The journey that is Lyme disease

I am not going to tell you the last three plus years have been easy.   I am not going to tell you that even at this point I am 100% and don’t feel so much emotion and feeling and even symptoms and patterns and the same cycles but less intense on a daily basis.   I am not going to tell you I don’t still get frustrated at times and still don’t ever seem to feel 100%.

in many ways I still feel I just play out the motions of my day continuing the same patterns and same cycle waiting for things to shift.

I have been through so much pain and so much emotion and so much of this place that I never seem to get out of. This place that you just feel trapped inside your own Body and seemingly can’t ever escape and never have a moment to yourself number of the moment of peace number of the moment I’m actually feeling good.

And to heal, you need to go to the deep things you put to the side.  The hard difficult times and difficult things you could not process and let go of at the time or feel because your mind wasn’t clear and you were doing everything you could just stay afloat and stay present and stay alive and stay here.

The journey that is Lyme Disease is a scary one and difficult one and that can be put to a halt if caught early enough, the problem is that happens so rare and so much suffering and so much pain, and so much chaos and sickness happens that should not.

The journey that is Lyme Disease is not an easy one, but in the end you become stronger and better and evolve into a different person.  You begin to have more faith in yourself and the universe.  You begin to break habits you think would have never been broken and you start to deal with things you never thought you would.  You become clear in your path, clear what you need to do and focus on yourself.

The journey that is Lyme Disease has not been an easy one for me and I am not still not 100% and every time I turn a corner and think I am there, another layer comes at me.  But the thing is I won’t stop until I am symptom free, feel better then I ever have in my life, living the life I want to live and have moved on 100% from Lyme and have it never come back.

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All My Fears

This journey, this process the last almost four years has brought about every fear you can imagine, both to protect me and also prevent me from moving forward and doing things I needed to do.

And as time as gone on, and I have become more and more aware, and kind of have broken the mold and patterns, it is like my fears almost still haunt me and are there.  You could say some of this is from bugs, the pathogens, but an element of them is what I became used too to protect myself until I could break free.

Now it is in my face more then ever and I am breaking free more and more and breaking through those fears that held me back.  I guess I don’t feel quite as consumed and trapped by them with no escape.  I guess I don’t feel so trapped that this is my life and in that shell and afraid of going out of my cycle that I have for the most part stayed in for the last four years.

It has been an intense time lately because of this and because of feeling everything kind of coming at me all at once and seeing where I am at.  Being more aware of everything and feeling more then ever.  And feeling my fears more then ever and breaking free from them.

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The Journey

I feel like this part of the journey in its’ own way is the hardest part.  I am not saying at my worst that wasn’t hard and I didn’t feel trapped, but this is hard in a different way.

It is like the culmination of the last four years coming at me all at once.  It is like coming out my protective shell and being aware of everything and feeling everything, including the emotions and feelings.  It is the hardest part of the journey, but the most rewarding.

This journey has seemed to last and last and last longer then I ever would have realized.  I thought six months into it I would be back to 100%, a year into it, two years into it and so on and so forth.  It came to a point where I let go more and more and got to a point where the only thing I have left is to heal and deal with it all.

Deal with all the years and time that seemed to be wasted energy trying to make decisions, or explaining myself or dealing with nonsense and so on and so forth.  All the years that felt like they were lost that you can’t have back.  All the years of patience and isolation.  All the years of the waiting game.

Knowing so much now of what I didn’t know four years ago, has also been a challenge in itself.  I mean there is a reason it took so long to figure all this out and do all the things I do now and make better decisions.  But it is has been hard, and does feel like time is lost.

I always have to remember though, the bigger the challenge, the bigger the reward.

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The Feeling…The Symptom

You hear of people with Lyme Disease whose symptoms go away for a day or they don’t have certain symptoms but others for a day or two or they take something and feel better.  For myself, none of these things have bene the case.

For almost four years I have dealt with pretty much the same feelings, symptoms that have never gone away in pretty much every moment of the day.  Maybe I have a moment or two here and there where I was like this is how I should feel but even in those moments, in didn’t seem real or like everything went away.

I explained the symptom before in another post more in-depthly, what the actual symptoms are like.  But basically it is a feeling, a symptom that has never gone away and gone through different manifestations and layers of it.  It is also the reason why I would always say even when days didn’t seem to be as bad, like I wasn’t that tired or had energy, I never felt right.

