The journey that is Lyme disease

I am not going to tell you the last three plus years have been easy.   I am not going to tell you that even at this point I am 100% and don’t feel so much emotion and feeling and even symptoms and patterns and the same cycles but less intense on a daily basis.   I am not going to tell you I don’t still get frustrated at times and still don’t ever seem to feel 100%.

in many ways I still feel I just play out the motions of my day continuing the same patterns and same cycle waiting for things to shift.

I have been through so much pain and so much emotion and so much of this place that I never seem to get out of. This place that you just feel trapped inside your own Body and seemingly can’t ever escape and never have a moment to yourself number of the moment of peace number of the moment I’m actually feeling good.

And to heal, you need to go to the deep things you put to the side.  The hard difficult times and difficult things you could not process and let go of at the time or feel because your mind wasn’t clear and you were doing everything you could just stay afloat and stay present and stay alive and stay here.

The journey that is Lyme Disease is a scary one and difficult one and that can be put to a halt if caught early enough, the problem is that happens so rare and so much suffering and so much pain, and so much chaos and sickness happens that should not.

The journey that is Lyme Disease is not an easy one, but in the end you become stronger and better and evolve into a different person.  You begin to have more faith in yourself and the universe.  You begin to break habits you think would have never been broken and you start to deal with things you never thought you would.  You become clear in your path, clear what you need to do and focus on yourself.

The journey that is Lyme Disease has not been an easy one for me and I am not still not 100% and every time I turn a corner and think I am there, another layer comes at me.  But the thing is I won’t stop until I am symptom free, feel better then I ever have in my life, living the life I want to live and have moved on 100% from Lyme and have it never come back.

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Building a Human

So here I am, it is 2017 and now I am living in downtown Los Angeles.  I haven’t lived in LA for over four and half years and it is still somewhat surreal to me, partially because of symptoms and partially because everything hasn’t really hit me yet.  Am I happy to be here, absolutely.  Do I feel like I totally want to feel yet?  Not yet, but I do feel it all coming together.

When I started this journey, I always mentioned the idea that I was building a human being or a new me.  Like as if I went to a factory and picked out all the pieces and the manufacturer was evolving it and fine tuning it for years, not really knowing when the masterpiece would be finished.  In every aspect, I have felt like I have been building a human being, a new human version of myself.

Here I am, I am building me and I feel the masterpiece is almost done.

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Disoriented In Space

In so many ways, I have flown through the last four and half years.  Flown through in a protection mode mixed with chaos.  A waiting game, waiting to break free and not be at the mercy of the cycle and routines that nobody should be forced to automatically be a part of.  The reason for this, is I was always constantly trying to find my orientation in space and every once in awhile, every once in awhile, I would find it and it would be really jarring.

So, now I am truly at the root of it, the root of who I truly am underneath, the root of breaking free and the root of seeing the constant disorientation in space right in front me and trying to finally break it and not be at the mercy of it and the mercy of an automatic waiting game.

I have somehow always gotten through the day.  Somehow gotten to where I am now and have come very far but it has not been easy and the discernment has been blind through it.  I have stayed positive because I have had to but I have also very much kept to myself and my routines and my box which isn’t how you want to live your life.  I have had to be chill about things and watch things happen but still have to strive to move forward and break free.  I have essentially been living my life disoriented in space for over four and half years and just ready to break free.

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A Story To Tell…

There is one thing for certain.  I knew eventually once I beat this and got to that finish line there would be a story to tell.  I am not just talking about my book or my blog, though those are pieces of it, I am talking about something bigger, something bigger then I have even realized.

A story that is a big part of the reason why I have gone through everything I have gone through and the reason why I will beat this and change the world.

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Starting over…

I had always told myself that I wouldn’t move back to Los Angeles, get my projects really going, etc, until I was totally 100% symptom free.

A year would go by and two years would go by and four years would go by and I would wait and wait and wait and wait and eventually four and half years went by.  I just continued to trust.

I know I don’t blog as much as I used too.  I know I am still not quite where I want to be but I just signed a lease on a place In Los Angeles.  A place I disappeared from four and half years ago and always told myself one day I would be back stronger and better starting my life over again.

Well, in all honesty I am not quite where I want to be but it is different now, and though things are still intense and I wonder why, still, I know this is the deepest layer of all and the timing is finally right.  I just know it.

So here I am, ready to start over and create the life I want.  I am ready and ready to really break free.

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Nonsense

Most of the people around you, always say how much they want the best for you, etc., but when you set boundaries, want things a certain way and that way might affect their relationship to you or their space, that’s when they get upset.

Most people say they are compassionate, good individuals, like everybody, but at the end of the day when it comes down to it, most really aren’t.

I have seen both of those things so much the last four and half years, especially as all I have done is try to take care of myself and focus on myself and ask for compassion.  People will tend to say how cynical I might be or selfish, or not want to take effort, but nobody wants to label themselves as a bad person, or uncompassionate.

Well, as I am coming out of this, this nonsense doesn’t really matter much to me anymore and most of all, all these people will fade away as I thrive.

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The Irony

I wrote a long post on Facebook yesterday about my last four plus years and in a sense what it has felt like and not a single person from all the years I lived in Los Angeles liked it or commented.  People from the Lyme community did of course and friends I have met through the last four years and a few friends from Seattle but nobody from Los Angeles. I find it interesting and ironic, as I am about to move back to Los Angeles.

I find it ironic because they are all going to come back as they see me thrive and be successful.

 

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Living at 50%

I say 50% but the reality is the last four and half years I feel I have lived most of it at less then 50% the whole time.

has this been easy, no.  Has it been frustrating, absolutely.  Has it been a test of patience and will and faith and hope, absolutely.

In so many ways, I can’t believe most of the time what I have been through the last four and half years.  It is really super human in so many ways, and still I feel way more affected then I want to and in so many ways live my life at 50%.

I have driven 8 hours in a day like this, gone on dates, done treatments, wrote a book, made a website, had Long intellectual conversations, got over 500 points on scrabble, drove across the country and so on and so forth.

i have done so much at 50%, so affected, just imagine me at 100%.

 

 

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