The journey that is Lyme disease

I am not going to tell you the last three plus years have been easy.   I am not going to tell you that even at this point I am 100% and don’t feel so much emotion and feeling and even symptoms and patterns and the same cycles but less intense on a daily basis.   I am not going to tell you I don’t still get frustrated at times and still don’t ever seem to feel 100%.

in many ways I still feel I just play out the motions of my day continuing the same patterns and same cycle waiting for things to shift.

I have been through so much pain and so much emotion and so much of this place that I never seem to get out of. This place that you just feel trapped inside your own Body and seemingly can’t ever escape and never have a moment to yourself number of the moment of peace number of the moment I’m actually feeling good.

And to heal, you need to go to the deep things you put to the side.  The hard difficult times and difficult things you could not process and let go of at the time or feel because your mind wasn’t clear and you were doing everything you could just stay afloat and stay present and stay alive and stay here.

The journey that is Lyme Disease is a scary one and difficult one and that can be put to a halt if caught early enough, the problem is that happens so rare and so much suffering and so much pain, and so much chaos and sickness happens that should not.

The journey that is Lyme Disease is not an easy one, but in the end you become stronger and better and evolve into a different person.  You begin to have more faith in yourself and the universe.  You begin to break habits you think would have never been broken and you start to deal with things you never thought you would.  You become clear in your path, clear what you need to do and focus on yourself.

The journey that is Lyme Disease has not been an easy one for me and I am not still not 100% and every time I turn a corner and think I am there, another layer comes at me.  But the thing is I won’t stop until I am symptom free, feel better then I ever have in my life, living the life I want to live and have moved on 100% from Lyme and have it never come back.

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It Will Just Happen

When you beat Lyme Disease, when you beat anything, it will just happen.  It won’t be something that you will force or something that will still seem weird.  It will just happen.

When you go through something like Lyme Disease, where there are ebbs and flows and peaks and valleys and times were you think you are good or better and progressing but still know you feel off and other times where you just feel off, you continually will think that you almost have to force the change, or things should be this certain way.  You almost are working on willing things back to normal.  The reality is though, which is hard to get a grasp on when you are so in it, is it will just happen.

So one day, soon, very soon, I will wake up,. go through the whole day and not question the way I feel and know that’s how I should feel.  Not question whether something is normal or the world or me reacting to the world, etc.  It will just happen.


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Where are you world?

Where are you world is something I have been asking myself for the past almost four years.  Where are you world?

Through the ebbs and flows of this journey and the ebbs and flows of the physical experience and the chaos, which hasn’t always been so extreme at times, I always just felt off mentally and like I was dragging my body around.  Is it connected to the physical blood stuff that is my main symptom, absolutely, but that would ebb and flow, but the my experience of the world always seemed off and ever changing.  Literally, I would feel mentally a certain way one day and my relationship to the world be totally different, then the next day or two days from now.  Making me always ask where are you world and also making me feel like I was always repeating specific patterns that I seemed to not be able to break because I would always be able to track back to a certain day or time, etc.

Almost four years later, it seems I still ask this question but it seems things are trying to even themselves out a little bit and I am becoming more aware to be able to fully heal and not always ask where are you world and just be part of it all the time.

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Decision making

We are making decisions every moment of every day.  Sometimes these decisions are very much thought out and conscious and other times they are not.

I would say one of the biggest challenges with Lyme disease is decision making.  Whether it be, am I doing the right treatment or not or just normal life decisions unsure if something is going to make you feel better or worse.  On top of that, it is so hard to plan and Lyme itself affects your decision making tremendously.

I feel in many ways, trying to come up with the right decisions was just as much a challenge as the actual symptoms themselves, but remembering the reality is if we are symptom free, we really don’t question these things.

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When you stop questioning it..

You know when you know you beat Lyme disease.  You know when you know you are better, when you don’t question it anymore because the reality is, you should not need to question doing normal tasks if they feel right or having normal things be hard, everything will just be fluid and not be questioned or need to be questioned.


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What Do I need to Fully Heal…

What we need to fully heal is what we are all looking for.  What is it that we need to get to where we want to be all the time, not a moment or a bit here and there or adapting to something, a place of fully healing and being happy and healthy.

I was asked this the other day.  What do I need to fully heal?  What I need to fully heal is something I have been asking myself for almost four years.

At times, I inside myself knew what I needed to heal, but the fog or fear or other things going on would have this fade away, or feel like I wasn’t ready to do it or I wasn’t sure if it was the right decision because of how much decision making felt affected.

However much I have felt things have been more intense the last few months, I have also felt more clear about decision making and things feeling more right or in alignment.

So, what do I need to fully heal?  I need to continue doing what I am doing and trust that it is working out for me.  Doing what I am doing, meaning the health plan I put together and specifically really working on my gut/diet and killing Bartonella.  And trust it and when I don’t take a step back and look at why I have taken this path and gathering the reassurance from it.  Which to be honest has been hard knowing how long it has been and trying other things.  Also trusting you are making the right decisions when you feel like you are dragging your body around.

What else do I need to fully heal?  I need to start building towards my life path and what I want to be doing and not let fear or anything else get in the way and stay true to myself.  Obviously, if I don’t feel great, and can’t do work that day, that’s different, but what I am saying is working towards my bigger goals and not do anything I don’t want to do.

What else do I need to do?  I need to just keep moving forward and be positive and know I am getting better and have come a long way.  It is hard to see this when things feel so constant and cyclic and you really don’t know where you are going to land or who you are going to form and have that feeling that you are just dragging your body around until everything snaps together, but the reality is, you just have to keep moving forward.  You also have to know that almost all the things you question or feel off, etc. are not you, but the bugs.

I also need to fully let go and trust, which I feel I have more then anything and let go of control.  A hard thing though, when you feel you want to hold onto things because holding onto things is part of what has kept you grounded and understanding things when you feel things so warped or a certain way, etc.  Allowing things to pour out of you and feel things when you need them and emotions and not question them.

I also know, when the timing aligns, moving back to Los Angeles, make films and fully embracing life again and knowing I have the tools to take care of myself fully and take care of my healthy fully are there and I am not going to experience this again in the future and only will continue to thrive.

The world is safe, I am safe and is meant to be enjoyed.  I have trust in myself and my decision making and knowing what I need to do to thrive and fully heal and live the life I want.

What do I need to do to fully heal?  Just let go of the past and everything and know it is gone and trust the process and the future.

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Life should not be hard

Life isn’t meant to be hArd.  It is not meant to be challenging.  Sure there are obstacles and challenges that happen but life should not be super difficult.

When you move through something like Lyme disease, you start thinking that life is challenging and almost get used to it, thinking you are supposed to force yourself to ground yourself, you have to consciously over think about things and so on and so forth.   The reality is life should not be so hard.  We forget this, when we are moving through Lyme.

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Putting everything to the side

I feel in some crazy way everything comes full circle and your life does some how work out the way you want it too.

I learned at the beginning of this journey that I had to put everything to the side.  This was mainly about not having the mental energy, etc to do other things but was also just not in my mind perspective and also most of all not where I was supposed to put my energy.  My energy was always supposed to be focused on my health and once that is in the place it should be all of these other things would come together.

I would move through the world, drive to Los Angeles, etc and always play out this feeling of wanting to do things but saying not yet, not yet, knowing everything I want is still there.

well, slowly things are not so much feeling pushed to the side anymore.  They now there for taking and most of all there for me to break free.

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