For the past 3.5 years, every single day, I have worked on trying to escape the way I felt. Done everything I can to feel better and feel happy and healthy all the time and most of all be symptom free in every moment of the day and able to do anything and everything I want at any moment.
Through this cycle, it has had ebbs and flows. Times were all I could do is survive and try to not feel worse that day and get my grounding and times where I did feel a bit clearer or a bit better and I tried to do things to move my life forward or do more for my health. In those moments, even though I felt a bit clearer or a bit better, I still knew I didn’t feel right and didn’t feel how I wanted to feel so it was always challenging for me to want to do things to move my life forward or do anything besides something that would help my health. This was always a tricky balance.
As the cycle continued, I got to a point with it where I just kind of let the cycle dictate my day or what I did, because how I always seemed to feel. At first, this seemed to blanketed more with fear and chaos and emotional sensitivity and feeling like I might accidentally do something to hurt myself or over do it etc. As time went on, I actually got to a point where it seemed I was feeling better and actually able to go with the flow and manage what I wanted to do at moments and check in. I seemed to have some sense of control or some sense that I broke free a bit. I kept myself in this place of safety for a long time, not totally always being aware always why because my mind seemingly could not expand.
Recently, as I seemed to break the cycle, I started to figure out why I kind of kept myself in this certain flow and only did things that I might have done on a similar day or be controlled by it. I figured out or became more aware of the deeper rooted physical feelings I felt in my body, that were always there and hence why I seemingly was controlled by the cycle and the bugs and food.
Becoming aware of this, has both allowed me to be more clear and be more focused on my health and what I need to do to get to 100% but also made things more vulnerable, more uncomfortable and not have my comfort.
I feel like I have finally let go of the chaos, the drama, the fear and everything that was getting in my way from getting to where I need to be health wise and essentially cycling back through the way I want to be.