I knew eventually I would have to some way, some how have to deal with the past. I knew eventually I would get to a point in this journey, this experience where I did not feel like I was dragging my body around, I did not feel like I wasn’t not living and experiencing things, not feeling like everyday is a blur that doesn’t exist.
Well, I feel I am closer to that point more then ever, and what makes it so hard, so challenging is the fact that it feels like the last four years doesn’t exist, or didn’t exist. Of course it did exist. Of course the last four years did happen but it feels like it didn’t because of how I have felt and to extent in many ways it still does.
So, I have really been grieving the past and feeling the past and reflecting on the past. On so much time and energy that seemed to be placed not on my healing or doing things I wanted to do. So much time placed being angry, or frustrated or put in this place of fear. So much time that feels like it didn’t exist and an experience that I have to let go of. Grieving the past..