Not Until I am There

You want to know what keeps me going?  That I am not going to stop until I get there.  That I am not going to stop going until I get to where I want to be, which is feeling 100% all the time on every level.

This is something that has kept me going and what I have said since the beginning over four years ago.  I am not going to stop until I get there.

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The Disappearing Act

A little over four years ago I disappeared from Los Angeles almost without a trace.  As time went on, the life I had, the people I knew faded away.  Friends I spoke with all the time, saw all the time, became non existent.  My old life became non existent and I got stuck in a black hole.

So here we are, the over four years later, and it seems what is lining up, in a beautiful way, that as quick as I left Los Angeles and disappeared will be just as quick that I will leave behind Lyme Disease and come back to Los Angeles.

Even in the beginning, I knew some way some how that everything would line up, I just never imagined it would have taken this long.  But it is happening.

I feel I am at the tail end of this experience and in the beginning of June I will be moving back to Los Angeles.  My business/website will launch something big and most of all, I feel my  health will really take shape.  The life I wanted, the life that has happened through all this is coming together.

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In Alignment With Who I Am

So much of the past four years was not aligned with who I was or who I am.  So much of it, that as I would do stuff, I knew it wasn’t aligned with who I was.  In the back of my mind, I would do things and be like, why am I doing that, but it was like I couldn’t stop myself, like I was trapped in it all.

As time went on, I almost got used to it because I had to somehow some way function this way even though I knew it wasn’t truly whom I was.

So through the past four years, the alignment of self, has been growing a bit stronger and a bit stronger by the day, getting to that place where what I am doing is in alignment with who I am and I am not just doing it to do it.

Knowing this, knowing that one day I would wake up and everything would make sense and be in sync and be in alignment with whom I am and I would not be in that box, in that hole and I would break free.

As if, as quickly I left Los Angeles, I will quickly leave Lyme Disease.

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You Just Can’t Let It Haunt You

I know, easier said then done sometimes.  But the reality is, you really can’t let things haunt you.  You really can’t let things get to you.  You really can’t let things get the best of you.

It hasn’t been an easy four plus years.  It has been very trying.  The trails and tribulations of what I have dealt with with my living environment being a lot of times unpleasant and not understanding has not been easy and I have done my best to not let it haunt me.

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With Chaos Brings Change

At the point of the chaos, we don’t think we are finding the change.  At the point of the chaos, all we see is negative.  All we see is constant disarray.  For myself, the one word I feel that can describe the last four years the best is, chaos.

The times I seemingly felt better an did more, it seemed there was always more chaos.  The times I didn’t felt great, there seemed to be chaos.  Chaos seemed to be the being of my existence for the last four years.  I felt I never could escape it and almost became used to it.  Became used to the chaos, the fear the suffocating box I felt I was in.

Yesterday I had a pretty decent day and the chaos that seemed to always be there seemed to be much much more mild and things seemed to flow.  By the time night came I went to get food and in the matter of minutes, something fell out of my car and had to call a tow truck and I dropped my phone on the ground and cracked the screen.

I have had a lot of chaos happen the last few years and it always seemed to happen the more I did or when I felt better and did more, and yesterday in some ways was no different but there was a difference.  Like yesterday I didn’t get all chaotic and freaked out dealing with this like I used too but even more then that, in this strange way, that these two things happening last night, that though I would consider chaos, felt like a shift of sorts.  A shift in the direction of me breaking free and total healing.

It is like one of those things when you see somebody break a glass or cut themselves or get in a minor accident and at the time seems like something really bad but in the reality could be something really good happening in the bigger picture.

So, with chaos brings change.

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When Everything Becomes Real

Four plus years ago, I formed a box.  A box to protect myself and keep myself in my routines.  To focus on my health.  To not do anything that might make me feel worse.  To put myself in this waiting game, waiting for everything to break free.  For everything to feel right again.  I put myself in this shell.

I knew at some point, I would have to be part of the world again.  That everything would become real again.  Well, I feel like that point is finally happening.  Am I 100%?  not yet.  Am I still affected more then I want to be.  Yes.  But things are finally starting to click I feel.  Things are starting to become more real.  Everything feels like it is finally starting to click and come together.  Everything is starting to become more real I feel finally, and not a fassad.  Which is both exciting and terrifying and in many ways surreal.

One last thing, I think the best metaphor to explain this, is think of something in a tomb or jail for four years, waiting, and waiting and waiting to break free to let their energy and spirit and who they are come into the world again.  That’s exactly the same thing.

It has been a long time waiting.

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Do It For You

Do you want to know why so many people with Lyme Disease don’t get better?  They don’t do everything and anything for them.  They allow a ton of drama and nonsense into their life.

I get it, that a lot of the time they are out of control and can’t control the chaos because of how they feel, but essentially you have to learn how to exude all of your energy for you and only.  And that’s the key to getting better.  That’s the key to beating Lyme Disease.

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