The journey that is Lyme disease

I am not going to tell you the last three plus years have been easy.   I am not going to tell you that even at this point I am 100% and don’t feel so much emotion and feeling and even symptoms and patterns and the same cycles but less intense on a daily basis.   I am not going to tell you I don’t still get frustrated at times and still don’t ever seem to feel 100%.

in many ways I still feel I just play out the motions of my day continuing the same patterns and same cycle waiting for things to shift.

I have been through so much pain and so much emotion and so much of this place that I never seem to get out of. This place that you just feel trapped inside your own Body and seemingly can’t ever escape and never have a moment to yourself number of the moment of peace number of the moment I’m actually feeling good.

And to heal, you need to go to the deep things you put to the side.  The hard difficult times and difficult things you could not process and let go of at the time or feel because your mind wasn’t clear and you were doing everything you could just stay afloat and stay present and stay alive and stay here.

The journey that is Lyme Disease is a scary one and difficult one and that can be put to a halt if caught early enough, the problem is that happens so rare and so much suffering and so much pain, and so much chaos and sickness happens that should not.

The journey that is Lyme Disease is not an easy one, but in the end you become stronger and better and evolve into a different person.  You begin to have more faith in yourself and the universe.  You begin to break habits you think would have never been broken and you start to deal with things you never thought you would.  You become clear in your path, clear what you need to do and focus on yourself.

The journey that is Lyme Disease has not been an easy one for me and I am not still not 100% and every time I turn a corner and think I am there, another layer comes at me.  But the thing is I won’t stop until I am symptom free, feel better then I ever have in my life, living the life I want to live and have moved on 100% from Lyme and have it never come back.

Pieces of Me

I have not written a blog post in almost four years. Every once in awhile I think of my blog but usually just a brief thought and it goes away. Through these years pieces of me will have glimpses, pieces of me that get hidden away and then come out. I was thinking about it the other night, finally with a clear head, a clear head I didn’t have for a long time, how different I would feel everyday or how much my perspective would be different. Like that day would have a piece of myself and another day would have a different piece and sometimes the day flew by and then it would culminate to another layer.

So what got me thinking of writing again and got me thinking was the other night this intensity and passion towards filmmaking came out after watching a Television show. This part of me that sometimes I would have glimpses of but got buried away over ten years ago and would peak it’s head sometimes but then retreat back because I was dealing with so much muck.

That person that seemed to get left behind that now is coming back and film has a big tie to that.

My focus lately has been on all non film related things, except for writing a bit, Begnosis and Clean Homes, but filmmaking has always been engrained me and I guess it coming out is a healing aspect that hasn’t come out in awhile.

This all led to me blogging again, and I feel drawn to blog more again. For me, blogging gives me a way to vocalize my thoughts in a structured way that journaling doesn’t necessarily do.

It’s very surreal reading old blog posts and having parts of you come back. These parts I would feel but it was like only glimpses, like my body, soul and mind working to reshape again.

I remember starting this blog over ten years ago and in some ways, though my life has moved forward and I have grown older, I feel only now I am starting over. So there is heartache and grief involved in that. Like these cycles trying to break through.

I started the blog to try to find myself again not knowing where it would lead and here I am ten years later blogging again, because I felt a big piece of me that was there before my life shifted.

Here I Am

I don’t blog anymore.  I even wrote a blog how I don’t blog anymore and have moved on from it all, but I felt the need to blog and update on things and write some things out.

First of all, it is amazing that there are still people almost on a daily basis that check out my blog.  I really hope my blog helps them in some way, shape or form, that was the whole reason why I created it in the first place.

So, as far as my health goes, I feel I am definitely at the tail end.  It is interesting writing this blog for years how often I would say that but as time went on I felt in many ways I was really only at the beginning.  Now, I really am at the tail end and what does that mean, that now my life really begins again.

While going through health challenges, all you want is your health back, all you want is to feel amazing, which still is number one, but when you get through it all and really it doesn’t get in the way like it used to, you have to build your life again and achieve your goals, make money, live in society, etc.  It honestly can be overwhelming.

At the end of the day you don’t get a reward for getting your health back.  So, it makes you work harder.

So, that’s where I am at, I laid a foundation for Begnosis.  I did a lot while not feeling great or clear headed but now I feel clear about my decisions and so on but now I have to really build.  Now I have to build it all again and will I do.  Absofuckinglutely.

Five Years

Today marks five years of blogging.  I mean five years.  Five years might seem like a long time to some or not a long time to others but the reality is, it is a long time when you think of it but also can’t think of it as the last five years was so intense it almost seems like a distant memory compared to now.

I know I don’t blog like I used too.  I actually maybe blog once or twice a month now if even that.  I just don’t feel the need maybe like I used to or in many ways I have moved on and grown.

I started this blog five years ago in my fog, in my automated state knowing it was important for me to do but wasn’t quite sure why.  The blog ended up leading into a book and the book and the blog I felt was a propelling component to my health and wellness website and company Begnosis.  This will also be the basis for a film I plan on making on the Lyme Journey.  So overall, the blog has been a very useful growing and therapeutic tool.

