The journey that is Lyme disease

I am not going to tell you the last three plus years have been easy.   I am not going to tell you that even at this point I am 100% and don’t feel so much emotion and feeling and even symptoms and patterns and the same cycles but less intense on a daily basis.   I am not going to tell you I don’t still get frustrated at times and still don’t ever seem to feel 100%.

in many ways I still feel I just play out the motions of my day continuing the same patterns and same cycle waiting for things to shift.

I have been through so much pain and so much emotion and so much of this place that I never seem to get out of. This place that you just feel trapped inside your own Body and seemingly can’t ever escape and never have a moment to yourself number of the moment of peace number of the moment I’m actually feeling good.

And to heal, you need to go to the deep things you put to the side.  The hard difficult times and difficult things you could not process and let go of at the time or feel because your mind wasn’t clear and you were doing everything you could just stay afloat and stay present and stay alive and stay here.

The journey that is Lyme Disease is a scary one and difficult one and that can be put to a halt if caught early enough, the problem is that happens so rare and so much suffering and so much pain, and so much chaos and sickness happens that should not.

The journey that is Lyme Disease is not an easy one, but in the end you become stronger and better and evolve into a different person.  You begin to have more faith in yourself and the universe.  You begin to break habits you think would have never been broken and you start to deal with things you never thought you would.  You become clear in your path, clear what you need to do and focus on yourself.

The journey that is Lyme Disease has not been an easy one for me and I am not still not 100% and every time I turn a corner and think I am there, another layer comes at me.  But the thing is I won’t stop until I am symptom free, feel better then I ever have in my life, living the life I want to live and have moved on 100% from Lyme and have it never come back.

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Undcovering what was underneath

what can make Lyme disease so challenging is as you feel like you are getting some place and breaking layers, you begin to realize you have only just begun and are uncovering what was underneath.

In many ways, I developed a comfort, a certain routine, a certain cycle, a level of protection, anxiety, ultra awareness to adapt to how I felt and not do anything to push it or make me feel worse, etc.

i knew at some point these cycles and patterns would be broken and have to be broken to live my life again and fully heal.

About 2.5 months ago, this pattern was broken one day and at the time I didn’t really realize it because things got really intense and scary for me.  I couldn’t realize what was happening at the time but now I can.  Now I realize that the sudden intensity and shift was needed to reveal what was underneath and really deal with the root of everything and beat Lyme disease.

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Trusting It Will All Come Together

If you don’t trust the process, you will not get to where you want to be.  If you have doubts, if you don’t have faith, you will not reach your goals.  You need to trust that everything is unfolding for you and everything will come together for you.

I have to admit, it can be very hard to trust that everything is going to come together when you have been feeling a certain way for so long.  It can be hard to trust that everything will be fluid one day and everything will feel right one day and you won’t feel something you have been feeling for so long.  Feeling like essentially you are dragging your body around until it does all come together.

I always come back to trust and trusting that it is all coming together for me and all working out for me.  However hard that might seem, I know it is.

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Dealing with my demons

I will be honest with you, by now, I would have thought I would be symptom free or at least so close I almost don’t even notice anything but feeling good and enjoying life and doing everything I need to do during the day.   The reality though is that things have been more intense then ever the last couple of months or so.

Why is that?  Because I am dealing with it.  I am dealing with my demons and dealing with the root of everything.

for a long time I have been working on dealing with it.  Dealing with wanting to feel better.  Feel happy and healthy but it was almost as if I couldn’t deal with it because I was so foggy, so scattered and so unaware  and so oblivious ur didn’t allow me to deal with the root of everything.

Now I am dealing with it.  I am aware of everything happening and it is intense.  More intense then ever it feels in many ways but I know I am dealing with the root of everything and dealing with my demons and I am beating this.

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You are meant to beat this

one day, soon, the world will feel more incredible then it ever has and you will, I will have totally beaten Lyme disease.  This day is happening sooner then we realize.

I have known since the beginning that I am meant to beat Lyme disease.  However extreme and intense things have gotten and however far I have come already and how many layers I have broken.  I have known since the beginning I am meant to beat this and I really do see the finish line.

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Just have to keep going

You know what makes Lyme disease so challenging to beat, the fact that it seems to take forever and when you think you are making headway and have made headway you realize you have only just begun.

Through the past 3.5 plus years there have been many ebbs and flows and many moments were I really genuinely felt and thought I was really getting better and close to that finish line of being symptom free only to realize it seemed like I only just begun.

Recently I really felt like I was making a lot of headway quickly and really close to that finish line, only to realize as I dug deeper and got to deeper layers I was really finally getting to the pinnacle.

Many individuals with Lyme disease get fed up and frustrated because it seems never ending and seems like they are not getting better and so often give up treatments to soon and just don’t want to deal with it anymore but if you keep going, it will be worth it.

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Having it all come together

Beating Lyme disease is very much about shedding layers.  Shedding layers that seem never ending and shedding layers that you never knew were layers.

Through all the shedding, you are putting the pieces of your new life.  Your new self together.

The pieces seem lost and random but they are pieces that are allowing for everything to come together.

Some of these pieces may have been found two years ago and some may have been found recently but all of these pieces are forming.

It has been hard to see the pieces and trust they are forming but they are.  They truly are and all the pieces I have collected the last three and half years are coming together exactly the way I want and forming my new self.

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Having faith through the fog

when I was at my worst, it was very very challenging to have faith as i barely could think beyond my next meal.  I could barely think beyond that moment if even that moment at all.  But some how in these tiny moments and having these tiny thoughts, it allowed me to have the faith I needed to move forward and know I was beating this.

As time has gone on, my world has expanded, I have done more.  But still through doing more, the fog has still been strong, so strong that it is hard so often to see the progress and hard at times to have faith and believe I am heading on the right path.  But I do have faith.

Through this and still and really until I am 100%.  I will continue to have faith through the fog.

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