The last four years has been challenging. Extremely challenging. Unsettling and feels like it hasn’t existed. And there are a lot of frustrations that have come from the last four years, but I would say one of the most frustrating things is never feeling the world and feeling like I should.
Everyday, I would do stuff, like work, every once in awhile go do something social, get food, so on and so forth, but everything I would do just never felt right. I just got used to it and rode the wave of the day.
It is one of the most trying things going through days, months, years, just waiting and waiting and waiting for everything to click again. Everything you say, everything you do to feel right. Like it is truly you and you don’t feel odd or strange or not like yourself. Don’t feel disoriented all the time, or can’t plan a single thing or feel like the way you feel mentally one day is vastly different then a week ago. Waking up everyday to the same feelings and feeling like that feeling is still there.
You put everything on hold because of this. Because nothing you do seems to feel right or feel like yourself, even when you are not tired.
For awhile, I knew I wasn’t better, but I just developed a flow with it all and the day would speed by and my world was small and it was almost like I didn’t know any better and got used to it. Most of the time, I would just lay on the couch or go with this flow because I was afraid to break it.
I would always some how get through the day. I would always deal with what I felt, but I never felt right.
But what’s actually truly most frustrating or challenging is that all these people I have met this last four years, all these people I know. All these conversations, relationships I have had the last four years. All these experiences. All these things I have done, has been like biding time and this waiting game that the hope that one day everything will make sense again. The hope that all these people will truly meet the person I am and I let go of time that feels like I didn’t exist.
I hold onto that. I hold onto that faith that everything will make sense again soon. That everything will feel right and I will get to be who I am in every moment. After four years, of not, it wears on you.
Onto this feeling and all these pieces I have collected for me to break free and do everything. Everything I want, as me, fully alive and not like I am just biding time or doing things to do them.