I posted this on my Facebook yesterday and is my best way of trying to sum up the last four years and everything I have been striving towards. Everything I have been working towards and why I blog:
We all have pasts. We all have things we have ben through. Some good things, some bad things, and some things we hold onto.
I never post about everything I have dealt with and everything I have gone through on Facebook, or very little, though I have a blog, creatingreality1.wordpress.com But I guess today is the day…
Since I moved back down to Southern California about 3.5 years ago, I have been trying to find that day, that moment, where Los Angeles, my life, the world feels right again. Everything I have done in the last four years has not felt right. I have made every mistake, poor decision you can think of. I have had every weird strange feeling or symptom you can think and my life has been in a dejavu time warp for the past four years and the life I had in Los Angeles, feels like yesterday because of this vortex, but also feels so far away.
I would continually think that after a month, or six months or a year, things would feel right again and everything I went through would be gone and I would have started over, but a year would go by and two years would go by and three and now four. Waking up to the same rhythms, the same cyclic routine everyday. Feeling like nothing you do is you and what exists doesn’t ever feel right or feel real. Making everything you do unpredictable and unplanned and feeling like every decision you make is not your own and everything you do is just biding time until it does feel right again and you break free and start over. Feeling like you are making decisions and doing things just to do them but never feeling them or wondering why you are doing them. This is my last four years. So for the most part I kept myself in a shell because I knew the person I am, was not truly the person I am.
I have tried to articulate my experience the last four years, for myself and others, and somehow the timing never seemed right to express it or let it all go, what I have been through. For the past four years, I have never felt human in anything I do. Normal things that we take for granted, like waking up and orienting normally, or driving around or walking through a grocery store, have not felt normal. You should not have to force yourself to ground, or force yourself to figure out your awareness or what you just did, and if you feel something, you should feel it, not feel like you are never experiencing it. You should not be used to these types of things. Most of all, you should not be everyday, waiting for that moment, that second where you do break free and everything does feel right and everything clicks again. It has been a will of patience and feeling like everything I went through never existed. Four years never existed. And all that matters, no matter who you meet at the end of the day, what you do that day, where you go, is having that day where you break free and actually feel the whole day again and feel clear and alive and comfortable and part of the world in every moment. When I have become more clear and aware, you almost don’t even realize everything you went through and what you have gone through, as you never really experienced any of it and at the same time experienced all of it.
I have wanted to sit high above Los Angeles, the place that has seemed so far away to me for four years, the world that has seemed so far away from me and let go of everything I have gone through and make it disappear onto the universe and truly start over.
For whatever reason, mostly because it did not enter by foggy mind and because of how I felt, I haven’t done this. Maybe the timing wasn’t right yet, or really wasn’t there yet. Or just the fact that nothing ever felt right to me, so doing “normal” things that were out of my usual routine or what my mind knew that day, didn’t feel right. Like I have had to reprogram my new existence, my new mind and like almost rebuild my whole human self again.
Well today I went to Los Angeles, and normally, when I go here for a Chiro appointment I have been going to for over three years, I pretty much get food and go right home, but today was different, so I drove to the top of Mt. Washington and I sat there and closed my eyes and released and let go of everything I went through the last four years. Everything that has felt like it has held me back. The struggles, the chaos, the uncomfortable feelings, everything that was never me, as days and months and years went by knowing it wasn’t me, but trying to feel normal.
And so I decided, no matter how much I still don’t quite feel like I should, in the overall picture I finally am not so trapped, and Los Angeles, the world, my new self, doesn’t feel as far away.
And so begins, a new journey, my new self, and the shell is finally breaking, which is both scary for me to say, because in moments I have felt better or good, or able to be out all day, it still never right or blurred, and right for me to say finally.