The journey that is Lyme disease

I am not going to tell you the last three plus years have been easy.   I am not going to tell you that even at this point I am 100% and don’t feel so much emotion and feeling and even symptoms and patterns and the same cycles but less intense on a daily basis.   I am not going to tell you I don’t still get frustrated at times and still don’t ever seem to feel 100%.

in many ways I still feel I just play out the motions of my day continuing the same patterns and same cycle waiting for things to shift.

I have been through so much pain and so much emotion and so much of this place that I never seem to get out of. This place that you just feel trapped inside your own Body and seemingly can’t ever escape and never have a moment to yourself number of the moment of peace number of the moment I’m actually feeling good.

And to heal, you need to go to the deep things you put to the side.  The hard difficult times and difficult things you could not process and let go of at the time or feel because your mind wasn’t clear and you were doing everything you could just stay afloat and stay present and stay alive and stay here.

The journey that is Lyme Disease is a scary one and difficult one and that can be put to a halt if caught early enough, the problem is that happens so rare and so much suffering and so much pain, and so much chaos and sickness happens that should not.

The journey that is Lyme Disease is not an easy one, but in the end you become stronger and better and evolve into a different person.  You begin to have more faith in yourself and the universe.  You begin to break habits you think would have never been broken and you start to deal with things you never thought you would.  You become clear in your path, clear what you need to do and focus on yourself.

The journey that is Lyme Disease has not been an easy one for me and I am not still not 100% and every time I turn a corner and think I am there, another layer comes at me.  But the thing is I won’t stop until I am symptom free, feel better then I ever have in my life, living the life I want to live and have moved on 100% from Lyme and have it never come back.

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Focusing On Your Health Is Your Job Right Now

When I first started not feeling well, and I didn’t know what was going on and I was scared to death and erratic and chaotic and all over the place and could never calm down.  This friend of mine told me your job right now is your health and getting better, nothing else.

I was so out of it and erratic that it was hard for me to really grasp that, though I did to an extent, in many ways I didn’t.  I think I always felt because my life changed so suddenly in a day, it would change back in a day.

So, as time went on, it was difficult for me to focus on my health fully the way I should.  Sure I was focused on it a lot and doing as much as I could in many ways, but at the same time my energy was spread for awhile in places it should not have been.

So, the last few weeks, I was reminded of this, that focusing on my health is number one, and nothing else really matters unless I have my health and everything else will fall into place.  As I began to decide this, things started shifting and suddenly the clarity happened in what I need to do get better and what I need to to feel awesome again.  Not spread thin on other projects or people, just my energy on my health.

So, I would say this, if you are not 100% healthy and happy right now, focus on that and only that first and nothing else and everything will come into place.

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Don’t suppress your feelings

With Lyme Disease, I think a lot of people suppress their feelings and thoughts and their being for a long period of time.  Partially because of not being able to feel them and being really affected by Lyme, but also because you become so afraid of them and letting them out that you end up suppressing them as they build up.

Looking at myself, not just the past few years, but my whole life, I feel to some extent I was suppressing my feelings.  Sure, I tend to be outspoken and blunt and honest and speak my mind often but at the same time my feelings at times I feel would be suppressed as I kind of just went with the universe, maybe people pleased, and just let things be what they were.

As I started dealing with Lyme Disease, my feelings and emotions seemed to get suppressed even more and more.  So much so, that when I would actually express them and let them out, it seemed strange and vulnerable and made me almost more insecure.

Last night, I was really notice this, because the last few weeks, I have been letting out my feelings and thoughts and how I have been feeling and what I have dealing with with more clarity and expression then I have the last three plus years.  A lot of different things that have been bottled up inside me because either my mind would blur out or forget what I was going to say, etc. or I just became afraid of them.

I know it is not healthy for you to suppress your feelings and essentially be who you are, but Lyme can do this to you.  It really can.  So much so, that you become afraid of them, afraid of who you are, afraid of everything you do because none of it feels right.

