For the past almost four years, I have basically felt like I have been dragging my body around in an unawareness trying to get to that place of full healing and happiness. When my life shifted, I got to this place of total chaos and unawareness that never seem to let up. Part of this were the symptoms and part of this was a comfort and grounding mechanism I pretty much did not understand at the time. On top of this I was so sick and so uncomfortable. I pretty quickly received my lyme diagnosis and the journey really began. Since then, I have done all kinds of different treatments in this unawareness hard for me a lot of times to tell how much the treatments were helping or hurting because my symptoms seemed to always be the same and intensity and cycles seemed to always be the same and not change, even though there was a level of progression, it just seemed like there wasn’t because I never seemed to have a moment were I was completely symptom free and seemed to go through the same patterns and feelings, just being a bit more aware.
For a long time, the chaos, the cycle was my comfort. For a long time, I also was in this fear mode and was scattered and chaotic and my day seemed to involve more me just not having more chaos or drama in my life. Not reacting or getting angry at my family for saying stuff or the environment. The world and its’ affect on me seemed to play a bigger role on everything then the symptoms themselves, even though they both were symbiotic.
Through all this, I wrote a book, went on dates, socialized, etc. etc. knowing I really wasn’t better but I guess in some ways kind of adapted or just went through the rhythm of the Lyme Cycle. I also felt like I was experiencing anything and knew speeding through the day wasn’t how I wanted to live my life.
In February of this year, I seemed to start making head way and slowly seemed to be getting better or at least develop a comfort and flow. Though I knew I wasn’t 100% and in many ways the day still sped by, there was a comfort and flow with it all and felt I was in a place where I just needed to figure out the last pieces. Kind of the last hurdle, the last 15 or 20%.
Then, in mid June, everything seemed to shift and it was almost like my comfort, my flow, my cycle I would always go through was broken and symptoms seemed to get more intense then ever. I feel this was multi-faceted, one, from doing a lot of treatment, and probably to much at the time, but even more so, it had to happen to break the constant speeding through the day, unaware, chaos of everything to get to the root of it all and deal with things head on.
Since then, things have felt more intense then ever, though the calm the last month or so has seemed to let up to some extent. At the same time that things have been more intense then ever, the constant feeling not being aware of things and the day speeding by and never being able to catch up to myself, and the chaos has gone away. On top of that, I don’t react to the world or my environment like I used to and let that prevent me from getting better. It is not very much based on the root of it all, the actual symptoms, if I don’t do something, etc. I guess I understand it all more.
With things being so intense, I took a big step back with my treatments, etc. to be more methodical about my plan. At this point, I also was much more clear what I needed to do and not so scattered and didn’t feel as much I was throwing darts at the wall, a lot of this was because of the symptoms I felt feeling scattered, etc.
The plan I came up with I knew was going to get me to 100%. I know this plan isn’t going to be the easiest but I know this is what I need to do and honestly needed to get rid of the chaos and comfort that prevented me from getting to the root of it all and allowing me to be aware of the deeper things going on and deal with them, which is by far harder in so many ways then the past four years because though I wasn’t better, I had my own bubble, my own comfort and in many ways didn’t want to deal with the root of how I truly felt.
When you figure out the right formula, in my theory, it isn’t easy and you will herx intensely. It is hard and it sucks, but the pathogens are complex and our bodies are complex that it takes something aggressive to get rid of them. I feel I finally figured out the right formula and that’s why things got intense.
It is still challenging for me and things feel more intense then ever because my awareness is more intense then ever and still feels like I am dragging my body around in this disorientation waiting for everything to click and feel right again and feel part of the world all the time and able to do anything and everything I want to do and be happy and healthy and experiencing it fully but I do feel I finally have the right plan in place and don’t have the chaos, obliviousness other people’s reactions, fear of the world and doing what I need to do and most of all at not avoiding dealing with the root of everything and pushing it away and taking it head on, which is probably one of the hardest things of all.
What all of us want is to figure out what exactly we need to do to get to 100% and I feel I finally have figured that out and now it is about implementing it.
As mentioned, I know this plan is not going to be easy, but I firmly believe, truly finally believe that at this time next year, I will be by far symptom free, better then I have ever been in my life and doing everything I want to do.
Lyme Disease is hard, challenging and can take your whole life ahead of you and years could go by feeling like there is no escape but keep having faith and keep pushing and know through how hard it is might be and how hard treatments might be or the symptoms or dealing with everything, you will get to 100%, you just have to keep going and find out what’s right for you.
For myself, learning to truly let go of it all, to really have it all, has been one of the hardest things. I feel part of me not dealing with with everything, etc. was an element of me holding on to things to keep me going but the reality is I needed to finally let go of it all to beat this and have it all.