For two years I have felt my life is not my own and in control of the bugs, the environment, etc. For two years, I have felt sheltered and in protection mode and all over the place and chaotic and don’t have the power to take my life back.
I have allowed the way I have felt to keep me in fear and not live my life and do things to move my life forward. Sure I have blogged and I am just about done with my book and done everything I can do to for self care and to try to move through this but I have not lived my life at all and been immersed such a place of fear and chaos of doing anything in the world I have kept myself in the Lyme world, sick world, protection mode, etc.
I have not trusted myself in the world and prevented myself of living my life because of fear of getting worse, making bad decisions, feeling so weird, constant chaos, etc.
Sure maybe I wasn’t ready at the time but my whole relationship to the world and myself and how I felt just vanished so my whole sense of feeling like I had a place in the world went away in every aspect.
I have felt for the last two years that I was crippled by the way I felt and not allowed myself to enjoy life and move through things and most of all take my life back.
Lyme Disease is nasty but what is almost more incapacitating is fear and fear of yourself and fear of everything you do and the world. It has left me immersed in my bubble not doing much, isolated for two years. There of course a good reason behind it but it is time for me to take my life back and not allow things to cripple me and prevent me from living my life and moving forward and moving beyond all of this.