Rechanneling My Energy

I believe when you go through a challenge and/or you get sick, etc., your energy gets dispersed in a chaotic way that’s not benefiting you and not benefiting what you are putting out their in the world.

For me, besides the fact that I did not feel well, my energy just became so dispersed in such a chaotic way that it was like throwing darts at a board blindfolded and hoping something would hit.

I have been working on rechanneling my energy everyday for my healing and building my life again and moving it forward.  Rechanneling all of my energy and passion in the right way.

Rechanneling your energy takes work no matter how you feel but it is important to harbor your energy as your own and not anybody else’s.

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Training myself to not react and moving on and letting go

For the last two years plus, I have had to train myself to not react and do my best not to react.  It never worked for so long.  I was constantly reacting but as I begin to cut through more and more layers, I have learned to breath, let go and not react and trust I am moving forward and not getting worse.

It’s been a challenge, especially when your body is so sensitive and uncomfortable that every slight movement from the world will make you react.  On top of this, living in a closed quarter environment with lots of moving parts.

I have had to really work hard at not letting myself react to things and be bothered by things and not let things take me down and prevent me from doing what I need to do to move my life forward and get myself back to balance.

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Taking My Life Back

For two years I have felt my life is not my own and in control of the bugs, the environment, etc.  For two years, I have felt sheltered and in protection mode and all over the place and chaotic and don’t have the power to take my life back.

I have allowed the way I have felt to keep me in fear and not live my life and do things to move my life forward.  Sure I have blogged and I am just about done with my book and done everything I can do to for self care and to try to move through this but I have not lived my life at all and been immersed such a place of fear and chaos of doing anything in the world I have kept myself in the Lyme world, sick world, protection mode, etc.

I have not trusted myself in the world and prevented myself of living my life because of fear of getting worse, making bad decisions, feeling so weird, constant chaos, etc.

Sure maybe I wasn’t ready at the time but my whole relationship to the world and myself and how I felt just vanished so my whole sense of feeling like I had a place in the world went away in every aspect.

I have felt for the last two years that I was crippled by the way I felt and not allowed myself to enjoy life and move through things and most of all take my life back.

Lyme Disease is nasty but what is almost more incapacitating is fear and fear of yourself and fear of everything you do and the world.  It has left me immersed in my bubble not doing much, isolated for two years.  There of course a good reason behind it but it is time for me to take my life back and not allow things to cripple me and prevent me from living my life and moving forward and moving beyond all of this.

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Push and the Pull

I wanted to write a second short blog entry.  The last two years I have been used to living my life trapped by the bugs and in control of them on how my life would flow each day.  And though I have come far, there is still that push and pull going on.  And essentially the push and pull of me either being oblivious to everything able to enjoy my life that day, or me in protection mode just trying to feel comfortable or me able to move my life forward that day and feeling I am not feeling to bad but the reality it is has been a push and pull that I am used in the flow of the cycle and not really feeling me pretty much 99% of the time even up at this point in everything I do.

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Bits and Pieces

Those two words, in many ways, sums up the last two years or so.  Bits and pieces of me moving through the world trying to connect back together.  Searching every place for answers, comfort, trying to adapt into the world and feel a part of the world again and enjoy life again and be able to go out in peace and aware.

It’s like amalgamations of myself every place here and there.  And in a sense, feeling like as I get better or as I move through this and able to do a bit more and more and realize more and more I pick up the pieces of the past two years and let them go.

Also it has been like two parts, either I am physically just trying to ground one day and chaotic or when I feel can do more in the day or want to do more life wise, I would seemingly seem to make poor decisions and create more chaos.  I know it is something I have talked about but it’s like the bits and pieces of the chaos of the last two years of body filled with bugs taken over by something else and still at times like that but more and more of my new self takes over, hits me and starts coming through.

I guess I say it’s kind of a strange thing when the people you have met you have not really met yet over the last two years and the way you are with them is not who you are forming to me and know you are not truly being who you are coming to be and still as you move through it and still as I feel this way I am forming this person this new person and until that happens for me I will feel like I am in a sense bits and pieces trying to working on putting themselves together.

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Releasing The Frustration and Anger

For two years, you kind of in a sense keep yourself bottled up to protect yourself, because you need to spend all your energy just to stay grounded and protect yourself from feeling you are going to do something that makes you feel or worse or feel worse.

You eventually need to let it out and just release it.  I do do my best not to react or get mad but my sensitivity so often would bottle up and then need to be released.

Some of this is because at the time or times in the past I was not able to vocalize how I felt and sometimes it is just because I am frustrated with how I feel at times or were I am at and other times it is frustration from those around me who I feel should show more care.

I think it is healthy to speak your mind and release your emotions and not keep them bottled up but what you need to work on or I constantly work on is not letting my emotions get to me or the world get to me.

Release your emotions, release your frustration and anger but don’t let it get the best of you.

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Getting Out Of That Feeling

I remember one of my first blog entries was about a story of a man who had to go through this hard path or journey to try to get to his goal.  He went through so many challenges and his goal seemed so far away that he never knew if he would ever get there.

It was a premonition of things to come.

For over two years I have been used to living my life in a protection mode, doing everything in chaos and fog and not being present or aware.  Moving through worrying or concerned or checking in with myself making sure I didn’t just do something to make me feel worse or make a bad decision because I did not trust my body, my mind and my surroundings.  This is how I have been living my life, not part of the world, in a shell leached with bacteria and everything I seemed to do was just on faith and dragging my body around, not decisions that were clear, just kind of the universe bringing me some place or mostly me just making sure I eat or lay down or just be away from any place that might hurt me or feel worse.

Also having to let go and protect myself from the challenges of the day and the chaos of the day that seemed to just be created constantly.  In my ultra awareness at times, almost makes things more difficult to be this aware.

So essentially my whole day would be based around this protection mode I was in to not feel worse and just make sure I got through the day not doing anything to harm myself, not able to just be.

Every once in awhile though, things calm down a bit and this realization comes in of where I am and how I have been living my life, protecting myself from the outside world because I did not trust myself or the world around me because of how I felt.

Everyday, symptoms aside, yet of course they correlate, I just spent it making sure to get through the day without feeling worse and just protecting myself, not doing more then I should or doing more things that can make me feel better.

This is how I would do everything and still a lot, moving around making sure I don’t accidentally do something hurt myself more, while trying to trust the universe.

Kind of on the terms of the cycle and riding that wave, while still making sure to not let the outside world effect me.  Essentially not just waking up each day thinking I can do this and this and this and feel great.

So I work everyday or have been for two years getting out of this feeling and living my life as a human being clear headed in my body part of the world, healthy and happy.

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