protection mode and feeling everything I went through the last two years that I never really felt that I kind of push to the side a lot or just plain out was extremely oblivious too and it’s something that nobody will fully understand, including myself and even more realize what I went through.

So today, when I got blood work drawn and I felt out of it afterwards or even before and was very aware of that, the circulatory like symptoms that affect me and affect my blood, it’s still scary, I have learned to become used to it but it’s not normal and seeing that 2 years later, these physical things are really still happening, and I was so often in this protection oblivious mode not wanting them to happen and just really protecting myself everyday I can to not feel worse and just I guess so used to these things that aren’t normal happening to me every single day.

I mean I do everything I can to not only move my life forward but become symptom free and not feel this way ever anymore and not feel worse and only get better.  I do everything I can to let go of the past and let go of how bad I mean bad I felt and know I am healing from it all and never having it happen again.  I do everything I can to break free and become symptom free and feel the way I should feel all the time and live the life I want to be living.

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3 Responses to Relinquishing The Past

  1. Before I was diagnosed with Lyme, I had a traumatic event with my health that involved having a procedure done to my heart, and resulted in an ICD – a pacemaker with a defibrillator built in.

    I share this because during that time, I kept trying to keep living and to keep moving forward, but I just couldn’t. I was eventually in need of a little help from a therapist, and we discussed PTSD. But, one of the things that helped so much was that the therapist said that the key to moving forward is allowing yourself to feel how significant the event was. Let yourself process your fear, anger, etc., but then allow yourself to take a mental break from thinking about it. When it comes up in your mind again, let yourself think about it and process it, but then mental break again.

    Not saying you have PTSD, but maybe giving yourself the time to reflect, but then putting it away for a bit would help you process and move forward.

    I have always felt that I relate to so many things in your posts, and this post reminded me of my own experience with processing past health issues…

    • jasonb1382 says:

      Thank you for that comment and I agree with you. I think anybody who goes through any type of trauma, illness, conflict, has some form of PTSD afterwards, it’s kind of the nature of the beast.

      I definitely do feel it and try to let go and then feel it more and try to let it go. This is part of why I blog and most of all why I am writing my book to really let it out and then just release it all.

      I am now at 46,000 words on the book :).

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