I have been watching Orange is the New Black.  I am pleasantly surprised at how good it is.  It is from the creator of Weeds, which I was not a big fan of.  Orange is The New Black has a good balance of quirky and funny, mixed with reality and drama and political and social commentary.  This is I like were Weeds got it wrong.

Watching the show has made me really miss making films.  I mean I have always missed making films but I was in a place were the concept of making a film was far from my mind.  I mean it could not even enter my mind.

Now, that passion, that love of making films, that was always there and has always been there is really coming back and I am now ready to take on a project.

Film is an amazing art.  Making films makes me happier then anything.  I used to have people tell me I bet you could direct for twenty four hours straight.  I am sure I could.  Crews would not like that very much but I sure love it.  I feel in many ways, most alive when I am on a film set directing.  It is such a beautiful thing.

So, I am working on a TV pilot and working on getting back into filmmaking :).

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Putting All The Pieces Together

Lyme Disease is really just a big puzzle that you are trying to piece together.  I mean shit, life is a big puzzle you are just trying to piece together.  Sometimes you put the puzzle together quickly and sometimes it takes years.  No matter what though, there is always a solution to the puzzle.

I look my journey and how at the beginning how all the puzzle pieces were scattered.  They were everywhere really and slowly I would some pieces together without really knowing if they were really fitting together.  I took little bits and pieces as time would go on.

And as things progressed I took a puzzle piece from here and another from there and another from there until I got the needed clarity to understand how to put all the pieces together.

Finally, finally, after 2.5 plus years I feel I finally have all the puzzle pieces and know how to put them together.  For a long time, I thought I had all the pieces and they went together but the reality is I had not received all the puzzle pieces yet and how they would form together.

So now that I have all the pieces and know how to put them together it is now finishing the puzzle and completing the transformation.

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Breaking Free From Lyme Jail

There will be a moment.  There will be a shift.  When I and you and everybody who beats Lyme Disease essentially breaks free and breaks free from “Lyme Jail.”

This is the moment that you hold on to, that I have held on to, the small bits and glimpses and moments were I have broken free and broke back into the world into my new transformed self.  Not my oblivious self, not my not dealing with everything fully self, not just trying to enjoy the cycle, the self that truly breaks free and is part of the world again.

It is an interesting feeling because the life that you see the last 2.5 years is just a blur and in many ways not you, actually not you at all and you start to realize more and more how much it isn’t you and how you were trapped in jail and filled with bugs doing all of these things.

It is like once I break free, I am free and that is that major shift and that’s when I have moved on.

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Changing the Minimalistic Self

It usually isn’t only one thing that causes illness in somebody.  It is usually a multitude of events that kind of all come to a head at once.  For myself, one of the things that caused this transformation, this shift, this illness, whatever you want to call it, was living a “minimalistic life” and I guess ultimately not living the life I was meant to live, want to be living and staying true to myself and taking care of myself as I should have been.

I know I have spoken about these things before.  Heck, I have spoken about this a number of times in both my blog and my book, but ultimately everything comes back to this.

I look at now even and what I have gone through and how I will do a bit here or a bit there, a big part of it because I couldn’t before do that much in a day or at once.  Could it just be because of how I felt I did not do more, or is there a correlation between the minimalism that created this experience and the minimalism now.  I think there is a correlation.

So, I have been constantly working to break this habit and changing this attitude and moving on from it and totally transforming.  I am creating a new self, a totally new person who does not do any of these bad habits I did in the past and stay true to myself and take care of myself and trust the universe.

Changing a habit that took years and years to build is not easy and takes time and work and pain and layers and catching myself and working on myself.  It is changing my whole being, which is ultimately what “Lyme Disease” or this transformation has done.  It is creating new habits, better habits through the day and ultimately, just changing my whole being.

Minimalism has its’ place but it also has its’ down side and negative side and comes back to ultimately taking care of yourself and staying true to yourself and not letting anything hold you back and taking your power back.

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Dealing with the Past

I believe we get sick or deal with trauma because we never fully dealt with the past.  When we do not fully deal with the past, it comes back tenfold so we can move through it and deal with it.

It is interesting, as I get further into my healing, become more aware, it actually becomes more intense and harder.  Where as I kind of blindly just trying to get through the day and on this autopilot for so long feeling like I wasn’t really doing much to get better but felt stuck to do more.  I was I guess in this place waiting for things to just change and shift, which isn’t impossible but you need to do work, move through stuff to deal with things and have things shift.

So, as things progress, I feel all these things from the past come up and realizations come up.  One of the things that comes up is when I first started not feeling well.  When I was in College, and got sick and had no idea what was going on.

During that time, I never knew what was going on.  I just kind of moved through things without ever knowing and eventually life blended again.  I never fully dealt with what was going on in College, one, I was young and wanted to just get my life going and two it just got pushed away without me realizing I needed to deal with something.

So years go by and what happened in college, came back, stronger and more powerful.  It came back in many ways all of sudden.  I mean it wasn’t all of sudden really, but it definitely felt like it because of how quick it happened.

It was time for me to deal with it and boy I did not know what I was in for.

So as I have been healing, as I have been dealing with things, it made me realize I never dealt with and how my life before was kind of a blur in many ways and I guess truly wasn’t me, the real me, who I am and I needed to go through this to deal with all of that and the past and move through things and let it all go.

As I deal more with the past, as I deal more with everything, the memories and feelings and events, etc. start coming up, which brought me to this realization.

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Catching Up

I don’t know what other people’s experiences are like.  I mean I can get a sense, but in reality I really don’t know, unless I lived in their shoes and walked their experience.  I can only totally feel and understand my experience.

The one thing I know, is when things shifted it was like I got lost in a vortex and where I was, where my body was, where everything was put to a halt so I can go through this journey, this transformation to eventually catch up to where I was.

It is like everyday I get a little bit closer to creating total peace and serenity and catching up to myself and the universe and finding my alignment with it again.

It is going back to the bottle reference, keeping myself in a bottle, until I totally catch up to everything again.

It is like you see yourself and you are trying to get a hold of yourself again and the world again.

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Decisions make up our existence.  What we decide can change the course of events for a long time to come.

I think one of the biggest things that was impaired through my transformation was my decision making.  So much so, that I would constantly make clouded decisions that would in turn create more chaos in the day.  I feel this is true with so many dealing with Lyme Disease or any other disorder that can cloud your body and your mind.

Another element on why this happens I feel is because our boundaries our so skewed when we deal with this process, that it is hard for us to make rational decisions.  Like everything gets unleashed all of sudden and you can reign it all in.

As I continue to get better and better, I look at my decisions much more clearly and see how clouded my decision making was and how as I make better decisions how much it affects how I feel and my day, my healing and my life.

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