The reality of things is interesting.  We plant seeds so often, not knowing where those seeds are going to grow too.  Not knowing what’s going to come of them.  Feeling like the plan that grows is so far into the future you have no idea what it looks like or if it exists.  That was how this blog started.

So here I am, five years later.  I feel I am finally truly in a different place and on my path to total healing this year and I plan on not retiring my blog per se, and stop writing but I am going to limit writing to maybe once every month or two to just give updates on my life and where I am at now.  I feel it is time in a sense to move on from it.  Which is both a sign of healing and growth, but also the start of a new chapter.

I hope people still find this blog, though I didn’t really promote the blog that often, to help them through their Lyme journey or whatever journey they are going through.  I hope people find all the answers they need for growth, healing and living their highest potential.

In the meantime, check out my website – http://www.begnosis.com

And my youtube channel – https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCRZPlCz7L6xDULda7IIUVPQ

For updates on what I am growing, updates on me changing the world.

So for now, until a further update –

Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms—to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way. 

– Victor Frankl

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I Found Her

I found her.  Meaning, I found a specific healer I have been searching for for probably at least five years.  At the beginning of this journey, I knew there was something deeper going on at the root of all of this and blocks that I needed to break through.  I always knew there was somebody out there that would help me through this.  This is beyond anything tangible and straight forward like Bee Venom Therapy, antibiotics, ozone, etc.  This was deeper then that and almost something that couldn’t be explained.

So through the last five years I have found different elements of healers and either the timing wasn’t right on my end or more so, they were not the right fit and all of this was until yesterday when I found her.  I found the person that was going to help me get through the blocks on every level and get me to the promise land.

So yesterday, when I first met this woman, I knew right away it was her.  It was the person I was seeking.  We spoke for a good amount of time so she can get a background of who I was and my energy and what I was looking for and then she proceeded to do different modalities of bodywork on me while being so present, so aware and so in tune and speaking with me at the same time.  I mean everything about it felt right and my body felt so open and free afterwards and it was on a level that almost words can’t be described.  I know this is the first of many sessions with her.

But the thing I think that was so interesting about all of this was I have seen a lot of healers, I have seen a lot of doctors and so on and so forth and so often nothing felt right about the experience on any level or something would be off or it be good and right but not totally there but with her everything was in sync.  It was magical.  It was absolutely incredible and most of all it shifted things and opened the door to alignment of mind and body and the direction of putting all the pieces together.

I found her.

The day is already done

I don’t blog like I used too.  I actually haven’t blogged in quite awhile.  I guess I am finally moving into another chapter in my life and this transformation is finally moving through.  I am not saying this because I will totally stop blogging, but because I don’t need blogging like I used too.

i think about almost all of the last five years and how often to me the day would be just done.  The day would not really be over but I would just get to certain times of the day or even in the beginning of the day and the day would be done before it was over.

Things aren’t like that anymore, subconsciously they feel like they are because I became so immersed in it everyday.

Yeah it is weird and taking adapting but it is happening, adjusting to life again and actually having a much more expansive world and doing more with the day and it ha wonderful.  Finally the day doesn’t feel like it is done.  It feels like everyday it is just beginning.

Five years

I don’t blog nearly as much as I used too.  Maybe because I am busy with other things and maybe because I am finally expanding my world and moving on from the last five years.  Regardless, it has definitely been surreal.

Today, five years ago, my life shifted and I have floating on this journey, this transformation ever since.  Trying to find my new self, evolve, heal and feel complete and balanced on every level.

Who would have thought it would have taken this long to get here.  Taken this long if non existence and uncomfortability.  This long journey.

so here I am, five years later, and though I am not quite there, I finally truly feel I am in the final stages of healing and most of all breaking free with a expanded world, caught up to myself and able to do anything I desire, which I haven’t felt in five years.  The cycle is complete.

When can I lay down

So much of the last five years, no matter what I would be doing and how “fun” it may be, I would ask myself when can I lay down?  When can I just go home to my room and escape this all?

sure, I have accomplished a lot in many ways dealing with what I have dealt with the last five years but I also spent the majority of it not in the world and laying down and keeping to myself, essentially waiting to break free.  Being part of the world is much more my nature then anything.

i still lay down more then I want, though things are better then ever, but I am ready to get to the point that I only lay down here and there when I choose to rest and balance.

Putting everything on hold

I know this is something I have written about before but it seems to be a theme that comes up a lot.  This putting everything on hold as you wait and wait and wait.

 

One thing or another

Day have flown by the last almost five years mostly because of the way I have felt.

also, each day as I have seemingly become more and more aware, and breaking through layers and moving through, it has been one thing or another, which can be really frustrating.

after years of this, I have learned how be positive and calm the mind no matter how I feel.  And as I have become more aware and more positive, and do more, it would seem more stuff would come up and affect me in new ways.  It was almost like I would open one door and there would be another door and another door and another door.

For almost five years I have learned to adapt and trust and be positive no matt r what.

Who are you?

I have been blogging for over four and half years through my Lyme journey and through this time I know there have been a few people that have followed my blog almost the whole time.  So, if you are one of these people who has followed my blog for awhile, I want to hear from you.  I want to know what you have seen, how I have helped you and anything else you want to share.

you can email me at begnosis@gmail.com