The journey that is Lyme disease

I am not going to tell you the last three plus years have been easy.   I am not going to tell you that even at this point I am 100% and don’t feel so much emotion and feeling and even symptoms and patterns and the same cycles but less intense on a daily basis.   I am not going to tell you I don’t still get frustrated at times and still don’t ever seem to feel 100%.

in many ways I still feel I just play out the motions of my day continuing the same patterns and same cycle waiting for things to shift.

I have been through so much pain and so much emotion and so much of this place that I never seem to get out of. This place that you just feel trapped inside your own Body and seemingly can’t ever escape and never have a moment to yourself number of the moment of peace number of the moment I’m actually feeling good.

And to heal, you need to go to the deep things you put to the side.  The hard difficult times and difficult things you could not process and let go of at the time or feel because your mind wasn’t clear and you were doing everything you could just stay afloat and stay present and stay alive and stay here.

The journey that is Lyme Disease is a scary one and difficult one and that can be put to a halt if caught early enough, the problem is that happens so rare and so much suffering and so much pain, and so much chaos and sickness happens that should not.

The journey that is Lyme Disease is not an easy one, but in the end you become stronger and better and evolve into a different person.  You begin to have more faith in yourself and the universe.  You begin to break habits you think would have never been broken and you start to deal with things you never thought you would.  You become clear in your path, clear what you need to do and focus on yourself.

The journey that is Lyme Disease has not been an easy one for me and I am not still not 100% and every time I turn a corner and think I am there, another layer comes at me.  But the thing is I won’t stop until I am symptom free, feel better then I ever have in my life, living the life I want to live and have moved on 100% from Lyme and have it never come back.

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That Magical Day

When you go through a challenge, that makes you look at life differently, appreciate life even more, you begin to appreciate life and everything more then ever.  It makes you appreciate every thing.

For the past four years, everyday I wake up and it is like I am waiting for that magical day, where everything feels right again and everything clicks.  This isn’t saying that the last four years hasn’t been part of my life.  This is just saying I have been working towards that magical day the last four years.

It is a day that will be euphoric in a way that you can’t even explain.  A day that will feel amazing on every level.  That magical day.

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A Day For Me

For four years I don’t feel I have had one day for me.  One day where I was at peace, with no chaos, no drama, no walking on eggshells, no being bothered by the past, and most of all no symptoms and feeling a part of the world.  Four years…of not having a day for me.

It is like what I have been waiting for for four years.  As I have been patient, and more patience and kept myself in this shell.  Letting go of the past, letting go of everything I have been through to have that day for me.

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Four Years Of Blogging

It is surreal to me that I have been blogging for four years.  Not four days, not four months, four years.  Four years of time that seems non existent and a blur.  Four years that feels like it didn’t exist.  Four years that feels like yesterday and like I have been dragging my body around.  Dragging my body around all through the last four years on this auto pilot.

When I started blogging, it was all on intuition, on just a hunch because at the time, I had no idea what was going on and I was in a complete fog with everything I did.  I never thought it would take four years to get to this point and four years I would be blogging when I first started.  I didn’t know where the journey was going to take me or where it was going to end, I just knew it was something I needed to do.

I didn’t know I would eventually write a book through this.  I didn’t know even at the time why I was really doing it.  I just did.  And months went by and days went by and years went by and I continued to blog through this until the day would come where I knew I didn’t need to blog anymore or I have moved through this and most of all, I knew this would be a part of my healing and helps others.

I still don’t feel like I should feel.  I still feel I am in a fog in many ways, but I feel good about this year, better then any other year, that truly this is going to be the year I beat this and am symptom free and beat Lyme Disease.

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Your Whole Life Flashing In Front Of You..

That’s what the last four years has felt like.  Like my whole life has flashed before my eyes, everyday.  Like I am constantly in groundhog day.

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The Most Frustrating Part..

The last four years has been challenging.  Extremely challenging.  Unsettling and feels like it hasn’t existed.  And there are a lot of frustrations that have come from the last four years, but I would say one of the most frustrating things is never feeling the world and feeling like I should.

Everyday, I would do stuff, like work, every once in awhile go do something social, get food, so on and so forth, but everything I would do just never felt right.  I just got used to it and rode the wave of the day.

It is one of the most trying things going through days, months, years, just waiting and waiting and waiting for everything to click again.  Everything you say, everything you do to feel right.  Like it is truly you and you don’t feel odd or strange or not like yourself.  Don’t feel disoriented all the time, or can’t plan a single thing or feel like the way you feel mentally one day is vastly different then a week ago.  Waking up everyday to the same feelings and feeling like that feeling is still there.

You put everything on hold because of this.  Because nothing you do seems to feel right or feel like yourself, even when you are not tired.

For awhile, I knew I wasn’t better, but I just developed a flow with it all and the day would speed by and my world was small and it was almost like I didn’t know any better and got used to it.  Most of the time, I would just lay on the couch or go with this flow because I was afraid to break it.

I would always some how get through the day.  I would always deal with what I felt, but I never felt right.

But what’s actually truly most frustrating or challenging is that all these people I have met this last four years, all these people I know.  All these conversations, relationships I have had the last four years.  All these experiences.  All these things I have done, has been like biding time and this waiting game that the hope that one day everything will make sense again.  The hope that all these people will truly meet the person I am and I let go of time that feels like I didn’t exist.

I hold onto that.  I hold onto that faith that everything will make sense again soon.  That everything will feel right and I will get to be who I am in every moment.  After four years, of not, it wears on you.

Onto this feeling and all these pieces I have collected for me to break free and do everything.  Everything I want, as me, fully alive and not like I am just biding time or doing things to do them.

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Trying to read the future

Through the last four years, I got in this habit of trying to feel like I needed to read the future or even the past because of the nature of my symptoms and the way I mind would function.

So often I felt like I might forget something or something I just did I wouldn’t remember so I would continually try to almost read the future or checking back on the past to make sure I didn’t make a bad decision and so on and so forth.

i have gotten so used to this and essentially not trusting my mind, my experience and what I do and say that even four years later and as much as I have progressed, I still see myself doing it.  Still see myself not essentially trusting myself and remembering everything I need to do.

so I am still trying read the future and gauge everything.

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Something’s gotta give

Through this journey as I got further along I figured out that no matter what I do each day.  How much I get done each day.  Nothing else matters it feels like until everything feels right again through all the day and it feels like me.

No matter what event it go too.  No matter if I go get food or am gone the whole day, this is how I have felt for four years and why I feel everything I have done feels non existent.  Because time doesn’t stop.  The days don’t stop.  But I just keep going waiting for it all the click again.  I have faith eventually it will and something is going to give.

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