The journey that is Lyme disease

I am not going to tell you the last three plus years have been easy.   I am not going to tell you that even at this point I am 100% and don’t feel so much emotion and feeling and even symptoms and patterns and the same cycles but less intense on a daily basis.   I am not going to tell you I don’t still get frustrated at times and still don’t ever seem to feel 100%.

in many ways I still feel I just play out the motions of my day continuing the same patterns and same cycle waiting for things to shift.

I have been through so much pain and so much emotion and so much of this place that I never seem to get out of. This place that you just feel trapped inside your own Body and seemingly can’t ever escape and never have a moment to yourself number of the moment of peace number of the moment I’m actually feeling good.

And to heal, you need to go to the deep things you put to the side.  The hard difficult times and difficult things you could not process and let go of at the time or feel because your mind wasn’t clear and you were doing everything you could just stay afloat and stay present and stay alive and stay here.

The journey that is Lyme Disease is a scary one and difficult one and that can be put to a halt if caught early enough, the problem is that happens so rare and so much suffering and so much pain, and so much chaos and sickness happens that should not.

The journey that is Lyme Disease is not an easy one, but in the end you become stronger and better and evolve into a different person.  You begin to have more faith in yourself and the universe.  You begin to break habits you think would have never been broken and you start to deal with things you never thought you would.  You become clear in your path, clear what you need to do and focus on yourself.

The journey that is Lyme Disease has not been an easy one for me and I am not still not 100% and every time I turn a corner and think I am there, another layer comes at me.  But the thing is I won’t stop until I am symptom free, feel better then I ever have in my life, living the life I want to live and have moved on 100% from Lyme and have it never come back.

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Just Do It

You just have to do it.  You just have to make it happen, take a chance and do whatever it takes to do what you need to do.  Whether that is beating a disease, or accomplishing your goals.  You just need to do it.

In the health communities on Facebook, I see more talk then action.  I understand when you are affected, it affects your actions and decision making, I experienced that and still do to an extent.  But you aren’t going to get  better unless you take action.

I am saying the above for myself as well again because to be honest, I feel in the back of my mind I have known for awhile what I have needed to do to get better.  What I have needed to do to be 100% symptom free but fear and fog and indecisiveness and not trusting myself, allowing other things to get in the way detracted from this.

Besides beating this and feeling great all the time, the thing I have wanted more then anything is knowing what I needed to do to get to that point.  So, now I really feel I do know what I need to do and it is now about just doing it, just implementing it, just making it happen and not waiting or detracting myself, or allowing fear or anything else to get in the way.

You can’t let anything get in the way of what you need to do.  Just Do It!

 

 

 

 

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What’s In The Past, Is In The Past

Today is one of those days where I write two blogs.  It is not often I write two blog entries.  I would say actually int he past almost now four years I have been blogging I have only written two blogs on the same day maybe twenty times or so.  Well today is one of those days.

The past doesn’t exist anymore, the future hasn’t happen yet and all we truly have is the present.  This can be a hard thing to realize and fathom when you reflect back on things in the past and realize so much of what you did, who you were, what was going on, was not you and so many decisions you made, so many things you did you did not experience and where not decisions you would make today.

So much of the past for myself was based so around fear.  Fear of how I was going to feel when I did something, fear of making decisions because I felt they weren’t mine.  Fear.  Not trusting my intuition.  Not trusting myself and letting my power and fear get in the way of what I needed to do to heal.

Sure, a lot of this was the disease.  A lot the past few years feels like It didn’t exist and I have been relying on blind faith and still feel in some ways am, but regardless of that, I have to just keep reminding myself, the past is the past and truly it is and all we have is the present.

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Where I Put My Energy

Lately, I have really been able to reflect back on the last almost four years.  Reflect back more then I ever have.   I am looking back at all the places I put my energy to that now I would never.  All the decisions I made that were not my decisions or decisions I would of made and just overall a lot of time focused on places that were not myself, not my health and so scattered.

For Four years, you have to do something.  You have to try to move forward.  You have to try to do things to move your life forward you feel.  Or fun things.  You have to most of a ll try to do everything you can for your health.

It has been hard and emotional to be honest reflecting back on everything.  Reflecting back on how much energy was put into all these places as years went by.  It is I think also hard because I am still not symptom free yet and I still am affected.  And it is also hard feeling as though time has stood still all this time.

