The journey that is Lyme disease

I am not going to tell you the last three plus years have been easy.   I am not going to tell you that even at this point I am 100% and don’t feel so much emotion and feeling and even symptoms and patterns and the same cycles but less intense on a daily basis.   I am not going to tell you I don’t still get frustrated at times and still don’t ever seem to feel 100%.

in many ways I still feel I just play out the motions of my day continuing the same patterns and same cycle waiting for things to shift.

I have been through so much pain and so much emotion and so much of this place that I never seem to get out of. This place that you just feel trapped inside your own Body and seemingly can’t ever escape and never have a moment to yourself number of the moment of peace number of the moment I’m actually feeling good.

And to heal, you need to go to the deep things you put to the side.  The hard difficult times and difficult things you could not process and let go of at the time or feel because your mind wasn’t clear and you were doing everything you could just stay afloat and stay present and stay alive and stay here.

The journey that is Lyme Disease is a scary one and difficult one and that can be put to a halt if caught early enough, the problem is that happens so rare and so much suffering and so much pain, and so much chaos and sickness happens that should not.

The journey that is Lyme Disease is not an easy one, but in the end you become stronger and better and evolve into a different person.  You begin to have more faith in yourself and the universe.  You begin to break habits you think would have never been broken and you start to deal with things you never thought you would.  You become clear in your path, clear what you need to do and focus on yourself.

The journey that is Lyme Disease has not been an easy one for me and I am not still not 100% and every time I turn a corner and think I am there, another layer comes at me.  But the thing is I won’t stop until I am symptom free, feel better then I ever have in my life, living the life I want to live and have moved on 100% from Lyme and have it never come back.

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When Everything Becomes Real

Four plus years ago, I formed a box.  A box to protect myself and keep myself in my routines.  To focus on my health.  To not do anything that might make me feel worse.  To put myself in this waiting game, waiting for everything to break free.  For everything to feel right again.  I put myself in this shell.

I knew at some point, I would have to be part of the world again.  That everything would become real again.  Well, I feel like that point is finally happening.  Am I 100%?  not yet.  Am I still affected more then I want to be.  Yes.  But things are finally starting to click I feel.  Things are starting to become more real.  Everything feels like it is finally starting to click and come together.  Everything is starting to become more real I feel finally, and not a fassad.  Which is both exciting and terrifying and in many ways surreal.

One last thing, I think the best metaphor to explain this, is think of something in a tomb or jail for four years, waiting, and waiting and waiting to break free to let their energy and spirit and who they are come into the world again.  That’s exactly the same thing.

It has been a long time waiting.

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Do It For You

Do you want to know why so many people with Lyme Disease don’t get better?  They don’t do everything and anything for them.  They allow a ton of drama and nonsense into their life.

I get it, that a lot of the time they are out of control and can’t control the chaos because of how they feel, but essentially you have to learn how to exude all of your energy for you and only.  And that’s the key to getting better.  That’s the key to beating Lyme Disease.

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Eventually It will just Click

When you wake up in the morning, you should not have to force yourself to orient.  You should not have to be reliant on the cycles of the pathogens or feeling a certain way.  Well that’s been the nature of everything the last four years, just moving through and moving through essentially waiting for everything to just click.

You can say all of this is faith that one day it will, or hope, or whatever you may call it.  But for me, essentially it has been about just knowing that one day it will eventually all click.  One day everything will just feel right again and make sense again.

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Nothing Else Matters

For four years I have been waiting, and waiting and waiting for everything to break and feel right again.  Putting myself in a box, feeling trapped, feeling not alive, waiting and waiting for that day where everything just feels normal through the day.  Doesn’t matter what I would do that day, could just be going grocery shopping, or getting food, or whatever, all that would matter is that everything feels like it should.

I have learned that nothing else matters until I am set free.  Which has really been a test of patience and faith.  Test of strength and fortitude.  Test of life appreciation like no other.

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What’s underneath

Through the chaos and fog.  Through the trials and tribulations I have always known that I was underneath it all.  The true me was underneath it all.

And I feel soon.  Sooner then I ever realize.  Everybody will see what’s underneath.

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Forming Me

When I first started not feeling well about four years ago, when everything kind of shifted, I remember thinking that I didn’t feel like a human being.  I felt like everything I did was not human and that everything that was me, was gone.

So, the last four years, through pieces and parts and fog and scatteredness, I feel I have been working on forming me.  Forming who I am again.  Forming a whole new human being on every level, mind, body and soul.

Forming a new person takes time, takes patience and is all through essentially, will, determination and faith.

Through time and healing, memories are not lost memories anymore, The world doesn’t seem like a lost world and eventually I become whole and feel part of it, not a bit of time, not sometimes, all the time.

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What I am Used too

I should not be used to wondering around disoriented, in the same brain patterns, same rhythms, same cycles, same feelings of dragging my body around, but in many ways I am.  It is what I have become accustomed too.

My brain and body has pretty much become accustomed to these patterns.  These cycles, these similar mind sets, movements, everything.  So much so, that it has been like I have been going through the same motions of the same things I am used to over and over and over again for the past four years, until one day I can I guess you can say snap out of it and everything will orient again.

I get it now.  I get it more then ever.  Now it is time to break things and be set free.

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