So much of the last five years, no matter what I would be doing and how “fun” it may be, I would ask myself when can I lay down? When can I just go home to my room and escape this all?
sure, I have accomplished a lot in many ways dealing with what I have dealt with the last five years but I also spent the majority of it not in the world and laying down and keeping to myself, essentially waiting to break free. Being part of the world is much more my nature then anything.
i still lay down more then I want, though things are better then ever, but I am ready to get to the point that I only lay down here and there when I choose to rest and balance.
I know this is something I have written about before but it seems to be a theme that comes up a lot. This putting everything on hold as you wait and wait and wait.
Day have flown by the last almost five years mostly because of the way I have felt.
also, each day as I have seemingly become more and more aware, and breaking through layers and moving through, it has been one thing or another, which can be really frustrating.
after years of this, I have learned how be positive and calm the mind no matter how I feel. And as I have become more aware and more positive, and do more, it would seem more stuff would come up and affect me in new ways. It was almost like I would open one door and there would be another door and another door and another door.
For almost five years I have learned to adapt and trust and be positive no matt r what.
I have been blogging for over four and half years through my Lyme journey and through this time I know there have been a few people that have followed my blog almost the whole time. So, if you are one of these people who has followed my blog for awhile, I want to hear from you. I want to know what you have seen, how I have helped you and anything else you want to share.
you can email me at firstname.lastname@example.org
Can you believe that I have been blogging for over four and half years. Can you believe I have been dealing with this, for over four and half years and still not to the promise land and totally where I want to be yet.
Whenever I think about this, it seems surreal and almost unbelievable. Four and half years ago so often feels like yesterday and so often each day seems to blend into another, but the times they are a changing.
after over four and half years of scatteredness. Four and half years of waiting and searching. I finally feel clear in my health path and life path. Am I quite where I want to be yet, not quite but I finally don’t spend most of the day feeling lost and searching and scattered.
life, here I come.
Imagine that you wake up every day and you not just feel different physically in your body, I am not just saying pain or no pain or fatigue or less fatigue, I am saying totally just different, but also extremely different mentally and different in which you see the world, connect with the world and feel the world. This is how it has literally been for me for over four and half years and still is to be honest.
Meeting somebody one day and talking and thinking and connecting a certain way and then meeting them a week later and everything be completely different.
blurring through weeks and days trying to catch up. Blurring through days trying to find myself and meeting people and doing new things knowing that experience is not fully felt yet but I did it anyways.
this has been my Lyme journey, my journey of transformation and faith. My journey of dragging my body around and knowing one day it would all click and there would be a consistency and I wouldn’t have to worry about it anymore.
So here I am, it is 2017 and now I am living in downtown Los Angeles. I haven’t lived in LA for over four and half years and it is still somewhat surreal to me, partially because of symptoms and partially because everything hasn’t really hit me yet. Am I happy to be here, absolutely. Do I feel like I totally want to feel yet? Not yet, but I do feel it all coming together.
When I started this journey, I always mentioned the idea that I was building a human being or a new me. Like as if I went to a factory and picked out all the pieces and the manufacturer was evolving it and fine tuning it for years, not really knowing when the masterpiece would be finished. In every aspect, I have felt like I have been building a human being, a new human version of myself.
Here I am, I am building me and I feel the masterpiece is almost done.