I am not saying all of this to be hard on myself or hold onto the past.  The past is the past.  I am just saying this because I have been able to reflect and this is what I have been feeling.  Sure, is a lot of it the disease and part of the process and the journey, definitely but it still makes it challenging, and have you feel a lot.

It is almost like you see the last four years and all that time that was spent not the way you want too and reflect on it.

I mean in the last few months I have been more focused, had much less chaos, more clarity, decisions that I want to be making and done more for my health and then I felt I did in all the time before that.

Have I learned from it all, yes.  Am I healing and growing and evolving from it all, definitely, but it is still trying and challenging.

I wanted to add one more thing.  So much of the last four years, and still it feels like it is this way, has felt like I just do things to do them and when I can do them depending on the cycle.  Do things without really me making the decision but the energy taking me there.  This has ultimately been a reflection on life and what life is and what is it that I want, we want out of life.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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You Just Will Know

I forget sometimes what feeling good feels like.  I forget sometimes how affected I still can be.  I forget sometimes because I am always working on pushing through thinking the way I feel is still “normal” when it really is.

I had this moment last night and when I was sleeping that kind of brought everything together.  This happens every once in awhile and it is what has helped me keep my baseline and keep going and bring things back to perspective.  On the flip side of that though is it is also what has made things sometimes challenging because it makes me think I am progressing or getting better or just have to keep going with what I am doing but then a year or two years would go by and the realization of that working is non-existent.

I guess even more so to add to it, is when your whole perception of who you are and your life is affected at every moment and you have pockets where it comes back or comes together, it makes you think that things are better, and makes you wonder what is your true perspective.

I guess really the reality is, I will just know.

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This is where I am..

After four years of dealing with symptoms, I would have thought by now I would be symptom free and have beat this.  I would have thought by now, I thought a long time ago, I would have moved on from all this and on with my life and doing everything I want.

While though I have made a lot of progress in many ways, I am still really affected in many other ways.  I have learned to stay positive through it all and riding the ebbs and flows but I really still not where I want to be.  I do everything I can still to get to where I want to be but I also see how affected I am still and I feel because I am more aware it is almost even more frustrating and challenging in many ways.

So this is where I am and I am going to keep moving forward until I am symptom free.

 

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When You Don’t have To Force Anything

When you don’t have to force anything, is when you know you beat Lyme Disease.  When you don’t have to worry about this happening when doing something normal or that happening, that is when you know you beat Lyme Disease.  When your world is totally expansive and you can do everything and anything, that is when you know you beat Lyme Disease.

I always have to tell myself and remember, I am not supposed to force myself to do this or that, everything should just flow and happen.

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Fear…

For myself on this journey, through this process, everything seems to come back to fear.  When fear comes up, I would always ask myself this question, is fear a choice with this process or is it a symptom?  I would say both.

Today, overall has not been a bad day, but whenever I have days like this, where I am aware in every moment, but not in an uncomfortable way and able to make decisions and choices, this fear creeps in that would kind of paralyze me and just have me lay on the couch or not do stuff all the time.  I wasn’t necessarily insanely uncomfortable always at this time, or getting worse, but this fear, kind of paralyzed me and I would lay there until the day went by and I didn’t do anything that I can do to make me feel better, move forward and so forth because through the day I always felt doing something would make me feel worse, or something would happen, etc.  Nothing ever did, knock on wood, but I always felt this.

As time went on, and I can become more clear at times, I could see more so that a lot of times this fear was not me, but a symptom of Lyme.  It was always tricky, or I would say for a long time it was tricky and I didn’t know really which was which.

I also got used to having to live my life this way, move through life this way, push forward this way, do things through the day that revolved around food and the same patterns because they made things familiar to me.  Feeling like I had to consciously always tell myself what I am doing next instead of it being natural like it should be, that is a symptom.

As time went on, this cycle, this box, this feeling of being at the mercy of the bugs, doing everything in obliviousness and realizing later that wasn’t you, started to break somewhat and break some more, but still I wasn’t there yet.  And what comes back to the picture when this happens…Fear…

At the end of the day, you just have to keep moving forward, I do, and not let fear get in the way of the finish line.

 

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