At the end of the day, that’s a lot of what these last two years have come to, relinquishing the past and moving on from all of this. I make strides and I flow forward and then it seems on certain days when I become aware in a sense that I am back to square one and all of these memories and feelings of the past come towards me and kind of hit me in a day.
The last two years I became used to living my life a certain way, pretty much 24 hours a day and my body and mind adapted to that. So even the moments I said I was feeling better, etc, in many ways I was just in a state oblivious in a sense to what’s going on or ultra protection mode not able to deal with this idea of feeling something.
But then this reality of the last two years hit and I look at were I am still at and it can be very disheartening, it can be scary and also intense knowing everything I went through the last two years. I so often just try to not have to deal with it or do everything I can to move through it and live my life but it so affects me and though I know I have improved a great deal, I know I am still effected by this bacteria, etc pretty much 24 hours a day and when the chaos stops or the reality sets in, I then feel the last two years and I am not so oblivious to everything.
I have adapted but the reality is I don’t want to feel this way ever and I don’t want the same shit coming up, that I know is the same from the past, or the same feelings and cycling in my body.
You know you do all these things for it all to shift and it’s a bit of a waiting game so often it feels and it’s not something you can just ignore, I mean I am oblivious to it a lot but even then it’s still very much there and very much affects my being. On top of this, just used to being in that protection mode and feeling everything I went through the last two years that I never really felt that I kind of push to the side a lot or just plain out was extremely oblivious too and it’s something that nobody will fully understand, including myself and even more realize what I went through.
So today, when I got blood work drawn and I felt out of it afterwards or even before and was very aware of that, the circulatory like symptoms that affect me and affect my blood, it’s still scary, I have learned to become used to it but it’s not normal and seeing that 2 years later, these physical things are really still happening, and I was so often in this protection oblivious mode not wanting them to happen and just really protecting myself everyday I can to not feel worse and just I guess so used to these things that aren’t normal happening to me every single day.
I mean I do everything I can to not only move my life forward but become symptom free and not feel this way ever anymore and not feel worse and only get better. I do everything I can to let go of the past and let go of how bad I mean bad I felt and know I am healing from it all and never having it happen again. I do everything I can to break free and become symptom free and feel the way I should feel all the time and live the life I want to be living.