At the point of the chaos, we don’t think we are finding the change. At the point of the chaos, all we see is negative. All we see is constant disarray. For myself, the one word I feel that can describe the last four years the best is, chaos.
The times I seemingly felt better an did more, it seemed there was always more chaos. The times I didn’t felt great, there seemed to be chaos. Chaos seemed to be the being of my existence for the last four years. I felt I never could escape it and almost became used to it. Became used to the chaos, the fear the suffocating box I felt I was in.
Yesterday I had a pretty decent day and the chaos that seemed to always be there seemed to be much much more mild and things seemed to flow. By the time night came I went to get food and in the matter of minutes, something fell out of my car and had to call a tow truck and I dropped my phone on the ground and cracked the screen.
I have had a lot of chaos happen the last few years and it always seemed to happen the more I did or when I felt better and did more, and yesterday in some ways was no different but there was a difference. Like yesterday I didn’t get all chaotic and freaked out dealing with this like I used too but even more then that, in this strange way, that these two things happening last night, that though I would consider chaos, felt like a shift of sorts. A shift in the direction of me breaking free and total healing.
It is like one of those things when you see somebody break a glass or cut themselves or get in a minor accident and at the time seems like something really bad but in the reality could be something really good happening in the bigger picture.
So, with chaos brings change.