I believe we get sick or deal with trauma because we never fully dealt with the past. When we do not fully deal with the past, it comes back tenfold so we can move through it and deal with it.
It is interesting, as I get further into my healing, become more aware, it actually becomes more intense and harder. Where as I kind of blindly just trying to get through the day and on this autopilot for so long feeling like I wasn’t really doing much to get better but felt stuck to do more. I was I guess in this place waiting for things to just change and shift, which isn’t impossible but you need to do work, move through stuff to deal with things and have things shift.
So, as things progress, I feel all these things from the past come up and realizations come up. One of the things that comes up is when I first started not feeling well. When I was in College, and got sick and had no idea what was going on.
During that time, I never knew what was going on. I just kind of moved through things without ever knowing and eventually life blended again. I never fully dealt with what was going on in College, one, I was young and wanted to just get my life going and two it just got pushed away without me realizing I needed to deal with something.
So years go by and what happened in college, came back, stronger and more powerful. It came back in many ways all of sudden. I mean it wasn’t all of sudden really, but it definitely felt like it because of how quick it happened.
It was time for me to deal with it and boy I did not know what I was in for.
So as I have been healing, as I have been dealing with things, it made me realize I never dealt with and how my life before was kind of a blur in many ways and I guess truly wasn’t me, the real me, who I am and I needed to go through this to deal with all of that and the past and move through things and let it all go.
As I deal more with the past, as I deal more with everything, the memories and feelings and events, etc. start coming up, which brought me to this realization.