Any major change were your life changes suddenly and then your life changes back again to the better can be summed up in three words, adapting and readapting.
So for myself, I had to first spend days, months, I would say probably close to two years adapting to feeling a certain way all the time and getting used to that. Getting used to feeling that way and working on getting comfortable feeling that way. It took really a long time for me to find some kind of routine with things to be able to not just not feel so off all the time and so unsure and not understand it but to also start to heal by getting to a place of adaptation.
So, once I adapted to things, I then had to start readapting to things. Readapting to the world and not used to feeling the way I felt. The readapting period has almost been harder then the adapting period in many ways.
I always come back to the show Rectify. The show is about somebody who was put on Death row when he was 17 and then 20 years later has to readapt to the outside world. It is very similar to my own readapting period.
It is simply like the last three years has just been a period of transition and transformation in which I was in this flux.
You have to realize, when you go through something major or drastic in your life, it is a sign that you need to let go of the old you and let go of everything and embrace the new you and embrace a new life.
Letting go of everything and starting new, though might be hard, is a blessing at the same time. You really get to start over with nothing, no responsibilities, nothing. Start from scratch.
I knew at some point as I would continue to heal, I would have to process everything I went through that I could not process at the time. I knew I had to eventually feel it and deal with everything.
And this is what has been happening. As I feel better and better and better, I have to process and feel everything I went through, which is an intense experience. Especially the fact that I never felt what I felt at the time or even really experienced how unwell I was all the time. It was definitely a lot and very intense and an experience I felt I would never escape.
Well I am moving on from it all and I am escaping it. It has taken a long time but I am finally really getting there.
Lyme Disease is very challenging as it takes over your being so much that normal life seems to be one mistake after another after another.
In my own experience, I know this quite well. So much of my days and actions seemed to be me constantly making mistakes. Sure a lot of this was perception because of how I felt but at the same time, Lyme affects your decision making and makes you so sensitive to everything that you end up feeling like you have no boundaries, no sense of being and are constantly making poor decisions, not living the life you want, not feeling clear headed making your decisions and just have a total body takeover.
And it is hard because you look at the past or I look at the past and look at how off I felt and how many “mistakes” I seemed to make and it can weigh on you for sure because when you deal with Lyme you already deal with so much and on top of that all the life decisions that are being skewed just makes things worse it seems.
You have to eventually learn to let go of this and know that all the mistakes are just lessons being learned of things you can do better and how you can grow.