I don’t blog as much as I used too. I used to blog almost on a daily basis, as it was part of my routine, part of my cycle, part of my healing, part of what I dragged my body to do. I was constantly just putting together or trying to put together the pieces and parts of my life.
For the past 4.5 years I feel I have led a double life in many ways. The person I was forming, the person always trying to forget how off I might feel or at the mercy of the bugs and the person who had a constant chaos and feeling that didn’t feel right inside of them. A feeling that everything they were doing didn’t feel right and was not them. A feeling that I was waiting for one day to wake up and break. A feeling that everything I was doing was not me and I was playing out the motions waiting to break free and getting to that point where everything I did, everything I felt, everything that was happening was truly coming from me and felt good and I felt connected and whole. Like my mind and body felt one thing but my actions came out a whole other way.
A lot of this blog, I would actually say most of this blog came from a place of just playing out the motions and not a place of me necessarily. I would say that explains a lot of the last 4.5 years, in all honesty. Playing out the motions of things waiting to break free and not have to worry or deal with this and anymore and feel like I am at the mercy of it all.
I learned for the past 4.5 years to almost numb myself and ignore what was always going on inside of me, and now I don’t really anymore, which is good and healing but also vulnerable.
I have been pretty emotional this week, not because of necessarily just my symptoms or how I have felt but because this week I have really felt the past four and half years, four and half years that has felt like it is lost, four and half years that feels like it never existed. I have felt this to some extent before. I would drag my body around and then all of sudden boom I would be like why did I do what I did or feel the past days or moments or hours of what I didn’t experience and then get a grip on things. And when I was kind of oblivious, I would feel it more in the moment of trying to grab a thought and then it would come to me, but in many ways this was different.
This was different, not because I do still feel my symptoms and am not quite symptom free and where I want be, which is still hard and vulnerable and keeps me searching still, but because I am now 35 and when I started this blog I was 31 and had just moved from Los Angeles to Seattle, not knowing what was going on, and this blog was the beginning of my Lyme Journey. I never thought it would have taken this long to get to this point and I am still dealing with things to some extent. Awkwardly moving my body around and dragging around on a daily basis just always trying to get through the day, not ever really living but just trying to get through the day or when I felt more number to things and more happy or positive, allowing the chaos and anxiety to drag me through the day. It is definitely not been the way somebody should live their life, let alone four and half years of their life. It isn’t normal, but you get used to it.
But, this waking up I guess was different in the sense that I feel the constant dragging around disorientation isn’t as strong and that I can get more of grip on my decisions and things I do, and it has been quite emotional. Especially emotional in the sense of everything with my family, whom I have lived with for over 3.5 years, almost four, and all the fights, and heartache and anger and frustration. Essentially just ignoring or dealing with how I have felt, waiting for the hopes that one day I would not have to worry about that anymore and not get upset or have them get frustrated and actually be with them again.
It is interesting, over four and half years ago, right before things shifted, it was almost like I sensed this coming, this premonition that, my life was about to change and I was almost going to miss my parents, and I called them up with all of this anxiety, which I am sure was the beginning of my symptoms, but I almost felt it was more premonition.
And for the past four and half years, even though I lived with my parents for 3.5 plus of them, I have not felt I have been with my parents, or really for the most part with anybody or myself, and that’s what has made me emotional. Finally seeing that, and feeling that and breaking free.