Who are you?

I have been blogging for over four and half years through my Lyme journey and through this time I know there have been a few people that have followed my blog almost the whole time.  So, if you are one of these people who has followed my blog for awhile, I want to hear from you.  I want to know what you have seen, how I have helped you and anything else you want to share.

you can email me at begnosis@gmail.com

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The times they are a changing

Can you believe that I have been blogging for over four and half years.  Can you believe I have been dealing with this, for over four and half years and still not to the promise land and totally where I want to be yet.

Whenever I think about this, it seems surreal and almost unbelievable. Four and half years ago so often feels like yesterday and so often each day seems to blend into another, but the times they are a changing.

after over four and half years of scatteredness.  Four and half years of waiting and searching.  I finally feel clear in my health path and life path. Am I quite where I want to be yet, not quite but I finally don’t spend most of the day feeling lost and searching and scattered.

life, here I come.

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Everyday is different

Imagine that you wake up every day and you not just feel different physically in your body, I am not just saying pain or no pain or fatigue or less fatigue, I am saying totally just different, but also extremely different mentally and different in which you see the world, connect with the world and feel the world.  This is how it has literally been for me for over four and half years and still is to be honest.

Meeting somebody one day and talking and thinking and connecting a certain way and then meeting them a week later and everything be completely different.

blurring through weeks and days trying to catch up.  Blurring through days trying to find myself and meeting people and doing new things knowing that experience is not fully felt yet but I did it anyways.

this has been my Lyme journey, my journey of transformation and faith.  My journey of dragging my body around and knowing one day it would all click and there would be a consistency and I wouldn’t have to worry about it anymore.

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Building a Human

So here I am, it is 2017 and now I am living in downtown Los Angeles.  I haven’t lived in LA for over four and half years and it is still somewhat surreal to me, partially because of symptoms and partially because everything hasn’t really hit me yet.  Am I happy to be here, absolutely.  Do I feel like I totally want to feel yet?  Not yet, but I do feel it all coming together.

When I started this journey, I always mentioned the idea that I was building a human being or a new me.  Like as if I went to a factory and picked out all the pieces and the manufacturer was evolving it and fine tuning it for years, not really knowing when the masterpiece would be finished.  In every aspect, I have felt like I have been building a human being, a new human version of myself.

Here I am, I am building me and I feel the masterpiece is almost done.

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Disoriented In Space

In so many ways, I have flown through the last four and half years.  Flown through in a protection mode mixed with chaos.  A waiting game, waiting to break free and not be at the mercy of the cycle and routines that nobody should be forced to automatically be a part of.  The reason for this, is I was always constantly trying to find my orientation in space and every once in awhile, every once in awhile, I would find it and it would be really jarring.

So, now I am truly at the root of it, the root of who I truly am underneath, the root of breaking free and the root of seeing the constant disorientation in space right in front me and trying to finally break it and not be at the mercy of it and the mercy of an automatic waiting game.

I have somehow always gotten through the day.  Somehow gotten to where I am now and have come very far but it has not been easy and the discernment has been blind through it.  I have stayed positive because I have had to but I have also very much kept to myself and my routines and my box which isn’t how you want to live your life.  I have had to be chill about things and watch things happen but still have to strive to move forward and break free.  I have essentially been living my life disoriented in space for over four and half years and just ready to break free.

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A Story To Tell…

There is one thing for certain.  I knew eventually once I beat this and got to that finish line there would be a story to tell.  I am not just talking about my book or my blog, though those are pieces of it, I am talking about something bigger, something bigger then I have even realized.

A story that is a big part of the reason why I have gone through everything I have gone through and the reason why I will beat this and change the world.

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Starting over…

I had always told myself that I wouldn’t move back to Los Angeles, get my projects really going, etc, until I was totally 100% symptom free.

A year would go by and two years would go by and four years would go by and I would wait and wait and wait and wait and eventually four and half years went by.  I just continued to trust.

I know I don’t blog as much as I used too.  I know I am still not quite where I want to be but I just signed a lease on a place In Los Angeles.  A place I disappeared from four and half years ago and always told myself one day I would be back stronger and better starting my life over again.

Well, in all honesty I am not quite where I want to be but it is different now, and though things are still intense and I wonder why, still, I know this is the deepest layer of all and the timing is finally right.  I just know it.

So here I am, ready to start over and create the life I want.  I am ready and ready to really break free.

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