I remember one of my first blog entries was about a story of a man who had to go through this hard path or journey to try to get to his goal. He went through so many challenges and his goal seemed so far away that he never knew if he would ever get there.
It was a premonition of things to come.
For over two years I have been used to living my life in a protection mode, doing everything in chaos and fog and not being present or aware. Moving through worrying or concerned or checking in with myself making sure I didn’t just do something to make me feel worse or make a bad decision because I did not trust my body, my mind and my surroundings. This is how I have been living my life, not part of the world, in a shell leached with bacteria and everything I seemed to do was just on faith and dragging my body around, not decisions that were clear, just kind of the universe bringing me some place or mostly me just making sure I eat or lay down or just be away from any place that might hurt me or feel worse.
Also having to let go and protect myself from the challenges of the day and the chaos of the day that seemed to just be created constantly. In my ultra awareness at times, almost makes things more difficult to be this aware.
So essentially my whole day would be based around this protection mode I was in to not feel worse and just make sure I got through the day not doing anything to harm myself, not able to just be.
Every once in awhile though, things calm down a bit and this realization comes in of where I am and how I have been living my life, protecting myself from the outside world because I did not trust myself or the world around me because of how I felt.
Everyday, symptoms aside, yet of course they correlate, I just spent it making sure to get through the day without feeling worse and just protecting myself, not doing more then I should or doing more things that can make me feel better.
This is how I would do everything and still a lot, moving around making sure I don’t accidentally do something hurt myself more, while trying to trust the universe.
Kind of on the terms of the cycle and riding that wave, while still making sure to not let the outside world effect me. Essentially not just waking up each day thinking I can do this and this and this and feel great.
So I work everyday or have been for two years getting out of this feeling and living my life as a human being clear headed in my body part of the world, healthy and happy.