I Always Thought I Could

I always had said there was a fine line between me feeling 100% and flowing and not.  I have always been able to drive, however uncomfortable in may be.  I have always been able to get food.  I have always been able to do basic things, but it took awhile for me to be able to get to a point where I could do the things I needed to do to get to 100%.

Now reflecting back a lot, because I can, I always felt like something was just going to break and then a year went by and two years went by and three years went by and I continually felt I was just going to get better because I was able to do these other things.  Write a book, get food when I needed too, so on and so forth, but it never seemed too.  Even the times I seemingly felt better and was in a way oblivious, I really wasn’t better, but it never seemed I could articulate that.  I formed this kind of routine with everything, this cycle that seemed automatic, like I mind couldn’t break it.

Lately, I have been seeing how much energy was spent erratically or this way or that way and it isn’t easy and I have been quite emotional about it.  Seeing how much time was spent on everything but feeling better and moving forward.  But here is the thing, the reality was I couldn’t break it, I almost wasn’t ready to break it.

To my family, my parents they see the same routine that I have been going through for four years and to them it doesn’t seem like anything has changed except for maybe the fact that I do a bit more consistently.  I still wake up and eat like I always do, go on the computer like always do, go get food like always do, so on and so forth, the same routine.

This is also what I have struggled with.  Going through the same routines and cycles day in and day out makes it feel like nothing is breaking and  nothing is changing, even if it is.

So it hasn’t been an easy journey because time and life has always gone on but the way I feel seems to always be the same to one degree or another because this feeling and symptom has not really gone away.  Some days I can pinpoint things more and some days I am more oblivious to it but it has been unsettling and really until it fully breaks and made it feel like I am bound by it.

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