It is almost harder or more difficult in some ways to feel how you are supposed to feel again and start to heal and adapt back to the world then it is to go through Lyme Disease.

Suppressing your feelings is not a good thing, no matter what those feelings might be.

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My True Highest Self

Can you believe I was afraid of who my true highest self is?  Can you believe that I was afraid of getting close or revealing the life I want to live because of the way I felt inside?  Can you believe I became afraid of feeling good and feeling whole?  Well, all of this is true and then some.

Even in moments of clarity and feeling some what better or good the last three and half years, it had always felt false and not correct, even though there were pieces and shapes that were forming to help me form my true highest self.

Like wanting to be better, wanting money, wanting to finish things, but then being able to and almost dancing away from it, dancing away from who I truly am.  Sure you can blame it on the bugs, you can blame it on how I feel but at the same time, it was me working towards what I wanted but was so afraid I was pushing it away.

So, who is my true highest self?  Well, to be honest with you, those who have been following my blog for the last almost two and half years, I don’t yet.  I feel I will know shortly, but I don’t know quite yet and even all the individuals I have met the three plus years, don’t know either.

It is a beautiful thing, and anxious thing and a scary thing all at the same time, forming to the place I truly am.  It takes a lot of patience and fortitude and faith to shape the being that I am, the true highest essence of self.

And for everything I have been through, and for everything that has me made of this and essentially afraid of the world around me, I know am realizing the beauty of it and can’t wait to form who I truly am and live the life, I want to live.

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Expanding my world

lyme makes your world very very very small.   When are you in survivor mode, you barely can survive the moment, let alone eat, etc.  very minimal basic necessities.   As time goes on, and you heal more and more, you begin to expand your world and expand your boundaries and what you can do.

I feel lately that I am finally at that point of expansion, where I am expanding a bit more and more.  Expanding my world again until my live in a world where Lyme disease doesn’t exist.

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Confliction in the Mind

I probably don’t know anybody who has dealt with Lyme Disease who has not had what I call confliction in the mind.  Meaning, problems with with decision making and always being in a sense of limbo.

I can relate to this quite well and feel it was such a burden on me every moment of every day, trying to decide what to do, where to put my energy, etc and always feeling conflicted on if that was the right decision or wrong decision.  Confliction in the mind.

So, I have been speaking with a friend about it and it has been tremendously helping me find a sense of trust and letting go in the things I do.  Always reminding myself, there is time for everything, I can make the right decisions, I will fully heal and will live the life I want to live.

We, I wrestle with this mind conflicting and I feel a lot of it comes back to the need of being present and trusting yourself again.  And this is challenging, I am not going to say it is easy, because Lyme makes it very challenging and this experience makes it challenging but at the same time, there needs to be a level of trust in ourselves and in what we do.

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I Know What I Need To Do

We all have the answers inside of us.  We all really at the end of the day know what we need to do to get to where we need to be or want to be.  The only thing is these answers get clouded, even more, we begin to stop trusting these answers and start analyzing and overthinking.

For myself, I have had to regain trust in myself, my answers, my decision making, my intuition, etc.  I really lost that trust when I went through everything I went through and became so scattered and clouded.  As time has gone on, my clarity has gotten better and my answers have become more clear but I still feel the affects of the past and feeling like even though I know what I need to do, it doesn’t feel like I do.

Maybe it is because I am not 100% quite yet.  Maybe it is from being used to the patterns of the past and everything I went through.  Regardless of these things, I really do know what I need to do.

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Changing The Tides

I think one of the most challenging things not only that I have dealt with but for most people who deal with Lyme in general is not knowing if you are doing things you need to do to get better or not because everything you are doing usually is in this state of chaos or fog and you are in this feeling of dragging your body around.

For myself there has to come a point where the tides change and things you do are what you want to do and know to do instead of foggy guessing game.  It is like the brain body connection coming back and changing the tides.

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