The journey that is Lyme disease

I am not going to tell you the last three plus years have been easy.   I am not going to tell you that even at this point I am 100% and don’t feel so much emotion and feeling and even symptoms and patterns and the same cycles but less intense on a daily basis.   I am not going to tell you I don’t still get frustrated at times and still don’t ever seem to feel 100%.

in many ways I still feel I just play out the motions of my day continuing the same patterns and same cycle waiting for things to shift.

I have been through so much pain and so much emotion and so much of this place that I never seem to get out of. This place that you just feel trapped inside your own Body and seemingly can’t ever escape and never have a moment to yourself number of the moment of peace number of the moment I’m actually feeling good.

And to heal, you need to go to the deep things you put to the side.  The hard difficult times and difficult things you could not process and let go of at the time or feel because your mind wasn’t clear and you were doing everything you could just stay afloat and stay present and stay alive and stay here.

The journey that is Lyme Disease is a scary one and difficult one and that can be put to a halt if caught early enough, the problem is that happens so rare and so much suffering and so much pain, and so much chaos and sickness happens that should not.

The journey that is Lyme Disease is not an easy one, but in the end you become stronger and better and evolve into a different person.  You begin to have more faith in yourself and the universe.  You begin to break habits you think would have never been broken and you start to deal with things you never thought you would.  You become clear in your path, clear what you need to do and focus on yourself.

The journey that is Lyme Disease has not been an easy one for me and I am not still not 100% and every time I turn a corner and think I am there, another layer comes at me.  But the thing is I won’t stop until I am symptom free, feel better then I ever have in my life, living the life I want to live and have moved on 100% from Lyme and have it never come back.

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When can I lay down

So much of the last five years, no matter what I would be doing and how “fun” it may be, I would ask myself when can I lay down?  When can I just go home to my room and escape this all?

sure, I have accomplished a lot in many ways dealing with what I have dealt with the last five years but I also spent the majority of it not in the world and laying down and keeping to myself, essentially waiting to break free.  Being part of the world is much more my nature then anything.

i still lay down more then I want, though things are better then ever, but I am ready to get to the point that I only lay down here and there when I choose to rest and balance.

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Putting everything on hold

I know this is something I have written about before but it seems to be a theme that comes up a lot.  This putting everything on hold as you wait and wait and wait.

 

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One thing or another

Day have flown by the last almost five years mostly because of the way I have felt.

also, each day as I have seemingly become more and more aware, and breaking through layers and moving through, it has been one thing or another, which can be really frustrating.

after years of this, I have learned how be positive and calm the mind no matter how I feel.  And as I have become more aware and more positive, and do more, it would seem more stuff would come up and affect me in new ways.  It was almost like I would open one door and there would be another door and another door and another door.

For almost five years I have learned to adapt and trust and be positive no matt r what.

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Who are you?

I have been blogging for over four and half years through my Lyme journey and through this time I know there have been a few people that have followed my blog almost the whole time.  So, if you are one of these people who has followed my blog for awhile, I want to hear from you.  I want to know what you have seen, how I have helped you and anything else you want to share.

you can email me at begnosis@gmail.com

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The times they are a changing

Can you believe that I have been blogging for over four and half years.  Can you believe I have been dealing with this, for over four and half years and still not to the promise land and totally where I want to be yet.

Whenever I think about this, it seems surreal and almost unbelievable. Four and half years ago so often feels like yesterday and so often each day seems to blend into another, but the times they are a changing.

after over four and half years of scatteredness.  Four and half years of waiting and searching.  I finally feel clear in my health path and life path. Am I quite where I want to be yet, not quite but I finally don’t spend most of the day feeling lost and searching and scattered.

life, here I come.

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Everyday is different

Imagine that you wake up every day and you not just feel different physically in your body, I am not just saying pain or no pain or fatigue or less fatigue, I am saying totally just different, but also extremely different mentally and different in which you see the world, connect with the world and feel the world.  This is how it has literally been for me for over four and half years and still is to be honest.

Meeting somebody one day and talking and thinking and connecting a certain way and then meeting them a week later and everything be completely different.

blurring through weeks and days trying to catch up.  Blurring through days trying to find myself and meeting people and doing new things knowing that experience is not fully felt yet but I did it anyways.

this has been my Lyme journey, my journey of transformation and faith.  My journey of dragging my body around and knowing one day it would all click and there would be a consistency and I wouldn’t have to worry about it anymore.

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Building a Human

So here I am, it is 2017 and now I am living in downtown Los Angeles.  I haven’t lived in LA for over four and half years and it is still somewhat surreal to me, partially because of symptoms and partially because everything hasn’t really hit me yet.  Am I happy to be here, absolutely.  Do I feel like I totally want to feel yet?  Not yet, but I do feel it all coming together.

When I started this journey, I always mentioned the idea that I was building a human being or a new me.  Like as if I went to a factory and picked out all the pieces and the manufacturer was evolving it and fine tuning it for years, not really knowing when the masterpiece would be finished.  In every aspect, I have felt like I have been building a human being, a new human version of myself.

Here I am, I am building me and I feel the masterpiece is almost done.

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