I feel like this part of the journey in its’ own way is the hardest part. I am not saying at my worst that wasn’t hard and I didn’t feel trapped, but this is hard in a different way.
It is like the culmination of the last four years coming at me all at once. It is like coming out my protective shell and being aware of everything and feeling everything, including the emotions and feelings. It is the hardest part of the journey, but the most rewarding.
This journey has seemed to last and last and last longer then I ever would have realized. I thought six months into it I would be back to 100%, a year into it, two years into it and so on and so forth. It came to a point where I let go more and more and got to a point where the only thing I have left is to heal and deal with it all.
Deal with all the years and time that seemed to be wasted energy trying to make decisions, or explaining myself or dealing with nonsense and so on and so forth. All the years that felt like they were lost that you can’t have back. All the years of patience and isolation. All the years of the waiting game.
Knowing so much now of what I didn’t know four years ago, has also been a challenge in itself. I mean there is a reason it took so long to figure all this out and do all the things I do now and make better decisions. But it is has been hard, and does feel like time is lost.
I always have to remember though, the bigger the challenge, the bigger the reward.