Once it is gone, it is gone is what I have always said…

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A Chance to Start Over

For anything traumatic or challenging, there are always positives, no matter how hard it is to see these positives.  One of those positives is the chance to start over.

I think the challenge with that is that is you are not quite sure when that opportunity happens as you drag your body through towards that magical day where everything truly starts over.

You get to a point that you become used to feeling the way you feel so much that you don’t know what feeling better really is as you always seem to feel off.  You become used to it and adapt and are used to living your life this way still knowing you don’t feel the way you want too.

Like you shouldn’t have to force yourself to orient.  You shouldn’t have to be used to not feeling like you are here or aware of everything.  You should feel like everything you are doing you are not experiencing.  You shouldn’t be playing this waiting game for things to shift.

While the last four years has felt like that, because it has felt like everything hasn’t existed and I have been playing this waiting game until everything orients and I truly start over.

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I Always Thought I Could

I always had said there was a fine line between me feeling 100% and flowing and not.  I have always been able to drive, however uncomfortable in may be.  I have always been able to get food.  I have always been able to do basic things, but it took awhile for me to be able to get to a point where I could do the things I needed to do to get to 100%.

Now reflecting back a lot, because I can, I always felt like something was just going to break and then a year went by and two years went by and three years went by and I continually felt I was just going to get better because I was able to do these other things.  Write a book, get food when I needed too, so on and so forth, but it never seemed too.  Even the times I seemingly felt better and was in a way oblivious, I really wasn’t better, but it never seemed I could articulate that.  I formed this kind of routine with everything, this cycle that seemed automatic, like I mind couldn’t break it.

Lately, I have been seeing how much energy was spent erratically or this way or that way and it isn’t easy and I have been quite emotional about it.  Seeing how much time was spent on everything but feeling better and moving forward.  But here is the thing, the reality was I couldn’t break it, I almost wasn’t ready to break it.

To my family, my parents they see the same routine that I have been going through for four years and to them it doesn’t seem like anything has changed except for maybe the fact that I do a bit more consistently.  I still wake up and eat like I always do, go on the computer like always do, go get food like always do, so on and so forth, the same routine.

This is also what I have struggled with.  Going through the same routines and cycles day in and day out makes it feel like nothing is breaking and  nothing is changing, even if it is.

So it hasn’t been an easy journey because time and life has always gone on but the way I feel seems to always be the same to one degree or another because this feeling and symptom has not really gone away.  Some days I can pinpoint things more and some days I am more oblivious to it but it has been unsettling and really until it fully breaks and made it feel like I am bound by it.

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Putting Everything On Hold

Almost four years ago, I was forced to put everything on hold, my life, my film career, my friends, bills, making money, traveling, everything.  I had to go live with my family knowing that I couldn’t work, I couldn’t make money and really all I seemingly could do through the day was get food and try my best to be comfortable and escape this.  I knew though at some point the holding pattern would be no longer and the reality of the world would come back and I would begin to evolve myself back into life and dealing with all the things I put on hold.

Well, though I am not quite there yet, I can feel that time coming.  It is like your body knows when it is ready and it is time and it starts to happen.  I doubted I would know for so long, or felt I would have faith in knowing for so long but the reality is, I did know.  I mean even at my worst, I always knew how to do everything I needed to do it was just in such a weird uncomfortable state.

This is all a good thing and the hopes of a good thing, an amazing thing that I am at that point where I can fully break the cycle and not have to try to break the cycle and live the life I want to live and feel a part of everything I do and not put everything on hold.

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In One Way Shape Or Form, Everything Is Faith

It is something I call blind faith.  In one way shape or form, I have been leading my body and mind through a journey of blind faith, praying, doing everything I can, hoping that one day I would break free and everything would click and orient and I would feel like I want to feel and everything will feel right again.

I feel at this point, in many ways I just get it or understand things more.  Have my symptoms completely gone away, no, they haven’t.  Is it frustrating, yeah very much so.  Am I in many ways used to it, I am, but that doesn’t mean I cam going to stop pushing through.

Everything really has been blind faith because everyday still feels like an auto pilot in many ways…

 

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