The journey that is Lyme disease

I am not going to tell you the last three plus years have been easy.   I am not going to tell you that even at this point I am 100% and don’t feel so much emotion and feeling and even symptoms and patterns and the same cycles but less intense on a daily basis.   I am not going to tell you I don’t still get frustrated at times and still don’t ever seem to feel 100%.

in many ways I still feel I just play out the motions of my day continuing the same patterns and same cycle waiting for things to shift.

I have been through so much pain and so much emotion and so much of this place that I never seem to get out of. This place that you just feel trapped inside your own Body and seemingly can’t ever escape and never have a moment to yourself number of the moment of peace number of the moment I’m actually feeling good.

And to heal, you need to go to the deep things you put to the side.  The hard difficult times and difficult things you could not process and let go of at the time or feel because your mind wasn’t clear and you were doing everything you could just stay afloat and stay present and stay alive and stay here.

The journey that is Lyme Disease is a scary one and difficult one and that can be put to a halt if caught early enough, the problem is that happens so rare and so much suffering and so much pain, and so much chaos and sickness happens that should not.

The journey that is Lyme Disease is not an easy one, but in the end you become stronger and better and evolve into a different person.  You begin to have more faith in yourself and the universe.  You begin to break habits you think would have never been broken and you start to deal with things you never thought you would.  You become clear in your path, clear what you need to do and focus on yourself.

The journey that is Lyme Disease has not been an easy one for me and I am not still not 100% and every time I turn a corner and think I am there, another layer comes at me.  But the thing is I won’t stop until I am symptom free, feel better then I ever have in my life, living the life I want to live and have moved on 100% from Lyme and have it never come back.

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Harnessing My Energy

For myself, I feel so much of everything the past four years comes back to this, harnessing my energy.  I have felt so scattered and unfocused the last four years and felt like my trying to harness my energy has been one of the hardest most challenging things and what I am trying to do in every moment of everyday.

As I have felt better, or can do more and get off the couch and the ebbs and flows of that, I still see me trying to harness my energy effectively.  Is part of this the disease, sure, but also part of it is trying to find who I am and my energy again.

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Getting The Rhythm

Building a rhythm when beating Lyme Disease is not easy.  Actually, it is really challenging and difficult in many ways.  You pretty much have to let go and trust that everything in your life will come to you and your rhythm will flow.  You have to trust that one day you will be able to plan again and do what you need to do each day, your responsibilities, the things you want, and so on and so forth.  You need to trust that soon will get a rhythm again.


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Reconnecting the dots and Making Choices

I rarely blog more then once in a day.  For almost four years of blogging, I would say maybe I have done this like 10 or 15 times.  A lot has been coming up, I feel I do more and more then ever and expand, so the dots try to connect more with my mind and body and I begin making more decisions that are my own, which I am not used too.

All of this is definitely healing and moving in the right direction but it is like a puzzle that is slowly being built and until it is complete, it will almost not quite feel whole.

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Breaking The Pattern, Breaking The Cycle

After four years, you think it would just happen and I would be totally through it and not feel it anymore.  I still feel, not so much like I used to, that one day my life will just change back to the way it was but better.  The way I know I should feel.

For four years, I have been stuck in this pattern, this cycle, this box.  This pattern and cycle I never escaped and also kept as a comfort.  Kept to the same routines on certain days, the same patterns, because partially I couldn’t break it, my brain, my body couldn’t break it and also because I felt so weird and vulnerable to the world that it was hard for me to expand and break it.

Times I was really in it and things were very intense in every moment, I was able to understand it and be with it because for the most part I could not think outside of myself but in the moment.

I for the most part kept myself to the patterns, to the rhythm of the bugs, to the cycle of the bugs, etc.  It was a protection mode, a safe mode.

I always wanted to break the cycle but I never felt I could.  Recently, I have really broken the cycle more and more where I do things when I need to do them more and not when the cycle allows me to do them and it is challenging and vulnerable.

Is this a part of healing, absolutely, am I where I want to be yet, no.  Have I had to adapt and live my life a certain way the last four years, yes.  But it is hard and is not easy because you feel totally exposed to a world you are not used to when still feeling things and not in that protective shell and have broken free.

A dear friend of mine told me you shouldn’t have to force yourself to do things or want to do things or feel afraid to do normal things.  All will just be natural and happen.

I feel my world has expanded, where for so long I couldn’t think outside the box, but my mind and body are not quite where I want to be yet so it is part of what makes breaking the cycle so vulnerable and challenging.




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One Day It Will Be Gone

You aren’t supposed to have to force getting water, food, and so on and so forth.  You shouldn’t have to consciously remember to eat or do normal human things.  You shouldn’t have to deal with feeling a certain way.  Adapting to feeling certain way and so on and so forth.  Everything should just be natural and within rhythm.

For the past four years, I have felt all this to some extent, pretty much in every moment or one way or another.  This feeling like everything I did was forced or on auto pilot or just not me experiencing it and so on and so forth.  So much so, that you forget that this isn’t how you should feel.

As I have been getting closer to finish line, and becoming more and more and more aware, the more I realize these deeper layers that I was once oblivious too.  The more I want this to be gone and the more I push.

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What’s The Answer?

We don’t know all the answers.  Actually we know very few answers in the bigger scheme of things but what we do know and want to know is the answers we need to move our life forward and be successful and healthy and happy in life.

So what is the answer?  More specifically what is/are the answers that I have been seeking out, looking for?

Sometimes the answers are right in front of our eyes but we can’t realize it.

For the last four years, I have been searching for the answer that is going to get me to a place feeling like I want to feel all the time.  Feeling happy and healthy and amazing in every moment and living the life I want to live without anything getting in the way.

Navigating through fog, navigating through scatteredness, uncertainty and the simple fact of life stuff and that life goes on, has made it difficult to find this answer.  Made everything feel like it wasn’t the right decision, or I wasn’t getting anywhere.  Everything would feel constant and like I could never find the answers to escape the Lyme Cycle.




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You Just Have To Let Go

Evolving from Lyme Disease, beating Lyme Disease is not something you can totally force. It is not something that you totally have control of.  It is something that ebbs and flows and evolves at its’ own speed and on its’ own time.  And in the end you just have to ride the wave.

Because of this, you have to learn to let go, which for all of us, including myself, is probably one of the hardest parts.

I mean how can you let go of something you don’t always understand.  How can you let go of something that seems to be with you on a constant basis.  How can you let go of something that just attaches to you.  Well you have to, you really have no other choice.  It is ultimately on its’ own time.


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