Disoriented In Space

In so many ways, I have flown through the last four and half years.  Flown through in a protection mode mixed with chaos.  A waiting game, waiting to break free and not be at the mercy of the cycle and routines that nobody should be forced to automatically be a part of.  The reason for this, is I was always constantly trying to find my orientation in space and every once in awhile, every once in awhile, I would find it and it would be really jarring.

So, now I am truly at the root of it, the root of who I truly am underneath, the root of breaking free and the root of seeing the constant disorientation in space right in front me and trying to finally break it and not be at the mercy of it and the mercy of an automatic waiting game.

I have somehow always gotten through the day.  Somehow gotten to where I am now and have come very far but it has not been easy and the discernment has been blind through it.  I have stayed positive because I have had to but I have also very much kept to myself and my routines and my box which isn’t how you want to live your life.  I have had to be chill about things and watch things happen but still have to strive to move forward and break free.  I have essentially been living my life disoriented in space for over four and half years and just ready to break free.

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A Story To Tell…

There is one thing for certain.  I knew eventually once I beat this and got to that finish line there would be a story to tell.  I am not just talking about my book or my blog, though those are pieces of it, I am talking about something bigger, something bigger then I have even realized.

A story that is a big part of the reason why I have gone through everything I have gone through and the reason why I will beat this and change the world.

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Starting over…

I had always told myself that I wouldn’t move back to Los Angeles, get my projects really going, etc, until I was totally 100% symptom free.

A year would go by and two years would go by and four years would go by and I would wait and wait and wait and wait and eventually four and half years went by.  I just continued to trust.

I know I don’t blog as much as I used too.  I know I am still not quite where I want to be but I just signed a lease on a place In Los Angeles.  A place I disappeared from four and half years ago and always told myself one day I would be back stronger and better starting my life over again.

Well, in all honesty I am not quite where I want to be but it is different now, and though things are still intense and I wonder why, still, I know this is the deepest layer of all and the timing is finally right.  I just know it.

So here I am, ready to start over and create the life I want.  I am ready and ready to really break free.

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Most of the people around you, always say how much they want the best for you, etc., but when you set boundaries, want things a certain way and that way might affect their relationship to you or their space, that’s when they get upset.

Most people say they are compassionate, good individuals, like everybody, but at the end of the day when it comes down to it, most really aren’t.

I have seen both of those things so much the last four and half years, especially as all I have done is try to take care of myself and focus on myself and ask for compassion.  People will tend to say how cynical I might be or selfish, or not want to take effort, but nobody wants to label themselves as a bad person, or uncompassionate.

Well, as I am coming out of this, this nonsense doesn’t really matter much to me anymore and most of all, all these people will fade away as I thrive.

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The Irony

I wrote a long post on Facebook yesterday about my last four plus years and in a sense what it has felt like and not a single person from all the years I lived in Los Angeles liked it or commented.  People from the Lyme community did of course and friends I have met through the last four years and a few friends from Seattle but nobody from Los Angeles. I find it interesting and ironic, as I am about to move back to Los Angeles.

I find it ironic because they are all going to come back as they see me thrive and be successful.


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Living at 50%

I say 50% but the reality is the last four and half years I feel I have lived most of it at less then 50% the whole time.

has this been easy, no.  Has it been frustrating, absolutely.  Has it been a test of patience and will and faith and hope, absolutely.

In so many ways, I can’t believe most of the time what I have been through the last four and half years.  It is really super human in so many ways, and still I feel way more affected then I want to and in so many ways live my life at 50%.

I have driven 8 hours in a day like this, gone on dates, done treatments, wrote a book, made a website, had Long intellectual conversations, got over 500 points on scrabble, drove across the country and so on and so forth.

i have done so much at 50%, so affected, just imagine me at 100%.



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The Deepest Layer Of All

For however much I have gone out, done work, tried to live my life, nothing else has really mattered to me but feeling 100% all the time.  And as time has gone by and layers have been broken, I have been working towards and working towards and working towards that deepest layer of all.

At this point, I mean I have said this before, countless times it seems, that I am finally at the deepest layer in all of this.  I actually truly feel it, and part of it is that I don’t feel so much I am searching and worrying like I was constantly doing.  I feel I am finally in alignment with everything finally coming together.

It has definitely been a difficult journey.  A difficult journey of being dragged around it felt like not ever experiencing anything or feeling like I ever felt right and putting everything on hold and constantly, constantly waiting.

The deepest layer of all is probably the hardest but I know once it breaks, I will be set free.

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