To My Parents

Dear Mom and Dad,

I know we have fought a lot of the last 3.5 years and I know it has not been easy on you or easy on me.  I know we both have always tried to come from a good place and I know it was hard for you and especially hard for me.  Wanting everyday to just wake up and feel right again, waiting and waiting and waiting and putting myself in a shell, as days went by, months went by, years went by.  Getting to a point where it just felt normal to feel the way I felt as I sped through the day, dictated by the day, by the routine, waiting for everything to just break.

It is 4.5 years of my life lost in a sense, feeling like I was never there and feeling like I have never been able to feel good or be me or be there with you.  Working everyday to get better and waiting and waiting to be able to really spend time with you in a comfortable way.

And my anger would come out, my frustration would come out because I felt so bad and was trying to hard to move my life forward, to most of all feel better.  Jumping to conclusions or anger as a protection mode.  Feeling sensitive to motions and movements and things that were said.

So often just trying to do things to get better, that you might not have understood, that were so hard for me, so challenging for me.  So much time lost, frustrated, angry, arguing, yelling and wasting the day away, the chaos of the day away.

All I have ever wanted, since the beginning of this, is to feel like I should all the time, not have to worry about it anymore and move out and live the life I want.  That’s all I have ever wanted.  I know that’s what you have wanted for me, but I wish we didn’t argue so much about it, and spend so much time frustrated and angry that didn’t help you or me.

I know so often you would see go out and get food, or go to Los Angeles, but this was part of my coping mechanism, part of me trying to live my life and move forward.  Part of me, trying to speed through the day, the day I felt I had never could control.

I learned to ignore how I have felt.  I learned to adapt and try to do things, while always trying to get rid of the symptoms I felt.  I think it is something you don’t quite understand or quite understand everything I have been through and how hard and sad and emotional it has been and how much of it was truly not me.

Most of the time I just wanted you to let me be because I was trying to get better and focus on my healing, not just for me but also for the both of you.

It is unfortunate, we can’t take back the last four and half years.  The past is the past, which can be difficult knowing that it is all time lost, but what we can do is move forward from here and make the best of it.  Make the best of our time together moving forward and know that things will only get better.

Love,

Your Son

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