Lately, I have really been able to reflect back on the last almost four years. Reflect back more then I ever have. I am looking back at all the places I put my energy to that now I would never. All the decisions I made that were not my decisions or decisions I would of made and just overall a lot of time focused on places that were not myself, not my health and so scattered.
For Four years, you have to do something. You have to try to move forward. You have to try to do things to move your life forward you feel. Or fun things. You have to most of a ll try to do everything you can for your health.
It has been hard and emotional to be honest reflecting back on everything. Reflecting back on how much energy was put into all these places as years went by. It is I think also hard because I am still not symptom free yet and I still am affected. And it is also hard feeling as though time has stood still all this time.
I am not saying all of this to be hard on myself or hold onto the past. The past is the past. I am just saying this because I have been able to reflect and this is what I have been feeling. Sure, is a lot of it the disease and part of the process and the journey, definitely but it still makes it challenging, and have you feel a lot.
It is almost like you see the last four years and all that time that was spent not the way you want too and reflect on it.
I mean in the last few months I have been more focused, had much less chaos, more clarity, decisions that I want to be making and done more for my health and then I felt I did in all the time before that.
Have I learned from it all, yes. Am I healing and growing and evolving from it all, definitely, but it is still trying and challenging.
I wanted to add one more thing. So much of the last four years, and still it feels like it is this way, has felt like I just do things to do them and when I can do them depending on the cycle. Do things without really me making the decision but the energy taking me there. This has ultimately been a reflection on life and what life is and what is it that I want, we want out of life.